Just a Quick Note Today

There are a few things I want to fill in between the last blog and today but I wanted to get on here before I left for my psychiatric assessment this morning with the mental health outpatient program.  Yes it's today. Finally.  But I'm nervous that it's here.  My friend told me last night "Good luck, go crazy!"  I am who I am right now.  Answer the questions and hope they can help me for the better.

I'm anxious, of course.  Paranoid, of course.  The usual.  But multiplied a few times today I think.  I'm actually shaking.  Shivering some times.  Scared.....that's what it is.  I'm too tough to be scared.  if I have made it this far i can make it through today.  I took the whole day off work and even though taking the bus gives me a bit of anxiety, I am busing it today so I don't have to worry about parking, feeding a meter and getting a ticket if I'm too long at my appointment.

Deep breaths.  One day at a time, one thing at a time.  You can do this.  When the day is done, you will feel better because you will have more answers than you started the day with.  Put on your oxygen mask before you help put everyone's oxygen mask on them.  Go get 'em, girl!

Just Another Manic Episode

Over a week of good days...must be high time...

What's it like when I'm like this?  During the day I'm happy.  Crazy, talkative, bubbly, social, happy.  One of those people that I stay away from because they are so animated it exhausts me being around them for long periods of time.  At night I don't sleep much, and right now I'm angry.  No real reason.  Just seething, red hot anger that makes me want to walk forever, drive forever not knowing where I'm going or caring where I will end up.  I want to make bad choices because it will make things better for the moment.  But I don't make bad choices.  So I am sober and straight and want to throw things and break things and yell and scream and jump up and down.  Like a little kid having a temper tantrum.  They know how to do it, let it all out and get it over with until you are too tired to do anything more.  Then life goes on as if nothing ever happened in their kid world.  How do I let it out?  How do I release this anger within me when I don't even know where it comes from?  Does it matter where it comes from at this moment in time?

There's no point in talking to anyone I care about during times like this.  I just end up hurting the ones that I love.  Burning bridges, slamming doors, stepping on toes, all that jazz.  Better off alone in this state of mind.  Walk it off, cry it off, get lost in the music.  I remember when I was younger (high school even), I would go out on the back deck of my parents' house and yell at the top of my lungs.  Just shout out a big bellow.  They live in the country so it was okay to do this.  My parents would laugh but it would make me feel so much better...I need a country acre to do that with again.

I will do my best to sleep it off.  Might be enough time to take a pill...

One Step Forward...

I received a letter in the mail on Friday.  I am to call to make arrangements with the mental health centre for assessments and appointments and they will determine what to do with me.  So who knows where I will end up?

On an even better note, I am on 3 good days in a row in my head.  : )  Boundaries, morals, ethics, wants, needs, priorities are all in alignment this weekend.  Well mostly.  100% of my choices aren't the best for me but I'm closer than I was last weekend.  One day at a time, one thing at a time.  I accomplished a few things and made choices this weekend that made me feel good.  I didn't save the world but I saved a piece of myself, a few pieces of myself, even.  I hope this trend lasts...it feels good to feel good. : )

Trigger Me This

So Saturday night was rough.  I called everyone I could and texted a few peeps but it still didn't help. Those big fat juicy tears that you sometimes get were plopping down my face like a faucet leaking.  A friend came over and we made pasta and ate it and watched a movie and drank until 6:30 in the morning.  Probably not the best choices but I would have been awake anyways so I might as well be awake and doing something fun with people that care about me and that I care about.

So all day Sunday I tried to figure out what triggered the melt down.  What happened Saturday?  What happened Friday?  Did I sleep enough previous to getting no sleep Saturday?  Did I eat something?  Did I not do something I should have?  AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!  What the f*&% was it that happened that made the thoughts that created the feeling?

Monday and Tuesday fared no better during the day but I managed.  Monday I learned it is a 9 month to 1 year wait for a psychiatrist in this city.  Even if I do admit myself voluntarily to the mental health ward of the hospital there is no guarantee that I will be helped much sooner from what I have heard from others that have experienced similar things.  So I'm still waiting.  Paranoia was at a high today.  Seems to fluctuate between anxiety and paranoia these days.

I'm not making smart choices these days.  What am I doing?  I'm falling off the horse...

What Not to do on a Bad Day

1. Try to have serious conversations via text
2. Pour yourself a few drinks to relax
3. Drunk text your friends
4. Pretend you are okay but really you aren't
5. Talk about how big your tears are
6. Ask direct questions via text to someone who's tired and avoids direct questions on their good day
7. Blog
8. Make travel plans with your brother
9. Call anyone who you think will listen because

• they might be on a date
• they might be trying to sleep
• they might be out on the town for a good time