Thursday, February 20, 2014

Cure for Love

Came across these interesting articles through PsychCentral on New Scientist

Cure for love: Chemical cures for the lovesick
Cure for love: Sex with a mantis ends in dinner

Think we can cure love with drugs, robots and eating our mate? Let me know your thoughts after reading any or all of the articles! LOL! :P

The Strength in Being Vulnerable

Being self-sufficient is important but there are times when you need to let other people help you. That dreaded “f” word – feelings  is important. It's hard to let go when you sense that someone cares for you more than they let on or want to admit to themselves. When someone puts up with my negative moods (medical induced or otherwise) and tries to help me stay out of those negative moods this says a lot about their character. Maybe they do have a lot of scars and are scared to love another person, but we all have scars and we are all scared. The important thing about having scars is to do your best not to let them stop you from showing your love or from being vulnerable, no matter the risk of getting another scar.

There are so many ways that someone can contribute to any relationship. Maybe you don't see all the ways you can contribute or maybe you just see yourself as unable to contribute in a particular way. Speaking from my own personal experience, knowing that I can’t take anyone's pain away makes me feel helpless. Most of the time I recognized that there were (and hopefully still are) other ways that I can offer help. It is those little things that I offer (the ones that someone might laugh at because they think it is cute) - being there for your stubborn ass whether you wanted me to be or not.

At a time when I had given up hope on humanity, you taught me that there are people out there that hold within them the things that I am looking for in a person. You offered me the unconditional love of a friend and support and advice whether my stubborn, moody ass wanted to hear it or not. By sharing your good days and your bad days with me you have shown me the strength in being vulnerable. All of these things in a person are worth more to me than anyone can ever imagine.

If you are trying to hold on tight to something that you need to let go of, ask the other person to be open and honest with you and with themself about how they feel. Wouldn't you rather know the truth, even if it is going to hurt, so that you can move forward, with or without the other person as part of your life? There is strength in being vulnerable and I am more than willing to show my vulnerability in the hopes that others will see it as a strength.

Monday, February 17, 2014

I'm Tired. So Tired.

I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of feeling hurt and lonely.
I'm tired of trying to forget things that I want to remember and keep with me.
I'm tired of pretending so hard to be happy.
I'm tired of my friends not really, truly understanding.
I'm tired of wanting someone to love.
I'm tired of wanting to love myself.
I'm tired of struggling through everyday just to end up having to do it all over again.
I'm tired of doing struggling over and over and over again.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of wanting.
I'm tired of fucking my life away.
I'm tired of trying to drink my pain away.
I'm tired of the things that I used to love not bringing me pleasure.
I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of everything in my head and in my heart.
I'm tired of trying to understand it.
I'm tired of trying to make sense of it.
I'm tired of trying to get over it, to forget it, to leave it behind me.
I'm tired of trying to turn my back and walk away from it.
I'm tired trying to do it all.
I'm tired of feeling I'm not capable.
I'm tired of feeling I'm not strong enough.
I'm tired of not knowing what I want.
I'm tired of losing the fight.
I'm tired of reality.
I'm tired of me.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Guilty of Love

How can one person with so much love to give be missing a special someone in their life to give that love to?

Just Keep Swimming

I feel so tired and just want to sleep all day. So many uncertainties today. I feel depressed and want to cry because I'm so tired - tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling anything at all. Everyone says it will get better and I'm holding onto that as tight as I can. Right now it doesn't feel like it will get better anytime soon but it has to. I want it to. I don't know what to do to help it along or if there is even anything I CAN do to help it along. I just need to trust in the universe and do the things I love to do, the things that make me smile and make me happy. I need to take care of myself, give myself permission to feel what I feel and then let that feeling go.

I feel like I'm full of junk right now. I don't know how to get it out, get rid of it, eliminate it. It's stuck just under the surface of my skin, permeating the air with its stench and affecting everything I feel, say and do - affecting every relationship that I have, poisoning it with a malevolence I've never felt before.

It's more important than ever that I clear this junk before I sabotage everything that means anything to me in this awesome life that I have built for myself. It took a lot of hard work and determination, tears and frustration, to get where I am today. I can't give up now. I need to be strong and persevere. Just keep swimming. I might feel like I'm drowning but I won't. Sometimes I may have to stop to tread water or float on my back but eventually I will free myself from the weeds and set foot in the sand. One step at a time.

I need to remember that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to fill my life with people that respect, love, trust and care about me as I do them. I have so much love to give and some times it hurts but eventually the pain will subside and the time will be right when it won't hurt to love so much. I am the only one that can make myself happy, love myself in times of loneliness. I know that I need to be strong and keep taking steps forward to reach my goals, no matter how big or small those goals, or steps, are.

In the big picture today won't matter. But right now, today DOES matter. it's all I have right now. It might be all I ever have. Make today the best day you can.

Monday, February 3, 2014

10 Choices to Make for a Great 2014

In the hopes of lifting my spirits today I thought I would share something that I received earlier this year from the great folks at Arbonne. Do one this month, or do all 10 this month, or even this week, if you are feeling ambitious!

If you're looking to buy, visit  my friend's Facebook page.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

A Little Disappointing, to Say the Least

Well, Saphris and I couldn't make it work. Which is too bad as I had high hopes for the relationship. I think my psychiatrist did, too. At this point I don't know if there is anything similar that I could try. The purpose was two-fold: to help with sleep and to act as a mood stabilizer. It worked great for the sleep part but seemed to have the total opposite effect on my mood, as I reported in my previous post. I head back to my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks so we will see what the verdict is at that time.

This weekend has been an interesting one as I'm experiencing feelings that I've rarely felt, and these feelings are lasting for a considerable length of time. The first is major anxiety about things that I have rarely had anxiety over previously. Yesterday the simple thought of leaving my house sent me into panic attack with the added bonus of feeling like vomiting on the spot. Good thing I didn't eat anything yesterday...could have been messy. The second is this incessant need to be with another person; the thought of being alone with myself lately has been quite scary. I'm not one to NEED another person around to feel happy or safe but it seems that is what's happening. Friday I had a couple friends over, last night a friend came over and then I went out to watch UFC with another couple of friends. Last night I was already searching for a friend to stay with me for the evening tonight. I don't get it. Why am I scared to be alone? Why do I feel I NEED someone around me at this point in time? 

These new feelings are very confusing and puzzling to me and I don't really know how or where to find an answer. Maybe there isn't an answer. Maybe I will have to look for help from someone with this one. I did receive some great advice and support from a good friend last night regarding a situation that is hurting my heart at this very moment. It's so difficult to be strong and independent, to stand my ground when all I want to do is cave in, throw caution to the wind and seek acceptance and love, even if it's not the kind that will meet me needs and serve me in a positive way.

I'm hoping that my busy week ahead will provide a welcome distraction to these thoughts and feelings for the time being. If they continue, however, I will need to revisit them and look deeper into the abyss of my heart and soul in order to find the root of them. I can't continue like this.  I'm running out of patience (yet again - or maybe still?) and there is only so much cleaning and organizing I can do. Kleenex is running short around here, too.