Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Just Keep Swimming

I feel so tired and just want to sleep all day. So many uncertainties today. I feel depressed and want to cry because I'm so tired - tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling anything at all. Everyone says it will get better and I'm holding onto that as tight as I can. Right now it doesn't feel like it will get better anytime soon but it has to. I want it to. I don't know what to do to help it along or if there is even anything I CAN do to help it along. I just need to trust in the universe and do the things I love to do, the things that make me smile and make me happy. I need to take care of myself, give myself permission to feel what I feel and then let that feeling go.

I feel like I'm full of junk right now. I don't know how to get it out, get rid of it, eliminate it. It's stuck just under the surface of my skin, permeating the air with its stench and affecting everything I feel, say and do - affecting every relationship that I have, poisoning it with a malevolence I've never felt before.

It's more important than ever that I clear this junk before I sabotage everything that means anything to me in this awesome life that I have built for myself. It took a lot of hard work and determination, tears and frustration, to get where I am today. I can't give up now. I need to be strong and persevere. Just keep swimming. I might feel like I'm drowning but I won't. Sometimes I may have to stop to tread water or float on my back but eventually I will free myself from the weeds and set foot in the sand. One step at a time.

I need to remember that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to fill my life with people that respect, love, trust and care about me as I do them. I have so much love to give and some times it hurts but eventually the pain will subside and the time will be right when it won't hurt to love so much. I am the only one that can make myself happy, love myself in times of loneliness. I know that I need to be strong and keep taking steps forward to reach my goals, no matter how big or small those goals, or steps, are.

In the big picture today won't matter. But right now, today DOES matter. it's all I have right now. It might be all I ever have. Make today the best day you can.

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