Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Waves of Change

The past month and a bit I've been dealing with a lot of changes. Nothing major in itself but combined it all seems pretty major to me. In the past 45 days I've started back to work, embarked on a new relationship and started participation in another group with the Mental Health Outpatient Program. I've also been on a serious job search. But wait, you are probably thinking, I have a job. That's true. I do have a job. A comfortable one with health benefits, an understanding boss and, for the most part, great co-workers. Unfortunately the seasonal aspect of my position allows for great turmoil prior to, during and upon returning from my leave. It is this turmoil that leads me into a depression, feeling hopeless and without aim for not only the 3 months that I am laid off work, but also for the month before I leave and after I return.

As much as I don't like routine, I seem to be the type of person that requires routine. Yet I can't stick to a routine that I create myself. I need to wake up, get ready, and go somewhere in order to be productive in my day. Going to the library helps. It's near my house, parking is free, wifi is free and it has air conditioning. :) If I'm still in my seasonal job this summer I will need to stick to the library plan more closely and commit to making a routine for myself.

As far as the new relationship goes, it's interesting getting to know someone. Their past, their present, their future, their intricacies, my intricacies with them.  Everything is new and exciting for the first few months. And so we have another transition for me. Single to attached, one to two, me to us, I to we. It takes a little to get used to but for the most part it's a positive thing so far. But it's testing me. Pushing me outside my comfort zone. Which leads me to the next change in my life - Interpersonal Group Therapy for Depression.

Group therapy has been a different experience this time around. There's no homework, no handouts, just us in the group talking with each other and the facilitators. We talk about the challenges we've faced over the week with respect to communicating with others. I screened into the group on the basis of my difficulty with transitions. We all started with a goal to focus on over the 20 week therapy period. My goal is to use all of my resources to look for new work. Thus far I've been half-assed looking for work. Even though earlier I said I was on a serious job search, I admit it's only half-assed.  I'm not using all my resources. I'm depending on job bank "made to match" emails and internal postings to help me find my dream job, or a job. I don't even really know what I want to do or be or get paid for. And this is something important to me. You spend most of your life at work, sometimes more time at work than at home. So it would help if (and make sense that) you enjoy your job — the work, the people, the environment, the purpose, the goal, the mission, the values. And if they have monthly BBQs in the sweeter months that is a plus. I will miss that when I leave...

I'm hoping that everything works out the way it is supposed to — in my favour. LOL! All I want is to be happy and healthy and to enjoy everything in my life to the utmost. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes it seems like it.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Saturday Morning Yoga

I finally made it in to a Saturday morning yoga class, perhaps my second Saturday since I started Kundalini Yoga, but I'm pretty sure it was my first. I've had a lot on my mind lately (but what else is new right?). I've been back at work for a month now and it has been a hellish time. Barely a day goes by that I'm not called into my manager's office and I think this past week may have been the very first week that I didn't cry at my desk or have a meltdown at home due to work shit.

Add to that all the normal stuff that I have on my plate (nurturing old and new relationships, Soroptimists, yoga, piano, music history, appointments, etc) and it has made for a...well...um...chaotic month, to say the least. I went to yoga today to make up for one of the 2 classes I have missed. And I'm very glad that I rolled myself out of bed and into my yoga clothes this morning.

I was awakened in the wee hours of the morning and ended up staying awake for 2 hours thinking. Just thinking. About things that are happening and the people that are in my life right now. I'm big on learning lessons from the good and the not-so-good experiences, as I'm sure you are aware of by now if you've been following me thus far. My thoughts during my brief bout of insomnia last night came up again during yoga. During a particular pose we were asked to give ourselves a little prayer, for whatever it is we need in life right now. Immediately, I knew what I needed. Or I thought I did. I prayed for myself to do more of the things I enjoy doing, to spend time with more of the people I enjoy being around, those things and people that make me happy. I prayed for myself to ACTUALLY ENJOY doing those things, to ACTUALLY ENJOY spending time with the people in my life that mean so much to me. This led me to pray for what I really needed: more patience — more patience with myself and more patience with others. Things can go slow and it will still be okay. Things can be unplanned and it will still be okay. Appreciate the pace of life, no matter what. Appreciate those impromptu moments, no matter what. Put the anxiety and expectations aside and BE THERE. Be there for myself, be there for others.

I give you my word, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere no matter the pace of life. Those of you that are beside me, please know that I am beside you, also. Those of you that haven't left me when I've given ample reason and opportunity for you to leave my side, know that I will not leave you even if you give me ample reason and opportunity to leave. Being able to give my word to those I love and that love me is what brought me to tears at yoga today during my prayer for myself and again during final meditation. So many people have come into my life to give me the gift of patience and I have walked away, whether from impatience, heartbreak or whatever reason. This time, I want to accept the gift of patience and return this gift into all of my relationships, ten-fold. I deserve it and you deserve it.

"Above all be true to yourself. If you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it." - Unknown (tinybuddha.com)

And while you are being true to yourself, here are some yoga poses to try. As always, please consult with a health practitioner before commencing any sort of exercise regime. And don't blame me if you hurt yourself being silly and trying to do yoga poses without proper instruction or forethought.