Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Success, Failure and Fear

Last Friday, I attended a Facebook book launch for Aliza Bloom Robinson's book Falling Into Ease and as part of her launch she was offering tons of great prizes to those that attended and posted a review on Amazon. I don't usually do those sorts of things but this time I thought, why the heck not? I hadn't read her book cover to cover at the time but I did read parts of it and skimmed through other parts and I knew it would be a useful tool to add to my collection! Anyway, I ended up winning a free 30 minute session with Aliza and 50% off her Masterclass she is offering in November. I was pretty excited! But I had homework to do before my free session with her. She asked me to identify one thing that I think is a habit, pattern or obstacle to a dream or goal that I have. So I journaled last night on this. I'm currently considering a career change and want to venture out on my own - I've always been really great at helping people (sometimes to my own detriment but I've learned some good lessons and won't repeat that again, hopefully!) so why not make a career out of it? That was the dream that I focussed on for this particular session.

Here's what came up in my journalling:

When I think of myself as being successful I don't see a clear path from here to there. I see the end result and where I am now but the in-between is a large concrete barrier or quicksand. I have to chip my way through or slowly maneuver my way across or find a way around. I get frustrated with not seeing immediate, large scale results and then I lose my motivation and quit or lose interest or get depressed and down on myself. I KNOW that I'm making progress even though it might be small steps but my heart doesn't feel it.

So I asked myself "What will happen if I fail? What will happen if I succeed?" Failure is not the end of the world. It is a chance to learn, to grow. If I fail I will be disappointed in myself but there are many other methods and things to try. I will still be who I am. My family and friends will still love me and care about me. The only person I will disappoint is myself. If I succeed it will also be a chance to learn, to grow. My family and friends will still love me and care about me. I will have made new friends, new contacts, new wealth, new opportunities - wait…all of that could happen even if I fail. So really, what do I have to lose? Absolutely nothing at all, really.

In summary of my journalling I came up with this quote:

It is not whether I will fail or succeed at what I dream of doing. It is what I will gain from doing what I dream of.

That brings me to my session with Aliza. In less than 45 minutes I was brought to tears and saw my future as it could be; I was proud of my future self. I am proud of me! I've always had a fear of failure and recently realized that I also have a fear of success. Aliza helped bring me back to the moment when that fear was instilled in me. I was transported to kindergarten however many years ago. According to my mom, I knew my shapes and colours and was reading Reader's Digest condensed books so the decision was made to move me into Grade 1 after the Christmas holidays. I changed busses, schools, teachers, friends. I was the new kid in class half way through the year. I was shy and all this attention made me want to curl up in a hole. Looking back on this, I can see why I developed a fear of success. Everything was torn away from me because I was "smarter" than the other kids my age in the kindergarten class, most of whom lived in my country neighbourhood and took my bus, and could have been my friends.

I knew that this event impacted my life significantly but I didn't realize how deeply it was rooted in my core being. Aliza took me into a guided anxiety attack and had me explain what my anxiety and fear looked like. Imagery is an amazing thing! I felt trapped, which is how I feel quite often - treading water just to be able to breathe, never mind being able to swim anywhere. Someone/something was squeezing my spirit to protect me but was squeezing too hard and, until now, I had been unable to break free. Aliza guided me through releasing that feeling; not getting rid of it, just releasing it, to examine it to see what it looked like. We then "unhooked" me from that moment in kindergarten and activated a new thought based on how I saw my future - to be proud of myself. I am free; I am safe; I am happy. I am standing up for myself; I have a voice that is heard.

This was an amazing experience that Aliza walked me through. I'm still digesting and processing the flood of emotions that continue to sweep through me. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to my daily task of envisioning what it feels like to be living my dream, feeling happy and safe, being free and infusing that feeling into the present. I am weaving that feeling into every fibre of my being, nurturing my spirit and taking care of my 6 year old self - the little girl that learned to fear the feeling of success, a feeling that should be wonderful and amazing!

Shortly after I did my journalling last night I came across a post on Facebook where a website will create a quote by "analyzing" your Facebook posts. This was what it came up with for me:

Very appropriate considering my journey the past few days and, without her even knowing this quote appeared to me, Aliza echoed it by saying that once you take a step the next step will be revealed. My concrete barrier/quicksand has now turned into a staircase to success!

What would it feel like for you to live your dream? Envision what it would look like, feel like, taste like, sound like. Envision that EVERY DAY! The "how" doesn't matter right now, just focus on the feeling of success and happiness, whatever it feels like for you when you envision living your dream and/or achieving your goal!

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