Thursday, June 27, 2013

"I Can't Get No....Satisfaction"

Today I woke up feeling Blah. I didn't want to get out of bed but I had things to do, places to go and, unfortunately, people to see in amongst there. My schedule was set the night before and I was set to stick to my schedule the night before. That feeling did not stay with me through the night.  It went somewhere far, far away (although I'm sure it will return when it is ready). I rearranged my schedule, post-poned a few things and outright cancelled a few other things. I did go to my counselling appointment which helped with my thought process but didn't actually make me feel any better by the end of the day, which is right now, almost literally. It probably will be past the end of the day by the time I hit "Publish".

First I will talk about how I felt then I will talk about what I am going to work on to change how I feel when (not if) this comes up again for me.

When I woke up this morning I felt frustrated, depressed, confused, anti-social and generally unsatisfied in every area of my life. I have been laid off work for 2 months now, heading back in one month. I feel depressed about that. There was so much I wanted to accomplish but haven't. And time is slipping away on me. My "To Do" list has barely anything scratched off and I feel angry and frustrated about that. I felt really great on Monday and was even dancing around the house making silly noises to my pets while I cooked supper.  Yes, I cooked supper.  It was not cereal or a sandwich or a granola bar. It was a real meal. This almost sudden change in mood confused me today. Then, enter anti-social, stage left: I was irritated by drivers on my way to my appointment and even by the people waiting at reception while I was checking in for my appointment. I didn't want to go out for supper for my friend's birthday or go over to another friend's house to watch Masterchef. Thinking about all of the above, my home, my career, my relationship, my situation in life, made me feel unsatisfied. So I know the "why"... sort of. Now I need to change my outlook on all of it. Enter Social Worker (Counsellor) Alison.

It's always convenient when you have an appointment with your counsellor on a day when you feel like shit inside your head. It's more productive than going on a good day, I think! So we looked at how I was feeling and discussed some options and an action plan for me. I did get most of my things accomplished today that I set out to do but the ones that fell off my list are the most important ones to me. This is "Me Time" not "Everyone Else Time" and I tend to forget that. The result: "Me" things get lost or ignored because of the "Everyone Else" things.

Out of the discussion came the root of the issue. I'm stuck on reorganizing my house. More specifically two rooms in my house. I have sorted and thrown out and recycled and given away a lot of things from one room. But I need to do more.  I can't do more until I have room in the other room. So I need to sort, throw out, recycle and give away stuff from the other room. I'm having difficulty with that one. I am seeking permission from people that gave me stuff in order for me to get rid of it. I feel guilty that I'm getting rid of it. But I shouldn't.  It's okay to throw stuff out. It's okay to give stuff away.  It's okay to sell stuff. And I know it will feel good to get rid of a lot of the stuff that is cluttering up my house and my mind.  It is not good for my mental state to have this clutter in there and out here. And if it has to go in the landfill then so be it. My mental health is more important right now.  And besides, I recycle, up-cycle, donate, reuse and repurpose things all the time.  I seldom put garbage out more than once a month, if that. I don't generate a lot of waste even with 2 cats and a dog (all natural, flushable, biodegradable litter and a doggy doo composter).  There is nothing wrong with throwing away a few things here and there. I need to accept that there are things that come into my life that I will need to throw away.

So why the dissatisfaction with everything else? Maybe it's my mood, maybe it's because my needs aren't being met, maybe it's because I expect too much from myself and from others. Maybe I'm just tired and overwhelmed and need to break things down into smaller tasks (surprise, surprise as this seems to be a recurring theme in my life). My latest app for my iPad/iPhone is called "Do It (Tomorrow)". All you see is today and tomorrow and you add things to your to do list. It's very much like writing one on paper which I LOVE! What you don't get done today automatically rolls over to tomorrow. When something is done, you tap it and it gets crossed out, like on a piece of paper, which I LOVE! Did I already mention that? :) I'm hoping that this little simple app will help me focus on the now instead of the bigger picture which in turn will lead to less frustration and more productivity.

With the hope of less frustration and more productivity in mind, I best be getting to bed to hopefully get a good night of rest. It's a busy day tomorrow and I'm running out of tomorrows to move things to! :D  Be well, my friends. In Darkness and in Light.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Long Drive Home

I wish that there was a thought track that recorded every single thought that passed through my head at any given time.  I took the four hour drive from the city to the country to visit my parents and man I had some great thoughts!  But now I don't remember them.  My only companion was my dog and he wasn't much for conversation so I had a lot of time to think.  He was more interested in sticking his snout out the window to get a good whiff of whatever it was that he could smell in passing.

I do remember some of my thoughts though:
  • I prayed to the dragon fly gods and goddesses and asked them to forgive me for all the dragon flies that were being unintentionally mounted to the grill of my car as I sped down the road.
  • I wished I had a thought recorder, more often than once in that four hours!
  • Why do turtles cross the road?
  • If the dog is so hot why doesn't he drink water when we stop and I fill up his dish?
  • What goes on in the vast expanse of trees and rocks that line the highway?
  • I wonder where they are going.  I wonder where they are going. I wonder where they are going. I wonder where they are coming from.
  • I need to google endorphins and find out why mine seem to be stuck somewhere.
  • Why is the limousine bus from my city out here in the middle of nowhere? I wonder who's paying for THAT trip!
  • Why do dogs roll in poop? I hope that was bear smells like berries.  It must be bear poop.
As I drove down the highway I thought of all the times I had driven that route, each vehicle that I was driving or had travelled in, who I was with, where we stopped for pee breaks, where I stopped to pick flowers, where I got a speeding ticket.  It brought back a lot of memories.  Most of them good.  Like MW seeing his first moose ever. I'm pretty sure he was in his early thirties at the time.  I remember thinking "Who hasn't seen a moose?" but if you are from the southern USA and have never been to Canada or northern USA you have probably never seen a real live moose. Something that I take for granted. The child-like excitement he showed was uplifting, enlightening even. :)

This made start thinking about some of my firsts and to contemplate what I felt.  Excitement? Fear? Joy? Anxiety? Giddiness?  I don't really remember a lot of excitement of joy.  Maybe some giddiness, but mostly fear and anxiety associated with the firsts I could recall.  I don't regret anything that has happened in my life but sometimes I do wish that I could have some of those firsts over again and feel the happiness and excitement instead of the anxiety and fear that I recall. I was scared most of the time. Scared to take off my lifejacket in swimming lessons, scared to cross the border when they changed the "toll" system, scared to go somewhere new for the first time without anyone with me.

I still feel that way often, like a frightened child in a dark room not knowing where the light switch is but knowing it is there somewhere. Reaching out and grasping in the dark, feeling the wall with one hand and swiping the other in front so as not to stub a toe or bash a kneecap. I need to console that frightened child within me, take her hand and lead her to the light switch, help her turn it on and let her know that it's ok, that there is nothing to be afraid of. Not knowing what's in store or what's in the dark is a part of life. Everyone is in the same boat. None of us can see the future, not even fortune tellers ( a recent psychic event was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances, they said).

All that I can do is plan my best to reach my goals and when life throws a curve ball, I need to adjust my plans accordingly. What are my goals and plans anyways?  Anyone out there know? I seem to have gotten lost in my thoughts and need to bushwhack my way back to my path. I thought this summer was going to be different than it has been. I wanted to accomplish so much. I'm not really sure what I've been doing, really. Someone asked me "Why do you have to accomplish anything while you are laid off?" Maybe I've said this before in a previous blog but I keep thinking about it. Why DO I need to accomplish anything? Because that's what I do. I like to accomplish things, not for recognition but to learn and grow and conquer my demons. One day I will even conquer those demons in my head that chase me when I am training to run.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Who Am I NOT?

Who? Or What? Either way it's a difficult question. I was reading a friend's blog the other night and "Who are you not?" was a question she posed at the end of it. I wrote it down on a sticky and put it on my desk. (Well actually I typed it on a "sticky" and put it on my "desktop" on my computer. Love this digital world.) So I've been pondering that, among other things. Too much time to think these days.

What does it mean? "Who am I not?" Literally? Or figuratively? Or characteristically? I'm going to have to read her blog again and figure out what this confounded question really means...

Letting Go

I used to have a rabbit. I used to have fish. And a cat. Then the fish died. Then I ended up with a dog. Still had the cat and the rabbit. Then the rabbit died. Then I ended up with another cat. Oh and there was a tarantula and another rabbit and some baby rabbits in there too. 

It was some time ago that my spider, my fish and my rabbit died. Not all at the same time though thank goodness! My dad was down here a few weeks ago and we cleaned out underneath the front steps. It's a horrible dirty stinky mouldy place under there. That's where I had my pet stuff stored. A fish tank and paraphernalia. A couple of rabbit pens and paraphernalia. A spider tank. He was wondering why I still had all that stuff. I didn't have the animals anymore so why would I still hang onto all that physical stuff? I said what if I get more fish? Or another rabbit? He chuckled and shook his head and grinned at me the way a dad does when he doesn't understand why his daughter does the things she does. 

I thought about it for a while after he had left. Why was I holding on to these things? What did they mean to me? What did they represent to me? Was it something as simple as "out of sight, out of mind"?

I let them go. To people that needed them that will use them to make a good home for some lucky pets.  Some fish for a little girl. An orphaned jack rabbit for a young couple. It was sad for me but good for me to do. 

Why do we hold on? Why do we let go of some stuff and not others? Physically, emotionally, spiritually, literally, figuratively, with anger, with love, with need, with desire, with jealousy, with every ounce of our being, sometimes.

What do you hold onto and why?

PS You should see my dad's garage/woodshed/storage building.  It's full of stuff he doesn't use. Not that I'm pointing fingers but if he wonders where I learned this behaviour...