Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Waves of Change

The past month and a bit I've been dealing with a lot of changes. Nothing major in itself but combined it all seems pretty major to me. In the past 45 days I've started back to work, embarked on a new relationship and started participation in another group with the Mental Health Outpatient Program. I've also been on a serious job search. But wait, you are probably thinking, I have a job. That's true. I do have a job. A comfortable one with health benefits, an understanding boss and, for the most part, great co-workers. Unfortunately the seasonal aspect of my position allows for great turmoil prior to, during and upon returning from my leave. It is this turmoil that leads me into a depression, feeling hopeless and without aim for not only the 3 months that I am laid off work, but also for the month before I leave and after I return.

As much as I don't like routine, I seem to be the type of person that requires routine. Yet I can't stick to a routine that I create myself. I need to wake up, get ready, and go somewhere in order to be productive in my day. Going to the library helps. It's near my house, parking is free, wifi is free and it has air conditioning. :) If I'm still in my seasonal job this summer I will need to stick to the library plan more closely and commit to making a routine for myself.

As far as the new relationship goes, it's interesting getting to know someone. Their past, their present, their future, their intricacies, my intricacies with them.  Everything is new and exciting for the first few months. And so we have another transition for me. Single to attached, one to two, me to us, I to we. It takes a little to get used to but for the most part it's a positive thing so far. But it's testing me. Pushing me outside my comfort zone. Which leads me to the next change in my life - Interpersonal Group Therapy for Depression.

Group therapy has been a different experience this time around. There's no homework, no handouts, just us in the group talking with each other and the facilitators. We talk about the challenges we've faced over the week with respect to communicating with others. I screened into the group on the basis of my difficulty with transitions. We all started with a goal to focus on over the 20 week therapy period. My goal is to use all of my resources to look for new work. Thus far I've been half-assed looking for work. Even though earlier I said I was on a serious job search, I admit it's only half-assed.  I'm not using all my resources. I'm depending on job bank "made to match" emails and internal postings to help me find my dream job, or a job. I don't even really know what I want to do or be or get paid for. And this is something important to me. You spend most of your life at work, sometimes more time at work than at home. So it would help if (and make sense that) you enjoy your job — the work, the people, the environment, the purpose, the goal, the mission, the values. And if they have monthly BBQs in the sweeter months that is a plus. I will miss that when I leave...

I'm hoping that everything works out the way it is supposed to — in my favour. LOL! All I want is to be happy and healthy and to enjoy everything in my life to the utmost. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes it seems like it.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Saturday Morning Yoga

I finally made it in to a Saturday morning yoga class, perhaps my second Saturday since I started Kundalini Yoga, but I'm pretty sure it was my first. I've had a lot on my mind lately (but what else is new right?). I've been back at work for a month now and it has been a hellish time. Barely a day goes by that I'm not called into my manager's office and I think this past week may have been the very first week that I didn't cry at my desk or have a meltdown at home due to work shit.

Add to that all the normal stuff that I have on my plate (nurturing old and new relationships, Soroptimists, yoga, piano, music history, appointments, etc) and it has made for a...well...um...chaotic month, to say the least. I went to yoga today to make up for one of the 2 classes I have missed. And I'm very glad that I rolled myself out of bed and into my yoga clothes this morning.

I was awakened in the wee hours of the morning and ended up staying awake for 2 hours thinking. Just thinking. About things that are happening and the people that are in my life right now. I'm big on learning lessons from the good and the not-so-good experiences, as I'm sure you are aware of by now if you've been following me thus far. My thoughts during my brief bout of insomnia last night came up again during yoga. During a particular pose we were asked to give ourselves a little prayer, for whatever it is we need in life right now. Immediately, I knew what I needed. Or I thought I did. I prayed for myself to do more of the things I enjoy doing, to spend time with more of the people I enjoy being around, those things and people that make me happy. I prayed for myself to ACTUALLY ENJOY doing those things, to ACTUALLY ENJOY spending time with the people in my life that mean so much to me. This led me to pray for what I really needed: more patience — more patience with myself and more patience with others. Things can go slow and it will still be okay. Things can be unplanned and it will still be okay. Appreciate the pace of life, no matter what. Appreciate those impromptu moments, no matter what. Put the anxiety and expectations aside and BE THERE. Be there for myself, be there for others.

I give you my word, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere no matter the pace of life. Those of you that are beside me, please know that I am beside you, also. Those of you that haven't left me when I've given ample reason and opportunity for you to leave my side, know that I will not leave you even if you give me ample reason and opportunity to leave. Being able to give my word to those I love and that love me is what brought me to tears at yoga today during my prayer for myself and again during final meditation. So many people have come into my life to give me the gift of patience and I have walked away, whether from impatience, heartbreak or whatever reason. This time, I want to accept the gift of patience and return this gift into all of my relationships, ten-fold. I deserve it and you deserve it.

"Above all be true to yourself. If you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it." - Unknown (tinybuddha.com)

And while you are being true to yourself, here are some yoga poses to try. As always, please consult with a health practitioner before commencing any sort of exercise regime. And don't blame me if you hurt yourself being silly and trying to do yoga poses without proper instruction or forethought.

Monday, August 25, 2014


Today was a "-less" day. Because that's how I felt. Let me list all the adjectives that describe how I felt today, or that the voice in my head named me as today and you will understand why.

  • hope-less
  • use-less
  • list-less
  • worth-less
  • love-less
  • heart-less
  • point-less

You get the picture...it was a bleak day in my head. I didn't want to leave the safety of my fortress (also known as my bed) where my guardians (also known as my pets and my stuffed animals) kept watch over me, until I absolutely had to get up to do what I needed to do (not anything nerve-wracking, just something simple) today. I took a cold shower but it didn't do much to restore my spirits. I probably shouldn't have been driving as I hadn't eaten more than a few bites in a couple days. I was on autopilot to get the few things done that I had to do. I cut my list short so I could get back home as soon as possible. I can finish my list off tomorrow, maybe...

It's frustrating having days like today. I know it will pass and sometimes I just have to let it pass. No amount of anything will help. Ride out the black wave of utter despair in the hopes that tomorrow will bring a new wave of hope and happiness. It's the despair that gets to me, worries me, makes me feel so close to slipping into a pit of depression. It's not far from the wave of despair into the pit of depression.

Surprisingly, all the "-less" things running rampant through my head today didn't get me as down as they normally do. I mostly just felt numb and nauseated. When I had to leave the house I was always just on the verge of tears. Stop thinking, focus on the task at hand, blink back the hot stinging tears. You can do this. Not long now until you are home. Eat something. Anything, even cereal. Drink water, cold water.

I feel used and broken, not even worthy of being in the slightly irregular/half off bin today. I am broken. I will never be fixed but I know that things can and will get better. Days like today remind me of how things used to be. The fact that I can sit down at the end of the day and type this, reflecting on what I felt and the fact that I'm still here to tell you how I felt today...well that's a giant leap forward at the end of a day like today.

Take it as it comes. Some days it's two steps forward and one step back onto that wave. Other days it's a slide down the slippery slope into the pit and then a giant leap forward. At the end of it all I need to have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be and that things are exactly as they should be. No matter what the hours, minutes or seconds previous to right now felt like.

set yourself free one step at a time
one step at a time set yourself free

Sunday, August 24, 2014


Who knew that someone would have a tragic story about sprinkles? I thought sprinkles made everything better. Well, they do, but in this sad story the sprinkles were forgotten and things turned bad.

I love birthday cake. The flavour, the actual item, the vodka, you name it. Birthday Cake anything makes me happy. :) Earlier this week I visited my friend's new cafe and the special of the month was Birthday Cake Latte. They also had Birthday Party ice cream. So, since I just had a wax (you don't need to know what I had waxed) I thought I would treat myself. I ordered a Birthday Cake latte and a Birthday Party ice cream cone. The latte actually came with whipped cream and sprinkles.  I was so excited about the sprinkles. Sprinkles can even make a pile of shit look enticing!

At the roller derby after party tonight I met someone who had a (sad but interesting) story about sprinkles. I won't go into detail but it involves biting, blood, a stab-like scar and a trip to the hospital for one party and a trip to the psych ward for the other party. All because the sprinkles were forgotten.

The lesson here is don't ever forget the sprinkles. They may seem like a small after thought but if you drop the ball on the sprinkles, it could be dangerous. For you and everyone else involved. I think that we often forget the sprinkles in our lives. Sometimes we totally forget to put them on top of our everyday lives or overlook the sprinkles that are already there. Maybe this is just another euphemism for "stop and smell the roses" or maybe the sprinkles are something totally different. Whatever the case, don't forget the sprinkles - sometimes the sprinkles make everything else in the day seem tolerable and enjoyable.

Friday, August 22, 2014

My First "Low/No Tech Day"

Upon hearing about a friend's "no cell phone" family reunion it made me think about how much I rely on my devices to be "connected" to the world and my friends. Sometime ago I enrolled in Debbie Ford's book study called "21 Day Consciousness Cleanse" which requires that you limit your electronic connection to the world. I have yet to complete the study but I intend to during my next hiatus since this one is almost over. Also, in the event that I need to attend the one month intake program with CAMH next summer, I will be required to go one month without the use of any electronics/internet connection. This worried me at the beginning of the summer when I found this out and it was possible that I would need to attend CAMH this summer.

I decided to challenge myself to go 24 hours without accessing any electronics (radio, iPad, iPhone, Mac, Apple TV, etc.). I sometimes have "no TV days" and "no driving days" but this one was new for me. So I did it. Beginning at midnight August 21 I turned off all my electronics and went "Low/No Tech" for 24 hours. Instead of starting every sentence with "I have to admit..." I'm just going to make a list.

I have to admit that:

  • Within 5 minutes of shutting off my laptop, iPhone and iPad, I felt some anxiety, which lasted for about half an hour
  • Upon waking I felt the same anxiety for a bit
  • It was difficult at first but it got easier as the day went on
  • I got a lot accomplished without needing to be "connected" to the rest of the world (my landline was still available and my friends could contact me that way if they chose to)
  • I did use an iPhone but it wasn't mine and I was trying to help a friend figure out something on her iPhone (was this cheating?)
  • I did get distracted by TV at my friend's house even though it was on mute (is THIS cheating?)
  • The following day when I was back "online" I got really frustrated with my electronics
This challenge really made me think about how I have become so reliant on technology and how it seems to rule my life. I become obsessed with checking my phone for emails, texts, notifications, etc. What did I miss in those 24 hours? Not a hell of a lot actually. Facebook continued on without me and there were no emergency emails or text that needed to be addressed. I actually enjoyed having 24 hours without access to technology. I have decided to do this once a week - disconnect to reconnect as one of my friends said. And it's true. In order to reconnect with ourselves we must disconnect with other things sometimes.

I challenge you to disconnect for 24 hours. See what it brings out in you. See what you discover within yourself. :)


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Layers of Depression (no, not onion)

The more I learn about myself and how my brain processes things and how I handle my thoughts, the less I feel that I know. I've been struggling with a few things this summer and it has come to my attention that as soon as I get in tune with one layer of my depression, another layer comes galloping out, guns blazing as I stand frozen in a stupefied mental state. One step forward, two steps back.

Since I started my "new" medication two and a half years ago (and had another medication added to it in the meantime), have been taking part in an outpatient program and seeing a psychiatrist regularly, the layers are slowly being revealed to me. First, it was the depression itself: how to manage it, what my triggers were and how to change my thought process. Once that seemed to be as much under control as possible, anxiety reared its ugly head and wanted to be centre stage. So again I learned, this time Anxiety 101: again, how to manage it, what my triggers were and how to change my thought process. Now that my anxiety issues seem to be manageable, for the most part, I'm realizing that behind the curtains there are obsessive thoughts. Almost OCD, but not quite. Maybe borderline? But I haven't brought this up with my psychiatrist nor have I been diagnosed; I'm just poking around in there myself to see what's happening.

It's these obsessive thoughts that contribute to the anxiety and depression but now that the latter two are relatively quiet, the former is more audible, more noticeable, more dizzying, more distracting, more ANNOYING than ever!!! And to make it worse, I sometimes act on these obsessive thoughts, speak/text/email before analyzing these thoughts to determine the validity of them. These thoughts are getting in the way. This train needs to be derailed. It has been ruining, and will continue to ruin, relationships, friendships and anything else on the track to happiness.

The question is HOW do I derail these thoughts? Yes be aware, yes do my best to quiet them, yes do my best to turn them around. But if all that fails? Everyone get the *bleep* off the track. Consider yourself warned. ;)

I told you so...


Started March 28/14

Razor blades, purple haze
It's my lucky day in hell.
I finally wrote a song for you
I guess we stop trying now.
It's a long drive
To somewhere only we know.
Say something,
I'm giving up on you.

Don't you want to go
To the time when we were bored and happy?
Don't you want to go
To the time when all the plans we'd make
Were laws we had yet to break?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

On the Death of a Star

On August 11, 2014, actor Robin Williams, 63, was discovered deceased, an apparent suicide. The following day news stories were saying it could have been accidental but they weren't saying anything definitive either way. Today, I'm not sure what the news says because I stopped listening. It's unfortunate that, no matter how far we seem to advance in so many areas, mental illness - an invisible disease like diabetes, among others - is still overlooked, misunderstood and has a stigma attached to it. I'm glad people are talking about mental illness and sharing. I'm not glad that it took the death of another person, a famous person who brought so much joy and laughter into our lives, to start the talk.

Many people have taken their own life in the throes of depression. Many teenagers, many adults, many non-famous people. They don't get the notoriety that those in the spotlight receive. It's understandable. We are but mere mortals compared to stars and starlets in the Hollywood skies. What's not understandable though is the commentary that follows the death of a "mere mortal" - "she was a troubled teen" or "he had issues with alcohol" or "everything was such a struggle for her." Even comments such as how selfish suicide is or how good the person had things are a blow to those of us that have stepped out on that proverbial ledge.

Now all of a sudden things are coming out about bipolar and depression and how mental illness is linked, in a round about way, to comedians that want to save the world. I find this interesting, purely on a selfish level of course. I don't write a blog to talk about other people, necessarily. I blog to talk about myself and how the world affects me, how I see the world, on good days and bad days and those in-between days. So how does all of THIS affect me? How do I see it? I will tell you. Because that's why you are here and still reading, right? :)

When I leave a place of employment to move on to new adventures I am always told by others that they will miss my laughter the most. Always a positive attitude and smiling face. I'm such a good faker. Not that I don't enjoy being with my colleagues or the work that I do/have done. That's not it at all. They just don't have any idea what is really going on in my head. I mean REALLY going on in there. It's a side that I don't show to anyone, at least not on purpose. My close dear friends know about my dark thoughts, but even then, I do my best not to share those dark thoughts too often or too much lest I scare my friends into thinking I'm a danger to myself. It's not like I'm going to act on those irrational thoughts in my head trying to bully me into doing something, well, irrational.

This past year I had to reveal to my employer about my mental illness. After some time of working together to try to accommodate me he came right out and asked me "When you say you are having a bad day, what does that mean? Because to me you look fine. You came to work, maybe a little bit late, but you're not angry or grumpy; you're smiling and doing your job." How do you explain to someone that when you have a mental illness and you have a "bad day" it's a bad day INSIDE your head, not a bad day on the outside. It's not like a bad hair day or a bad clothing day (you know, when all your favourite clothes that make you look smoking hot are in the dirty laundry that you just didn't have time to get to over the weekend or during off-peak hydro times).

A bad day in my head for me means that I actually am grumpy and angry and frustrated and so many other things all at once. Making otherwise simple decisions is a difficult process and the last thing that I want to do is go to work and make decisions that will affect other people. The last place I want to be is around other people. But I get out of bed, shower, get dressed, (sometimes) eat breakfast and take care of the pets before I take an anti-anxiety pill or do my breathing exercises in order to make my way out the door to work.

When I get to work and it's a bad day in my head, one of two things can happen: I could be manic or I could be stone cold quiet. Either way I'm faking it. If I'm manic, everyone thinks I'm happy and in a great mood. I keep them laughing at coffee break and at lunch and it takes a lot of effort and energy to fake it this way. If I'm quiet everyone thinks I'm hard at work and, for the most part, they leave me alone. But I'm still faking it because I'm not really working very hard because I can't focus or remember things or think clearly. This is called "presenteeism" and statistically it accounts for more lost time and productivity in the work place than absenteeism does. We're there but we're not really there. And it's a horrible feeling, on top of what I'm already feeling and thinking inside. Faker, liar, loser, slacker, the list goes on.

Knowing what I know about myself, I can't even imagine what Robin Williams struggled with on his bad days, being in the spotlight and being such a noted actor and comedian. He wanted to make the world a better place through laughter but no amount of laughter on the outside could change or help what was going on inside. At the end of the day when we lay our head on the pillow to go to sleep the laughter is gone and all we are left with are the voices in our heads, the irrational thoughts trying to hard to bully us into doing something, well, irrational. Please join me and hold in your thoughts those that have lost the struggle to fight this irrational never ending battle. And reach out to those that you know of that continue to struggle, even if it looks like they are having a good day.

Peace and love to all.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Strong Enough

I know it's been awhile but things have been going on and off and on and off. Tonight, things are off; off so badly.

Do you ever feel that your heart is going to burst because you care about someone so much? Not even that you are in love with them but just that you love them. You want good things for them but part of you wants those goods things to be with you and not with someone else. But still. In the end you want good things for them: happiness, love, abundance, even if it isn't with you.

My heart exploded tonight. Not with love. He smashed it. I let him...again. I keep trying so hard to have a friendship but every single effing time it's me that gets hurt. He doesn't do it to hurt me on purpose. He doesn't even know that it hurts me. But if he thought about it and cared like I thought he cared, he wouldn't do it. Or he at least wouldn't do it the way he does. I appreciate his brutal honesty and I can't say that he hasn't been honest. But the signals are mixed and I get confused. Got confused. I won't be confused anymore. I know where I am in his books. I'm a footnote, or an end note, even. He's a tough guy. He broke me. He broke me into a million pieces, a million times over. And I kept letting him. I kept giving him my heart because I thought he would one day do something good with it. But he just kept breaking it. No more. It ends tonight.

I've come so close to the edge so many times over him. No person is worth this pain. No person is worth ending my life over. I am in control of myself and what I feel and how I allow others to treat me. I will cry...a lot. And I will be sad. But I will not let the sadness turn into the deep, dark depression that I am so familiar with. I will not let my lost love for him overpower my ever present love for myself. I may not be strong enough to handle a friendship with him but I am strong enough to get through this. I will be okay. I always am.

Tonight's tidal wave of emotion only reiterates that I am not ready for a relationship...still. Maybe I never will be but I hope that isn't true. I want to be ready. I want to be strong enough, to be strong for that person that is strong enough for me.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Butcher's Cut

With my heart upon the butcher block
So tenderly wrapped with love and care
You tear apart the strings and paper
And carve right in

You slash and dig, rip and gouge
Looking for things that are not there
You open old wounds
Slice through scar tissue
Hoping to see what you want to see
Forgetting to see what's really there

You throw away the gold
Let the warmth go cold
Hack apart the tender pieces
And push them to the side

You've ruined the gift I've given you
As I try to take it back
I fight for all the pieces
That you've thrown into the trash

I gave you my love
I gave you my word
But it wasn't good enough
It was more than you deserved

Friday, March 28, 2014

One Day (at a Time, Again)

I took a day off work today. I wasn't sure what to do but I managed to find a lot of things to fill my day. Sleeping until 10 am was a good start. I'm working on a timer system today. Washed dishes with the timer for 30 minutes. Did some computer stuff with the timer for 15 minutes. Blogging with the timer for 15 minutes (okay, I don't really think that I can put a timer on for a blog entry but I'm going with the plan for now).

I've been spending a lot of my free time alone in the past few weeks. It's been interesting "dating myself". I've peeled back few layers and found some interesting things. One of my more enlightening discoveries is that I am a chronic under estimator. Here's a list of the things I underestimate about myself:

  • time (to get ready, to get somewhere, to do something, etc)
  • energy/effort (to accomplish day-to-day tasks as well as larger projects)
  • skills and talents
You can see a pattern here. In general I under estimate myself. I have tried positive affirmations and exercise and setting small goals and "going inside". And today I have tried the timer technique. At the end of the day I have to accept that one thing won't work every time and everything won't work at one time. (And my timer has just beeped at me. At this moment in time I have a decision to make: do I set the timer again, or stop right here and do the next thing on my list? Add another 15 minutes on the clock.) 

In talking with my psychiatrist I brought up the various tools that I have found to be helpful. She explained to me the importance of understanding, realizing and accepting that what works for many other people (positive affirmations) might not work as well or as often for me as it does for others. Positive affirmations do serve a purpose for me and that purpose is to bring me into the moment. When my collection of quotes is flipping by on my iPhone or Apple TV one always catches my eye in that moment. So I reflect on what it means to me in that moment. Where am I? Where am I going? How is this quote relative to my journey at this moment? AT THIS MOMENT. Not in the big picture, but right now. Right this very breath, heart beat, pulse, brainwave, etc.

When discussing my chronic underestimating with my counsellor we devised a plan — overestimate. Overestimating will hopefully land me right where I need to be. It seems simple in theory, as do most of my plans. And really it makes sense when budgeting, because for "time" at least, that is what I'm doing. In my first draft of my semi-annual financial budgets I tend to underestimate my income and over estimate my expenses. Not by a huge amount, but just enough to be "safe".  I've been doing my best to put overestimating into practice with my habit of being punctually late — you can always rely on me to be 15 minutes late so tell me you want me there 15 minutes earlier than you REALLY want me there! It seems to be starting off well. Not exceptionally well but not a complete and utter failure.  I do believe that focussing on overestimating time will help to relax my expectations of myself and others and to improve my self-confidence. Small successes should be celebrated.  :)

Here's to the timer technique and succeeding at overestimation!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Cure for Love

Came across these interesting articles through PsychCentral on New Scientist

Cure for love: Chemical cures for the lovesick
Cure for love: Sex with a mantis ends in dinner

Think we can cure love with drugs, robots and eating our mate? Let me know your thoughts after reading any or all of the articles! LOL! :P

The Strength in Being Vulnerable

Being self-sufficient is important but there are times when you need to let other people help you. That dreaded “f” word – feelings  is important. It's hard to let go when you sense that someone cares for you more than they let on or want to admit to themselves. When someone puts up with my negative moods (medical induced or otherwise) and tries to help me stay out of those negative moods this says a lot about their character. Maybe they do have a lot of scars and are scared to love another person, but we all have scars and we are all scared. The important thing about having scars is to do your best not to let them stop you from showing your love or from being vulnerable, no matter the risk of getting another scar.

There are so many ways that someone can contribute to any relationship. Maybe you don't see all the ways you can contribute or maybe you just see yourself as unable to contribute in a particular way. Speaking from my own personal experience, knowing that I can’t take anyone's pain away makes me feel helpless. Most of the time I recognized that there were (and hopefully still are) other ways that I can offer help. It is those little things that I offer (the ones that someone might laugh at because they think it is cute) - being there for your stubborn ass whether you wanted me to be or not.

At a time when I had given up hope on humanity, you taught me that there are people out there that hold within them the things that I am looking for in a person. You offered me the unconditional love of a friend and support and advice whether my stubborn, moody ass wanted to hear it or not. By sharing your good days and your bad days with me you have shown me the strength in being vulnerable. All of these things in a person are worth more to me than anyone can ever imagine.

If you are trying to hold on tight to something that you need to let go of, ask the other person to be open and honest with you and with themself about how they feel. Wouldn't you rather know the truth, even if it is going to hurt, so that you can move forward, with or without the other person as part of your life? There is strength in being vulnerable and I am more than willing to show my vulnerability in the hopes that others will see it as a strength.

Monday, February 17, 2014

I'm Tired. So Tired.

I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of feeling hurt and lonely.
I'm tired of trying to forget things that I want to remember and keep with me.
I'm tired of pretending so hard to be happy.
I'm tired of my friends not really, truly understanding.
I'm tired of wanting someone to love.
I'm tired of wanting to love myself.
I'm tired of struggling through everyday just to end up having to do it all over again.
I'm tired of doing struggling over and over and over again.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of wanting.
I'm tired of fucking my life away.
I'm tired of trying to drink my pain away.
I'm tired of the things that I used to love not bringing me pleasure.
I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of everything in my head and in my heart.
I'm tired of trying to understand it.
I'm tired of trying to make sense of it.
I'm tired of trying to get over it, to forget it, to leave it behind me.
I'm tired of trying to turn my back and walk away from it.
I'm tired trying to do it all.
I'm tired of feeling I'm not capable.
I'm tired of feeling I'm not strong enough.
I'm tired of not knowing what I want.
I'm tired of losing the fight.
I'm tired of reality.
I'm tired of me.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Guilty of Love

How can one person with so much love to give be missing a special someone in their life to give that love to?

Just Keep Swimming

I feel so tired and just want to sleep all day. So many uncertainties today. I feel depressed and want to cry because I'm so tired - tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling anything at all. Everyone says it will get better and I'm holding onto that as tight as I can. Right now it doesn't feel like it will get better anytime soon but it has to. I want it to. I don't know what to do to help it along or if there is even anything I CAN do to help it along. I just need to trust in the universe and do the things I love to do, the things that make me smile and make me happy. I need to take care of myself, give myself permission to feel what I feel and then let that feeling go.

I feel like I'm full of junk right now. I don't know how to get it out, get rid of it, eliminate it. It's stuck just under the surface of my skin, permeating the air with its stench and affecting everything I feel, say and do - affecting every relationship that I have, poisoning it with a malevolence I've never felt before.

It's more important than ever that I clear this junk before I sabotage everything that means anything to me in this awesome life that I have built for myself. It took a lot of hard work and determination, tears and frustration, to get where I am today. I can't give up now. I need to be strong and persevere. Just keep swimming. I might feel like I'm drowning but I won't. Sometimes I may have to stop to tread water or float on my back but eventually I will free myself from the weeds and set foot in the sand. One step at a time.

I need to remember that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to fill my life with people that respect, love, trust and care about me as I do them. I have so much love to give and some times it hurts but eventually the pain will subside and the time will be right when it won't hurt to love so much. I am the only one that can make myself happy, love myself in times of loneliness. I know that I need to be strong and keep taking steps forward to reach my goals, no matter how big or small those goals, or steps, are.

In the big picture today won't matter. But right now, today DOES matter. it's all I have right now. It might be all I ever have. Make today the best day you can.

Monday, February 3, 2014

10 Choices to Make for a Great 2014

In the hopes of lifting my spirits today I thought I would share something that I received earlier this year from the great folks at Arbonne. Do one this month, or do all 10 this month, or even this week, if you are feeling ambitious!

If you're looking to buy, visit  my friend's Facebook page.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

A Little Disappointing, to Say the Least

Well, Saphris and I couldn't make it work. Which is too bad as I had high hopes for the relationship. I think my psychiatrist did, too. At this point I don't know if there is anything similar that I could try. The purpose was two-fold: to help with sleep and to act as a mood stabilizer. It worked great for the sleep part but seemed to have the total opposite effect on my mood, as I reported in my previous post. I head back to my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks so we will see what the verdict is at that time.

This weekend has been an interesting one as I'm experiencing feelings that I've rarely felt, and these feelings are lasting for a considerable length of time. The first is major anxiety about things that I have rarely had anxiety over previously. Yesterday the simple thought of leaving my house sent me into panic attack with the added bonus of feeling like vomiting on the spot. Good thing I didn't eat anything yesterday...could have been messy. The second is this incessant need to be with another person; the thought of being alone with myself lately has been quite scary. I'm not one to NEED another person around to feel happy or safe but it seems that is what's happening. Friday I had a couple friends over, last night a friend came over and then I went out to watch UFC with another couple of friends. Last night I was already searching for a friend to stay with me for the evening tonight. I don't get it. Why am I scared to be alone? Why do I feel I NEED someone around me at this point in time? 

These new feelings are very confusing and puzzling to me and I don't really know how or where to find an answer. Maybe there isn't an answer. Maybe I will have to look for help from someone with this one. I did receive some great advice and support from a good friend last night regarding a situation that is hurting my heart at this very moment. It's so difficult to be strong and independent, to stand my ground when all I want to do is cave in, throw caution to the wind and seek acceptance and love, even if it's not the kind that will meet me needs and serve me in a positive way.

I'm hoping that my busy week ahead will provide a welcome distraction to these thoughts and feelings for the time being. If they continue, however, I will need to revisit them and look deeper into the abyss of my heart and soul in order to find the root of them. I can't continue like this.  I'm running out of patience (yet again - or maybe still?) and there is only so much cleaning and organizing I can do. Kleenex is running short around here, too.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I Love You, Saphris. But Right Now I Don't Like You.

So it's day 10 on an additional medication. Saphris is the name, mood stabilizer is the game. AND I AM NOT LIKING THIS MF GAME!!!!!!! It is helping me sleep and it's supposed to help level out my moods but for now it's really messing me up. Last Thursday night I felt like I was on speed. Monday night I broke down crying for an hour. I think it was the most intense meltdown I've ever had and then just like that it was over. And I was fine. W...T...F?!?!?!

By about 2 in the afternoon I have Antsy Pants. I can't sit still. My feet twitch and itch and my butt wriggles in my office chair like I'm a 4 year old that has to go pee.  Last Thursday I adjusted every setting on my chair that could be adjusted and it still wasn't right. Then that evening I couldn't sit still at home.  I went from angry to frustrated to depressed to just plain sad and then totally mellowed out...in a matter of 4 hours. I have a pedometer and my daily goal is 6000 steps. Normally I have to put in a 5KM walk after a day of work to reach or exceed that goal. Thursday no walk needed. I reached 5890 steps because of my fidgeting and restlessness. But it annoyed me. And it annoyed my friends, I'm sure of it. And it's still annoying them.

Tonight I was at yoga during final meditation the tears were streaming down my face. It's a good thing everyone has their eyes closed and that I wasn't sniffling. I laughed to myself. What's going on? I don't get it. How long is this going to last? My Antsy Pants are itching me and the tears are a tragedy that never really happened. I'm not getting enough hugs but don't get too close. I'm leaking like a.....what the hell good is wiki.answers.com if no one answers the question?

On the plus side I've practiced piano more diligently and more focussed than I have in the past couple of years. Is it worth it? When I put the pill to sleep under my tongue, my tongue goes numb. My head spins when I open my eyes in the morning and I wait.....wait....wait for the world to stop and let me off. Yesterday I missed work because the world didn't stop to let me off. Today I almost fell out of my chair a few times. And that was before the wine. I need a shower and a really good cry to wash the tears away so I can start fresh and maybe try to fix the things I've bludgeoned to an almost irreparable state on my way through this enigmatic labyrinth that is my life right now. I can't find the centre because I don't know where to look. I can't find the exit because my mind has gone berserk.

Jump around my favourite heart to break. Left and leaving tonight, tonight. Superhero what I wouldn't do. I don't feel like dancing better luck next time. Just like a pill, gouge away, bury me with it, the good times are killing me.

Find all the song names and win a prize!

I've lost my prize. I walked away. He cheered me on but I interrupted him. Maybe I made a mistake and should have waited, listened to what he had to say, when he was ready. Waited...

Wednesday, January 29, 2014


smash it
just like that
just how
you did it
it didn't hurt
it's ok
i can handle it
i put
everything in
and when
the bottom
falls right out
everything in
smashes out
right there
right where
you left me

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Looking Forward in 2014

With the New Year comes resolution. The theme I'm noticing with 2014 is Gratitude. I learned the practice of Gratitude in 2013 but it never hurts to continue practising something that you already know; it keeps you in shape, right? :)

As far as resolutions go I was never one to commit to any one thing for too long. Sometimes I get bored with what I'm doing. Sometimes I have a bad day and feel like I can't accomplish anything so why bother trying? I give up. I throw in the towel (and anything else that was close at hand at one point in my life) and feel like I have to start from the very beginning again. But that's not a very rational thought. I have been getting better at keepin' on keeping on but it's been a struggle. If you experience this same cycle check out these tips from Unstuck on reaching your goals.

In 2014 I resolve to Focus. I resolve to focus on what is important to me, what makes me happy, and what I want to achieve. Rah rah! Go me!

Um...wait a second, you. That's great that you are so excited and happy to Focus but there's some work to do here.

What is important to you?
What makes you happy?
What do you want to achieve? 

Maybe I will start there and figure that out first. This is going to be more difficult than I thought...

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Great Expectations

Apparently it is too much for me to expect to have two nights of peaceful, restful, tranquil slumber in a row. I'm running on empty right now so I took tonight to catch up on my online reading. One of the many pages on my "To Read" list tonight was an article from tinybuddha.com titled Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations.

The writer discusses coming to peace with a relationship in whatever form or type it takes. A constant lesson that comes my way is regarding expectations. I have high expectations of myself and, of course, high expectations of others. These often unrealistic expectations have caused me more than grief throughout my life, as my earlier posts indicate. I often end up believing that the lesson to be learned is to not expect anything, then there is never any disappointment. I cannot accept that outcome! It sounds and feels so pessimistic to me. So I return to having high expectations which begins the cycle anew.

Recently I have had this lesson come to me once again. After all, the Universe will continue to assign you the lesson until you learn it. And dammit all, I'm going to learn it this time! After all, I have high expectations of myself and want to score 100% on this exam. Just kidding. That's unrealistic of me to expect that, silly me!

As the article says, we cannot assume anything. Relationships of any kind take time. It is up to each individual to nurture their side of the relationship and be patient while the other does the same. Through this new friendship I am learning a valuable lesson in patience. Ego is not taking kindly to it. Ego is working hard to protect me but is actually causing a lot of pain, suffering and anguish within me. I know the TRUE answers to Ego's questions but that tiny seed of uncertainty grows exponentially when Ego becomes involved. That tiny seed of uncertainty almost instantly bursts forth into a tangled, gnarled, thorny mess of a green monster and claws at me from the inside out.

Last week I lost control of Ego and that ugly green mess of a monster inside tore me up good. I became insecure, uncertain, depressed, upset, agitated and began questioning everything that only a few days earlier I was sure of. Stupid monster. Go back where you came from. You aren't of any use to me this way. You only hurt me and when you have settled down I'm the one that looks silly. I am left feeling silly, ashamed, embarrassed, and defeated, my dignity shredded by your razor sharp thorns.

It really would have been nice had I read this piece on disappointment and letting go of expectations earlier than tonight. That meltdown last week wouldn't have been so hard to handle. However, reading over these 5 steps and looking back on my experience I can see how I let Ego lead the way. Let's review.

  1. Be aware of reality. Yeah I totally dropped the ball on that one. My only reality at that time was the nonsensical negative self-talk that was running through my head at mach 1 million (what is the highest mach speed anyways?). I really should have some speed bumps installed in there.
  2. Stop manipulating situations. Me, manipulate the situation? In all my stubbornness and self-loathing I didn't (and often don't) see it as manipulating the situation. Instead I see it as "Hah! That will show you!" when in reality the other person doesn't even notice what I did to "show them." If I was watching myself dot his, I would be shaking my head and rolling my eyes, like you do in a horror movie when someone hears a noise and goes outside to check it out. You know what's going to happen. Nothin' but bad stuff.
  3. Let go. This one is the money shot. Let go of expectations, get rid of that defective crystal ball, stop predicting "what if" and just be here, now, today, right here in this moment. Enjoy it for what it is because it is good even if it's not what you expected. And this...this lesson is definitely not what I expected, on so many levels!
  4. Focus on those who love you. This is sort of where I stumble when I look back at this particular, um, moment of lapse of reason, shall we say? I had just spent a lot of time being thankful and appreciative of those who love me but somehow something dark slipped through this armour and sent me spiralling into that black hole of yucky stuff. I will have to bring in reinforcements going forward.
  5. Learn to love yourself. Uh, yeah! What am I always blabbing on about to others? You have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. No person, place or thing or material object can fill the void. It's unrealistic to expect someone else to make you happy. Happiness and love come from within, not from without so learn to fill that void within you on your own. After that everything else is icing on the cake, my friends! Mmmm....icing...mmmmm...cake....
And with that I wish you sweet dreams filled with love and cake and icing! Be well.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Mom, I Dreamed of You

I decided to look up what my recurring dreams mean and I found some interesting ideas. Now, to set aside some time to determine what applies and what doesn't. I'm always thinking but it seems I'm thinking about the less important things (i.e. things I can't control) instead of the things that matter most to me. 


The mother appearing in a dream signifies how you were taught to express your feelings and sensitivity. While dreaming of the mother can portray how you are adopting or rejecting various aspects that are associated with her, she can also symbolize your ability to mother yourself.


A person who can process anger easily will feel anxiety in a dream, but not anger. If you are clearly angry in your dream, then look for how you might be repressing anger in daily life. This is an emotion, which we learn early to repress, and each of us processes anger in different ways. Therefore, you may dream about other characters acting with anger against you. This is the only way the person ‘who is never angry’ will have of processing and integrating this ‘unpleasant’ emotion. A ferocious animal attacking you is a clear example of how anger is portrayed in a dream. Since you cannot own the emotion during the day, you experience it as something ‘wild and uncontrollable’ attacking you in the dream.


One of the most important aspects of dreaming is how they make you feel. Often dream imagery gets more frightening in proportion to your inability to face something. The message is not so much about danger, but that some aspect of the mind seeks expression. The more you are unwilling to allow it - the 'louder' it speaks. Dreams affect us in the same unspoken way as going to the movies. Their purpose is to dislodge the status quo so that we can be more responsive to how life is shaping us. Dreaming of an inability to feel brings this issue forward because you may not realize how cut off you are from your feelings.


All of the characters appearing in your dream represent evolving or transforming aspects of you. What can make dream interpretation confusing is the inability to understand how dreaming of others allows you to explore the traits you associate with them. Your ideas, beliefs and areas undergoing transformation will be mirrored by the characters you dream about. When you look at the dream as a plot where all of the characters are representing you, look beyond the character and ask: what word would I use to describe this person? How might this person be representing a side of myself that I might be failing to understand or express?

People from the past can represent you at that point in life, and family members usually appear in a dream that is helping you to understand how a current crisis was created through personal dynamics of childhood.


Dreams of family members are very common, although they are still generally a reflection of how you explore the qualities of others to learn more about your potential.. Dreams of this type often take place after an experience that has left you wondering about your personal dynamics.

Dreams are often portrayed in cycles of three, where one dreamscape morphs into two other settings. The first part of the dream suggests the crisis at hand, while the second part of the dream often includes family members as a way of exploring early dynamics that were inherited, and may need to be released. The third part is usually the most bizarre, offering clues to your transformational process. You wake up and dismiss the peculiar when this is the most relevant part of the dream. The psyche seeks to break through in any way it can. The things you find most difficult to face will appear in symbolism that leaves you puzzled. Family dynamics that you have inherited offer an enormous pallet of symbols for transformation as you move forward to discover your real identity.

Natural selection drives divergence in character because the more diversified we are, the better will be our chance for survival. Even family members within a particular species are endowed with variations. This ensures that competition for short supply in a shared environment is minimized. The family can be a source of support, even while their dynamics shape you like water shapes a stone. In the contrast of your differences, they often reveal your deeper color. You simply stand in the present as life’s best example of one variation of the line you carry forward.

The characters that appear in dreams are always portraying aspects of you. Siblings can personify your competitiveness or aspects that you associate with them, while parents suggest motherly and fatherly traits within you.

Dream Processing

You spend one third of your life, the same amount of time dedicated toward your career, exploring existence in a topsy-turvy world of dreams and symbols. As if you have entered a world of mirrors, all that you encounter becomes a reflection of you. Taking the time to understand your dreams allows you to take ownership of your life. When you are facing crisis, dreams reveal the way ahead, activating self-knowledge and direction in life.

Since the time of Freud and Jung, enormous data and research has validated the patterns they wrote about that reveal how dreams demonstrate an organizing force within the psyche. Recurring dreams are a message that you are not 'getting' some type of message. Once the dream is understood and the message applied toward making changes in your life, the dream does not recur and the dreamlife moves on to the next step in your development. The more this input is ignored, the more aggressive and conflicted dreams become. Dreaming allows you to test your development while avoiding the real life crisis that can ensue from being off track to whatever destiny has in store for you.

The subconscious mind breaks through all barriers to provide this profound direction to the dreamer. As if some aspect of the brain has an understanding that transcends a sense of time and self-awareness, dreams function like another sensory organ that allows for the exploration of potential.
Since you rehash daily events in your dreams, you probably fail to see the special nuances that make the dream different from what you experienced. However, research shows that the mind is processing this information specifically because it may have impacted you in ways that you failed to recognize. When the opportunity to transform comes up against the walls of your beliefs, self-awareness still finds productive ways of breaking through. This process of self-enlightenment can be heightened when you take an active approach in understanding your dreams.

Freud called dreaming ‘a peculiar form of thinking.’ He suggested that dreams only appeared cryptic as a way to allow transformative information beyond the walls of defense mechanisms active while we are awake. Dreams allow us to understand existence from a broader perspective and Jung understood dreams as the compensation mechanism that balances the one-sided awareness of the ego. Dreaming takes place in a part of the brain that developed before language and therefore, communicates in images. Acting as the Mind’s Mirror, they offer an objective view of who you are, and hold the clues to your unacknowledged desires and potential.

The challenge you may face in understanding the language of dreams is in recognizing that everything that appears in the dream is a reflection of you. Characters portray unacknowledged aspects that you associate with them. Even the landscape, mood and objects will conjure up personal meaning designed to affect you in the same unspoken way that art and cinematic drama can move you.

Dreams provide a point of view that is unique and strange, but more importantly, can move you emotionally and inexplicably toward a change in perspective. Therefore, while you may not remember your dreams, they are changing you in profound ways. Since they usually reveal the exact opposite of what you believe to be true about yourself, understanding the language of the dreams will offer you an indispensable tool in harnessing the power of self-awareness.

Dream Processing
  • Prior to sleep, make a conscious decision to remember your dreams and ask for guidance. This actually improves your ability to remember a dream.
  • A healthy and balanced diet in addition to a regular sleep routine will improve dream recall.
  • Have a notebook or tape recorder next to your bed to immediately record the dream.
  • Since dream imagery takes place in a different part of the brain, you will notice how allowing your thoughts of the day to intrude will make accessing dream content more difficult. Train yourself to stay with the dream, prior to thinking about what you need to do that day. If nothing else, capture the sense of emotion that the dream invoked, and use that as a thread to allow the dream imagery to return.
  • Write down as many details as you can remember. It is not important to catch every aspect because many portions of the dreamscape will reveal the same message in several different ways. Start slowly, capturing the mood, landscape, and as many details as you can recall. The dreamscape lends itself well to association so even if you are not sure of the accuracy of the symbolism, in the beginning you can use whatever words or images come to mind. This will allow you to start recognizing the profound input that always emerges from within.
  • Once you are able to easily recall your dreams, start looking for the less obvious symbols, like time of day, lighting, colors and numbers.
  • You dream of the type of things that consciousness would rather keep ‘below the surface.’ Do not become frustrated when you are unable to recall the content. If accessing this information were easy, it wouldn't be the subject of your dream. Sometimes finding the appropriate words appears difficult, so try drawing images. Explore the ‘flavor’ of your dream and the feelings it created.
  • The most important part of dream processing is the practice of recording information before your mind moves to analyze it. Approaching the content as objectively as possible to record the details will allow you to analyze it later. Even while it may appear nonsensical to you, discussing the content with a friend or partner can sometimes help you to understand it.
  • Remember that the subconscious speaks ‘cryptically,’ specifically to allow repressed information to come forward so record everything.
  • Assume that the dream knows more than you do. Gather the imagery and symbols and let the dream become your guide. The dream is trying to offer a fresh perspective about what you are failing to acknowledge in your daily experiences. Once the dream’s message begins to unfold, try to apply it toward the situations that you face.
  • Those aspects of the dream that appear the most bizarre will in time, provide the most profound clues about your identity and destiny.

Analyzing the Dream
Approach the symbolism objectively and identify the setting, characters, symbols and theme of the activity. It will usually take a series of dreams before you begin to see how conflict and its resolution are being described by your unique associations. Since the story is unique to you, the symbolism will also be personal, although the Dream Dictionary can lead you in the general direction.

Trust that the information is relevant and is being revealed to you in the only way it can be expressed. The dream may appear just beyond the grasp of your memory. You can begin to observe how concrete belief structures ward off this emerging information. You dream from a more fluid awareness, and must use a similar free flowing consciousness when retrieving the content.

Explore the dream in pieces: a) I was in a car that drove off a bridge; b) I was at a train station with a strange man and forgot my baggage; c) There were several children playing in a garden where I walked through a door into strange house. All of these symbols describe essential elements of where you stand in relation to your growth. The car describes your ‘drive to move forward’ or motivation. The train station is a place of growth that shows your desire to go somewhere new or transform. The unknown characters represent unrecognized aspects of you. The strange man can be the idea of unrecognized 'masculine' traits, like being assertive or moving toward independence. The children can portray young or emerging sides of you, which are also represented by the unknown house. Forgetting baggage or 'the things' you carry with you is a common theme from the aspect of growth. The other symbolism will reveal how you are approaching change and what is necessary to move forward.

Without pre-judging the content, write it down immediately. Look at the words individually and objectively. You will see that in most cases, they are saying the exact opposite of what you believe to be true about yourself.

In dreams, all symbols have relevance, no matter how ridiculous they may appear. Besides things, look for colors, time of day and numbers.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Sweet Dreams Are Not Made of Anger

As of late I've been having problems sleeping (well, more problems than usual). When I can sleep, my sleep is broken and filled with bad dreams and nightmares, usually about my mom and I arguing or me feeling angry at her with something she has done or who knows what. It's more than slightly disconcerting as I feel that my mom and I have a great relationship; I know that I can talk to her about anything that is on my mind. It puzzles me where this anger is coming from and why it is directed at her in my dreams.

I have felt quite angry at the world the past few days and it has put me in a rotten mood. My attitude has been horrible and my outlook on life and hope for the future has been bleak. It's just a big FTW kinda time I'm having right now. I do go through this periodically but can never recall what it is that made me see red in the first place or how I got so caught up in the emotion, never mind remembering how I got myself out of it the last time. I suppose it will be just like getting out of every funk I get into. Sit down with me, myself and I and have a heart to heart, get us all talking and share some secrets with each other. Subconsciously SOMETHING is bothering me and after taking stock this weekend in knowing and appreciating all those who love me and care for me it seems odd that such an angry mood would follow.

I left work yesterday afternoon and even though I don't want to go to work today I am heading in for noon. I want to stay home, isolated and alone yet at the same time I want to be with my friends, laugh and feel good about things. I have chores to get done around the house and my list is becoming daunting, but one step at a time. That's all I need to remember. Such an easy thing to remember, such a difficult thing to do.

I think that work is a part of my anger; a few unresolved issues that I am not in control of are bothering me.  I'm hoping that they will be resolved soon because they have been sitting on the shelf for far too long as it is. I definitely feel a lack of control around things at work right now. My concentration, patience and tolerance levels are all low so that is making it difficult to get the things done that I can control. Let me rephrase that first sentence of this paragraph: I know that work is a part of my anger...

Overall I just want to feel appreciated and like I matter in life and in love. On my good days, I know this without a doubt. When I'm filled with sadness or anger, I'm also filled with doubt and self-loathing. I go over my past actions with a fine tooth comb and compare them to my values and morals and I pick out the things that aren't quite in line with my heart and I tear myself apart. I have no regrets in my life; yeah I've made some not-so-good choices here and there, but I've also made some really great choices that have brought me to where I am (negative mood aside).

Just going over the list of things in my mind right now I can see where the problem is, or problems are in this case. I am experiencing emotional unrest in the following categories:

Hobbies and Interests
Life, in general

So yeah, I feel angry. I've been irresponsible with, irrational about, unfocused on, displeased with, distracted by, bored with and/or too exhausted to care about any or all of the above. So yeah, that would make me feel angry...and sad...and disappointed in myself.

Now...to fix it. (Me thinks me has a long, winding road ahead of me the rest of this week.)

I wonder what's at the top?

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Looking Back on 2013

As I lay in bed this morning scrolling through the oodles of updates from my friends and information (important or otherwise) from the many "Likes" I've committed to, a thought came to me. I wondered how many people, in reviewing their accomplishments, tribulations, and events of the past year actually go back to their social media sites to look back on everything that they have posted, shared, liked, commented on, etc.

I thought about this for some time and ended up saying to myself "Self, if only we had time to do that at the end/beginning of every year." And then I realized how not present in the moment I was for most of those shares and likes. The only social media I use is Facebook. As you know from my earlier blog entries, I often take a break from the social media world. Lately, though, I have taken a new look at things that social media offers us, in the positive light. There are always wonderful pictures, inspirational sayings and, as in the bookstore, self-help tools are plentiful! To me, the importance of these facets of Facebook, and other social media sites, is that the item I'm about to share, like or comment on resonates with me. In a positive way.

That being said, in my reflection of 2013 and happening across the following quote, I realized many things.

When I think of all the times the sun has shone and all the times the storm has brewed, broken and passed, just in 2013, I am grateful for my friends and family that have stood beside me, supported me, and (more times than I care to admit to myself) picked me up and helped me put myself back together. Just writing this and thinking about the love that everyone I know and care for feels for me makes me cry. It makes me SO happy to know that there is so much love out there, even though it often feels or seems like the world is filled with so many other distasteful actions, words and/or feelings.

There are so many people out there that can change the world, change lives, change one life, even! And all it takes is love. It is through the people that I have crossed paths with throughout my life that I have learned this and so much more.

Love DOES conquer all.
Love IS forgiving.
Love IS kind.
Love DOES NOT judge or criticize.
Love IS blind.

I don't want to just feel love. 
I want to BE love.


Thank you for being the reason that I smile today.

If you would like a smile today please check out the playlist I made on YouTube today. It is a reminder of the humanity that still exists in the world today. Love to all, Namaste.