The Sound of a Broken Heart

Making new friends isn't easy. Keeping friends is even more difficult. Putting it all out there, trusting, having faith in another person, it's all very confusing and takes work - sometimes a lot of effort, sometimes very little effort. Loving someone, on the other hand, seems so easy for me, though.  I'm not talking about being in love, or falling in love, with someone. Just loving someone, wanting nothing but happiness, joy, peace and love for them, no matter where they are in life. When people treat you like crap, it's not because they love you. Sometimes it's not even personal, this is just the way they treat people for whatever reason. Regardless, this can be a hard pill to swallow.

When I give someone all of the love that I can and they turn away from me, often it's because they don't feel worthy of the love that I am giving them. They don't feel that they deserve to be loved; instead they feel that they deserve to be treated like crap by someone that doesn't love them. It breaks my heart every time, not for my sake but for their sake. My heart breaks for them and I cry tears of sadness for them, that they are in such a state of mind that they are not accepting of and open to receiving love. I'm not asking everyone to love me in return. I'm asking them to love themselves and know that they are worthy and deserving of the love that I am, and others that respect them are, willing to give them.

I was listening to the radio today and a song by Brandi Carlile came on - The Things I Regret. I found the words to this song moving and they gave me a new perspective about something. In particular it was the following lyrics:

But I keep pressing forward with my feet to the ground, for a heart that is broken makes a beautiful sound.

So often we try to get over, ignore or forget the painful emotions that we experience, one being heartbreak.  The lines above from Brandi Carlile's song makes me think of embracing the feeling of a broken heart, listening to the sound of your heart no matter the state of your mind. A broken heart can be painful but it can also be empowering, mind-opening and hold valuable lessons. These lines spoke to me today when I heard them and I hope that they speak to you. Hear the sound of your broken heart (or your anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.) and listen to that sound. That sound will guide you to a happier state of being, though it might not feel like it at the time.

Love has no limits.
Love is never-ending.
Love is all encompassing.
Love knows no boundaries.
Love shows no shame.
Love is. It just is.

Shout Out to the Sensitive People

I've come to realize, and stubbornly accept, that I am a sensitive person. This is not something good or bad, negative or positive; it just is. I can't change that I'm sensitive but I am learning about ways to manage my sensitivity, just like I've learned ways to manage my depression and anxiety. It's like potty training, for your emotions.

Most of my information these days is gleaned from Facebook, much to my dismay. I realized today that I've saved quite a few posts on Facebook related to being a sensitive person so I thought that I would share a few links and memes (is that what those are called?) with you here, all in one spot, throughout my ramblings. I hope that you find these links helpful. If any of them are broken please let me know and I will update or remove them.

For all you readers out there that are sensitive, the first step, as with anything else, is accepting that you are sensitive. Embrace and embody that part of you. It can be a wonderful thing and I think the world needs more sensitivity. We are good people! Can I get a WHOOT WHOOT!?

I was, and still am, one to cry over almost everything. It's embarrassing to cry whenever I feel an emotion - happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. It makes it very difficult to communicate through hiccups, sobs and snotty snorts. But there's good news! Crying means you are mentally tough! Ronda Rousey says she cries before every match. I will take that one as a win, for sure!

I have learned that crying is cathartic. It releases a lot of my emotions and after a good cry, either in bed or in the shower, I usually feel pretty damn good. Like I can face the world and conquer whatever it throws in my path. So, cry, I say. Show your tears proudly, just make sure they aren't crocodile tears. No one likes a faker.

Often, sensitive people are introverts (or vice versa) or shy. Knowing whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, or whether your friend is an introvert or extravert can help immensely in relationships and life, in general. Like when you go to a party together, or the bar, or the grocery store, or the newly opened Wacky Wings on a Saturday night.

Introvert Doodles

A wonderful resource for sensitive people is Doreen Virtue's website and books. She offers ways to manage your sensitive energy, chakra clearing, stress management techniques, and assertiveness advice, to name a few. Another great author/speaker is Eckhart Tolle. Overthinking is something that isn't limited to the brains of sensitive people. Tolle speaks and writes of mindfulness and being in the present moment, which is something that, in today's fast paced world, a lot of people don't do. It often leads to sleep difficulties, negative thoughts, lack of self-care and just a plain old stone cold heart, eventually.

So if you are a sensitive person (or even an HSP - highly-sensitive person), fear not because the world needs us. We are a special breed that keep the peace and wipe the tears and put on the bandaids while others kick sand our faces. It's not an easy job to be a sensitive person but it's a necessary one. Through knowledge and perseverance we can keep the balance of this world right. Through compassion and understanding we can make the world a better place. So wear your heart on your sleeve proudly but learn how to protect it from the elements. Shine up your chakras and keep them cleared, put those protective crystals in your pocket or around your neck or wrist and step up to the challenge of being sensitive. We are all here to support each other and love each other!

Namaste


More interesting resources:
People react to being called beautiful
The Five Thinking Traps (Facebook link)
Gary Vaynerchuk YouTube (explicit language)
Ways to Lower Your Cortisol Levels and Your Anxiety
Things to Remember When You Are Having Negative Thoughts
Things to Remember When Going Through Tough Times
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Self-Forgiveness

My newest journey is an 11 Day Prosperity Meditation. I am now entering into Day 7 and it has been interesting what has been coming up while I'm meditating, the thoughts that enter into my consciousness. As with anything that is new, the first couple days I found it difficult. It took mental strength to focus on so many things at once during the meditation - posture, breathing, audible chanting, hand motions, and the big one, holding the vision of exactly what I want to attract into my life at this time that would lead to prosperity. The yoga teacher indicated that this is normal, it takes practice, and to keep going. So I did, and with a little adjustment - sitting with my back supported - I was able to focus on everything much better which led me to feeling successful, which in turn led me to continue thus far, into Day 7!

I noticed that I get emotional during the 11 minutes that I am meditating. The first few times this threw me off; I didn't understand why I felt such deep emotion, such sadness and the urge to cry. But I kept on with my practice, daily, letting the feelings sit and then eventually paying more attention to them. Part of me (let's call this part Rho) feels that I don't deserve to have prosperity or abundance in my life. Rho feels that she can do without and when Rae is peacefully meditating and has a clear focus about her vision, Rho feels guilty that Rae wants prosperity in her life. There is an emotional struggle within me between Rae and Rho. Rae says "Yay!" and Rho says "No." I haven't actually cried yet during the Prosperity Meditation, but I'm sensing that things are coming to the surface and I will need to have a talk with Rho so that she understands that we are both safe, that no harm will come to us.

Another thing that has come up is forgiveness. I'm a forgiving person, I don't like holding a grudge. What purpose does it serve? It only eats me up inside. It does nothing to the person that I'm grudging against! They don't feel my emotions towards them, so why carry it myself? This is how I (do my best to) live my life. Yet when it comes to forgiving myself, that's another story. During meditation, my back/shoulders begins to ache a little bit, or I have to scratch my nose, or yawn, or open my eyes to make sure there isn't a cat about to get caught in the hand movements. When these little things happen Rho chastises Rae - it must always be done perfectly, everyone else can do it perfectly, their backs or shoulders done get sore, they don't scratch an itch, they are more focused and better than you, Rae. When these thoughts begin to come up for air it makes me want to quit meditating. And this is a pattern in my life. When that voice, Rho, starts saying no, I desperately want to call her on her bullshit. But maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not outgoing enough. Maybe I won't succeed. Maybe I will fail. But what if she's wrong? I won't know until I offer myself forgiveness and move forward to try again, to aim for better next time. And one day Rho will be wrong. Because I know I'm good enough, smart enough. I am outgoing enough for the things that I need to get done to reach my dreams and live out my intentions. I am succeeding at so many things in life. Hell I'm succeeding at LIFE! I'm not failing, I'm learning. And I'm proud of myself for everything that I have accomplished in the past, everything that I am accomplishing in the present and everything that I aim to accomplish in the future.

I am proud of me. I love me. I forgive me. I support me. I nurture me. I take care of me. I do all of these things for myself so that I can do them for others. So doesn't it make sense that I treat myself the way that I treat other? With compassion, empathy, forgiveness and understanding? Why would I not offer these things to myself, to my spirit, to my essence, to my being, yet offer them to everyone that crosses my path in life?

Do you treat yourself as you treat others? If not what would you like to change? Start being the person that you want to become and you will become the person that you want to be.

Success, Failure and Fear

Last Friday, I attended a Facebook book launch for Aliza Bloom Robinson's book Falling Into Ease and as part of her launch she was offering tons of great prizes to those that attended and posted a review on Amazon. I don't usually do those sorts of things but this time I thought, why the heck not? I hadn't read her book cover to cover at the time but I did read parts of it and skimmed through other parts and I knew it would be a useful tool to add to my collection! Anyway, I ended up winning a free 30 minute session with Aliza and 50% off her Masterclass she is offering in November. I was pretty excited! But I had homework to do before my free session with her. She asked me to identify one thing that I think is a habit, pattern or obstacle to a dream or goal that I have. So I journaled last night on this. I'm currently considering a career change and want to venture out on my own - I've always been really great at helping people (sometimes to my own detriment but I've learned some good lessons and won't repeat that again, hopefully!) so why not make a career out of it? That was the dream that I focussed on for this particular session.

Here's what came up in my journalling:

When I think of myself as being successful I don't see a clear path from here to there. I see the end result and where I am now but the in-between is a large concrete barrier or quicksand. I have to chip my way through or slowly maneuver my way across or find a way around. I get frustrated with not seeing immediate, large scale results and then I lose my motivation and quit or lose interest or get depressed and down on myself. I KNOW that I'm making progress even though it might be small steps but my heart doesn't feel it.

So I asked myself "What will happen if I fail? What will happen if I succeed?" Failure is not the end of the world. It is a chance to learn, to grow. If I fail I will be disappointed in myself but there are many other methods and things to try. I will still be who I am. My family and friends will still love me and care about me. The only person I will disappoint is myself. If I succeed it will also be a chance to learn, to grow. My family and friends will still love me and care about me. I will have made new friends, new contacts, new wealth, new opportunities - wait…all of that could happen even if I fail. So really, what do I have to lose? Absolutely nothing at all, really.

In summary of my journalling I came up with this quote:

It is not whether I will fail or succeed at what I dream of doing. It is what I will gain from doing what I dream of.

That brings me to my session with Aliza. In less than 45 minutes I was brought to tears and saw my future as it could be; I was proud of my future self. I am proud of me! I've always had a fear of failure and recently realized that I also have a fear of success. Aliza helped bring me back to the moment when that fear was instilled in me. I was transported to kindergarten however many years ago. According to my mom, I knew my shapes and colours and was reading Reader's Digest condensed books so the decision was made to move me into Grade 1 after the Christmas holidays. I changed busses, schools, teachers, friends. I was the new kid in class half way through the year. I was shy and all this attention made me want to curl up in a hole. Looking back on this, I can see why I developed a fear of success. Everything was torn away from me because I was "smarter" than the other kids my age in the kindergarten class, most of whom lived in my country neighbourhood and took my bus, and could have been my friends.

I knew that this event impacted my life significantly but I didn't realize how deeply it was rooted in my core being. Aliza took me into a guided anxiety attack and had me explain what my anxiety and fear looked like. Imagery is an amazing thing! I felt trapped, which is how I feel quite often - treading water just to be able to breathe, never mind being able to swim anywhere. Someone/something was squeezing my spirit to protect me but was squeezing too hard and, until now, I had been unable to break free. Aliza guided me through releasing that feeling; not getting rid of it, just releasing it, to examine it to see what it looked like. We then "unhooked" me from that moment in kindergarten and activated a new thought based on how I saw my future - to be proud of myself. I am free; I am safe; I am happy. I am standing up for myself; I have a voice that is heard.

This was an amazing experience that Aliza walked me through. I'm still digesting and processing the flood of emotions that continue to sweep through me. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to my daily task of envisioning what it feels like to be living my dream, feeling happy and safe, being free and infusing that feeling into the present. I am weaving that feeling into every fibre of my being, nurturing my spirit and taking care of my 6 year old self - the little girl that learned to fear the feeling of success, a feeling that should be wonderful and amazing!

Shortly after I did my journalling last night I came across a post on Facebook where a website will create a quote by "analyzing" your Facebook posts. This was what it came up with for me:

Very appropriate considering my journey the past few days and, without her even knowing this quote appeared to me, Aliza echoed it by saying that once you take a step the next step will be revealed. My concrete barrier/quicksand has now turned into a staircase to success!

What would it feel like for you to live your dream? Envision what it would look like, feel like, taste like, sound like. Envision that EVERY DAY! The "how" doesn't matter right now, just focus on the feeling of success and happiness, whatever it feels like for you when you envision living your dream and/or achieving your goal!

March 23, 2003 - Dreams

What are my dreams/hopes/aspirations in life? I used to have many but it seems as I've gotten older and entered "the real world" my dreams have been diminished, destroyed or have disappeared altogether. Why did I let this happen? How can I have goals or expect to reach my goals if I don't have dreams? Come on dreams! Why have I deserted you for so long?

Dreams make me want to be somebody, to do something. In a general sense, I feel dreams are silly…but a few years ago I would have refuted anyone who said that to me! So now I need to find my dreams or make new ones. Playing flute in the Walt Disney orchestra, racing stock car, obtaining my CMA and Forensic Accounting certificate. They are still there, just buried deep beneath a lot of other garbage, maybe disguised as new dreams, even! Tonight I will dream of my dreams and return to the path of enjoyment, struggle and success. I will work hard to find my dreams, to set goals which will help me achieve those dreams and all the while remain me, as those who love me and accept me know me.

I am strong, intelligent, diligent and capable. If I put my mind to it I can accomplish anything and I have the support of friends and family who love me very much. I can ask for help if I need it because there is no reason for me to struggle alone.

To dreams and the path of achievement!

Foundlings

I know, it's been awhile since I've been here. I'm not sure why as I've had plenty to pour out. Maybe I've been scared to know what's inside, to know and to let it out, even here. But I've found a project that will hopefully bring me back here more regularly. It's something I've been meaning to do but have been putting it off. I was tidying up today, getting some paperwork done, and came across my journal of sorts. I used to pick a topic/theme/emotion and free write. Over the next while I will be posting the entries from my old journal here on my blog. They are short but maybe they will help someone out there. I know that re-reading these entries and typing them out will help me. 

I didn't realize how old the entries were when I had pulled it out over a year ago and set the intention to transfer the entries here. Upon opening it when I sat down to type tonight, I realized that even though the first entry is from 13 years ago, I am currently sort of where I was 13 years ago. And 13 is my lucky number. So it's appropriate that I sat down to do this now, I guess!

So here goes nothing, something or everything!