Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Running in Circles, Chasing My Tail

What an uphill battle this month has been.  Since my last post on February 9th I have: called the crisis response service, had the mobile nurse unit at my home, been to emergency to visit with the mental health assessment team, been to a walk in clinic to get a doctor only to discover that a new referral had to be submitted by a primary care giver other than a naturopath, regardless of whether I had a family doctor or not.  And this was over a span of only 6 days.

The crisis response service sent the mobile nurses unit over to my home to talk with me to determine what the best course of action was based on our discussion.  It was decided that I would go to emergency to meet with the Mental Health Advisory Team (MHAT) that works out of the hospital for cases such as mine and more severe ones.  After waiting for 2 hours to see a nurse, I had to wait 2 hours again to see the MHAT nurse.  It was advised that even though I'm high functioning (getting up, taking care of myself and my pets, going to work, etc) that I should voluntarily admit myself to the mental health ward of the hospital.  I cried when she said this.  Really?  You want me to stop functioning to get the help that I need so that I can start functioning again?  How much sense does that make?

Since then the crisis hotline nurses have called to check on me at least once a week.  I have numerous phone calls to make to be able to find a psychiatrist in order to do an assessment to determine what, if anything, needs to be done with my medication.  Regardless of whether I had a family doctor in the beginning of this process I would still be making the same phone calls, getting the same answers and jumping through the same hoops.

My EAP has provided me with the phone number for the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario.  Today I called this number and got stuck in an automated loop.  Tomorrow I will try again to reach someone, someone that is not automated hopefully.  I also tried the Canadian Mental Health Association.  After calling the main number and inquiring about one of their programs, I was given another number.  When I called this second number, the nice person that answered the phone directed me back to the main number.  When I explained that's how I got this number to reach her she told me to call the main number again and ask for the Central Intake Worker by name.  Thanks...He's not in.  Leave a message after the tone.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow...

My list of phone numbers and contacts is growing, but my progress in getting the help that I need is painstakingly slow.  My patience is diminishing and my sanity is decreasing.  My friends have been there for me numerous times to support me and keep me afloat when I felt I would drown.  I cannot thank them enough for this.

When the system fails you, don't fail yourself.  Be strong and hold tight.  Have your own support system made up of many people so that you don't tax one person continuously.  Recognize that others have their own lives but that there will always be someone there for you when you need them.  In a pinch I know I who I can call.  And if that fails I know I can call the Crisis Hotline and there will be a soothing, concerned voice on the other end of the phone to talk me down or up or whatever it is that I need a that time.

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Today is just a day to vent on here so bear with me.  I called to follow up about my referral and find out which stage of the process it is in.  Well, they can't do anything with my referral until I have a family physician.  How does THAT work?  I need help and I want help and I'm ready to get help but because there are no physicians taking new patients in this city I can't get help?

I had a friend help me find other resources tonight and I will be researching them tomorrow (what with all the spare time I have at my new job...*sarcasm*).  Into the board room to make some private calls so as not to scare off my new co-workers this early in the game.  Or I will just show up at the places on my lists and plead for help.

Or I will just accept this as my life and live with it.  Or die with it.  Today is not a good day in my head.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Putting the Puzzle Together

Wouldn't it be neat if we were made of butterflies?
Ever have a day where your head is a mess?  Full of puzzle pieces but you don't have the picture on the box to know what you are trying to put together.  Or maybe all the pieces aren't there.  Or maybe not all the pieces are yours!  Someone else's puzzle got mixed up with yours and you don't know whose is whose.  Take your freakin' pieces back, you jerk!

I had one of those days last Saturday.  But I didn't blog until now.  I sat alone in the dark and eventually napped but woke up crying and couldn't stop.  Thank goodness for a good friend that sits patiently on the other end of the phone while I blubber on about how my boundaries aren't respected by others, and who knows what else was the crisis of the day.  I honestly don't even remember what I was so upset about.  Something affected me deeply enough to make me cry in my sleep and wake up still crying.  I have a friend that always says "The answer is within yourself.  Look within."  Ok...maybe I need to look deeper and my boundary issues.  No, I don't have a problem with boundaries, it's others in my life that do.  So what's my dealio with boundarinos?  Anyone want to help me out on this one?  I'm drawing a blank.  And have been for some time on this one, over and over again.  But it keeps coming up.

As for the other things in my life, I am still waiting.  I am still waiting for the referral to kick in however I did receive acknowledgement that they received it.  They noted I didn't have a family doctor and gave me several avenues to pursue to find one, all of which I was already in the process of doing.  I received word from the nurse practitioners clinic that they are full up but I am on their list. The nurses registry told me there are no family doctors taking new patients.  I have registered with Health Care Connect, after having to de-register myself with my retired doctor, however registering with Health Care Connect does not guarantee that they will find you a doctor nor should you stop looking for a doctor on your own accord.  Yes I have jumped through hoops only to be in the same position I was prior to my acrobatic act.  But at least I'm a little bit more flexible now. :)  A friend/co-worker of mine suggested I try her doctor.  So I called.  She made me.  While I dialed and talked to the receptionist my co-worker sat there watching and listening and waiting with me. :)  What a trooper she is! LOL!  So I filled out the form and faxed it in.  Now I wait for that, too.  What more can I do?  I guess I carry on. :)

In the meantime I've started a new job and after my first day I feel like I belong there.  Small group of immediate co-workers, focussed tasks, flexible schedule if necessary and summers off.  YAHOO!  Winter is not a good time for people in my condition to be off work.  It's hard enough to get out of the cool sheets on a warm day, it's even harder to get out of a cozy warm bed with all the animals cuddled around you in the dead of winter.  No purpose to my winters hasn't been working out.  Now I have a plan.  And it feels good.  I have a plan for work, I have a plan for education, I have a plan for play (that plan is to play it by ear!).

Life is good...today.  Plus it's my birth month so the parties have started!  Maybe my puzzle is slowly working its way together. Maybe I'm riding a euphoric wave.  Whatever it is, it's good right now.  I hope I can handle things with this attitude when things aren't so good...