Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Change is Afoot

The past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster for me as a big (anticipated, yearly) change is coming up.  I am being laid off of work. Now we all know from my previous posts that I don't handle change well.  Even if it is anticipated and has happened before.  Just something about me that I haven't quite mastered yet.  It will come, just like everything else I have worked on.  As long as I don't get distracted....which I just did after that sentence before this one.  Totally forgot what I was doing here. So back to where I was. Change. I only work 9 months of the year (for now), so every Spring I get laid off and every Fall I come back.  I'm hoping to get something full-time eventually but for now, this is nice.  Summers off to realign myself spiritually, physically and mentally while still looking for the job that will pay the bills and keep me happy all year, not just part of the year.

This next change is a biggie. In emailing with a friend I have come across an interesting discovery.  Call it a revelation of sorts?  The trigger of the intense emotions I feel when I am training for running have been discovered.  When I go training I start out good but then after I run/walk for a bit I start to get angry.  I've realized that it's all the voices (distorted thoughts) in my head comparing me to others, telling my I'm fat and lazy and I can't do this so why am I even trying, that I should be at home sleeping or doing something fun that lead to this intense anger. It doesn't matter where I jog or with whom, the distorted thoughts are louder than anything else; it makes me angry. It makes me angry that they are there.  It makes me angry that they are so loud.  And it makes me angry that I can't outrun them...yet.

I'm planning on joining a gym in May, work on my cardio and do some strength training. Maybe I won't be able to reach my goal of being able to jog the whole 5K at the beginning of June but I will finish the race. Then I will keep training for the 5K race in September and see what happens. One step at a time.  Eventually I will not only outrun the demons in my head but I will change how they see me.  Soon I will be no longer be worried about my progress compared to others, I will be more confident than ever in my skin and I will know that I CAN do this!  Just like anything that is worth doing, it will be a struggle and I will have setbacks but I must persevere.  Being able to run 5K is a goal that is important to me and I need to build that into my schedule.  If nothing else, I will have developed a healthy exercise routine so that when I go back to work in August I will have a better lifestyle.

On a side note, there is an interesting blog I've come across by Seth Godin and I find today's entry thought provoking. Enjoy! : )

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Procrastination Leads to Frustration Leads to Anger

April 8/13 Original Date

The past few weeks I've been stuck in a rut.  It took a few days of semi-isolation to come to terms with what has been holding me back.  I reached my boiling point Sunday afternoon.  I have been struggling with getting back to training to run the 5K in June so I have joined a running group on Thursday evenings.  My boyfriend helped me to set up a target for my elliptical training.  Sunday afternoon I was so psyched to get on the elliptical!  I knew what I had to do and I was going to do my best to do it!  My runners were on, my music was ready and I started on the elliptical.  Well 2.5 minutes later I was done.  I had no rhythm, everything hurt and I got mad.  I got frustrated. I got angry.  I, me, one who never gets angry (or seldom, especially THIS level of anger) got angry. At everything that came into my path. The spatula that wouldn't stay on the counter, the dog that wouldn't get out of the way, the remote that wouldn't work.  Yeah you get it.

So I sat down and thought. It came down to a number of things and I'm going to list them because I think they should be listed.  Feel free to skip over the bulleted list if you think you know what's coming.  I won't know so I won't be offended. ; )

  1. I keep myself busy, too busy in fact. My psychiatrist assigned some homework "Why do I feel the need to be busy all the time?"
  2. I don't have time for everything that I want to do (and this - among other reasons - leads to bullet point number 1 above).
  3. I'm often tired and seem to need more sleep than most people (again, this leads to number 1 and 2 above!).
  4. I don't make time for myself, to relax, to do nothing, or to do something that I enjoy doing by myself, for myself.
  5. My weight is increasing slowly and my pants are becoming too tight too fast for my liking.
  6. I don't have the time or energy to exercise.
  7. I don't matter.

This weekend I was feeling really down on myself over all of these things but mostly it was the last one that was nagging me.  I have this really cool App called Unstuck and it walks you through finding a solution (or deeper issue) to why you are "stuck" on something.  Originally I thought that my issue was related directly to not having the time or energy to exercise.  Boy was I wrong.  What came out of the process was that I don't matter.  Talk about a loaded statement.  It just brings more questions, right?

  • Why don't I matter?
  • Who don't I matter to?
  • Does it matter at all if I don't matter?
  • How do I fix this?
  • Where did this come from?

So I did what most people would do these days.  I turned to FaceBook to air my concerns. I reached out to my friends and family for support.  This is what I posted:

Over the past week I have been struggling with some things in my mind. My ego is doubting the positive things that my brain is telling me. I don't ask this often, if at all, of my friends so if you could please help me work this one out I would greatly appreciate it. My brain says that my friends love me no matter what, just as I love them, no matter what. My ego doubts this. My ego doesn't feel safe and she needs your words of love and support to make her feel safe and help her to help me to know that my friends DO love me no matter what. Thank you, my friends.

And what a response I got!  Sometimes you just need to hear or read the words that you know someone feels in their heart but seldom speaks aloud.  My call for help was answered and I knew that I had to make time for me. I knew that it was time to show myself that I DO MATTER to myself and to everyone around me.

My solution began with organizing my "stuff", my physical stuff.  You know, the piles of laundry on the dining table, the piles of paper that need to be sorted into smaller piles and then dealt with one small pile at a time.  So that was what I did.  I sorted and folded, put things in their place.  Putting physical things in their place helps to put emotional and mental things in their place as well, for whatever reason that may be.  In the short-term it will be an uphill with my time management and saying "no" to commitments but I know I will see progress.  I have some free time coming up and am looking forward to doing things that matter to me and that help me to feel that I matter to myself: being productive and working on reaching my goals like running, piano, writing, home improvements, and relaxing. : )  After all, what is life all about if you don't take care of yourself and do things that you love?