Friday, December 28, 2012

Oh what a night

It's unfortunate that it has come to this. Blogging while I'm really drunk. Things suck today. Love isn't real, truth hurts, control is the enemy. But pepperettes, cheese, crackers, beer and wine with good company is the cure for anything that ails the heart. Thank goodness for Apple TV and my music collection tonight,

What's the point of all this, I wonder. Where did I go wrong? Where can I go right? When will I stop seeing double? Oh what a night...

Drunk texting and messaging. Even though I had a friend here. This blows. I want to cry over the love that is in suspension. It hurts to wait. It hurts to want. It hurts to love. It hurts to live somedays. But I'm here, living, breathing, taking it in each day. One day at a time. One step at a time.

One step at a time is difficult. Progress isn't fast and social circles don't move. But I'm working on it. The may be some tears; there may be some frustration; there may be some tantrums. But I'm entitled to that. I've worked hard to get where I am and I won't let anyone take that away from me. I don't need you to help me or be there for me. I would like you to be there for me to support me when I'm having a bad day, when the weather is off, when the fire risk is high. Just as I support you. Sme days I can't do much but I will do all that I can every day to help you. But in return I hope for the same. I have learned not to expect the same.

I hope that you can see me for who I am and what exists inside of me. I only hope for the best for you and everyone around you. No mater who you are or what part you have played in my life.


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Home for the Holidays

I'm glad to be home with my parents for a few days over Christmas, as stressful as I find packing and driving with the dog whining in the back seat most of the 4 hour drive. There's always plenty of food and wine and lots of goodies to go back to the city with me!

I had lots of time to think while I was driving to my childhood home. It's been a rough go of things the past month and a bit. My dad came to visit at the end of November, as my grandma had a doctor appointment. This was shortly after I started feeling down, and I thought that would help me feel better. I ended up feeling very homesick after he left which only accelerated my sinking mood. Then my mom came, also for a doctor appointment. My aunt came with her and it's always fun with those two (even more fun when you add my mom's other sister!) but that didn't seem to lift my mood either.

Following this, my partner and I had some problems that we couldn't resolve. We mutually agreed that we can't be the emotionally support that each other needs in a partner at this point in our lives. I have my plateful and he has his plateful. Maybe we can go for dessert after we have cleaned our plates? I had a difficult time getting through the week after that conversation without having some seriously dark thoughts. I scared myself so i wont share them here. I was reminded of my struggle in high school. Yes, over a boy. Why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable and love so easily? Love is free but I don't seem to be getting back what I put out there. But I keep doin' it.

It's hard to leave the emotional attachment behind and to imagine life without someone who, despite the bad times, lifted me up so high in the good times. I don't want to go back to a life without him. The bad times are worth it and the bad times should be happening less and less if he is making progress with clearing his plate. And if I'm making progress clearing my plate also...

I've been thinking hard about the past 2 months and wondering what is changing/has changed to lead me down this slippery slope. A few weeks ago i started yoga. Last week I started running again. My goal is once a week right now. I'm also on an additional medication, Wellbutrin at noon, on top of my Effexor in the morning and Ativan as needed. I'm attending a group session that runs for 12 weeks; we are learning about mindfulness. Meanwhile I've been mindless: losing things, locking myself out of the house, forgetting where my friends live, etc. It was so bad I was actually worried about the 4 hour drive this weekend. I had to tell myself not to read the green signs as those signs made my mind wander. White and yellow signs, you know the road, where you need to turn and all that. No need to read the green signs. I lost my composure a few times and my eyes teared up, on the verge of a meltdown. I made it through, though. Maybe I've been eating too many sugary foods? I don't know...but that box of Whoppers was delicious yesterday.

I also realized it has been almost a year since I started my blog. In the new year I will be reflecting on the past year and sharing those thoughts. I'm glad you have stuck with me this far and I hope I've added something positive to your life. And if you don't know me, maybe one day you will. :) Have a safe and happy holiday season and be grateful for everything and everyone that you have in your life. Today, tomorrow and always. Namaste.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Patience, Love and Kindness

Lately, I have been receiving numerous emails with a common theme: one must love oneself before one can be open to accepting the love of others. I find this concept very interesting as it took me some time to learn this before others were spouting it. Had I just been patient, I'm sure someone could have handed me the answer I was so desperately searching for. But I searched on my own. I found patience, love and kindness from many others. These folks who have been so giving unto me have taught me many things about life. Kindness goes a long way. Patience is not just a virtue, it is a wonderful character trait that kindhearted people filled with love also have.

I love to love. I love to be kind. I like to think I have an insurmountable and never ending supply of patience. But my patience is running out. It is running out because I am being hurt by all the kindness, love and patience that I give. When is it enough? When do I walk away from the love and end my patience? It is two sides to the same coin. I must choose a side. I must choose the side that protects me without hurting the other party. I must live my life within reasonable boundaries. I cannot live my life within someone else's boundaries. I cannot be controlled and still be the same happy, loving, patient, kind person that I naturally am.

Breaking the chains of love is hard. It involves patience, but also courage. It involves kindness but also strength. It involves love: love of oneself and love of others. Be patient but be strong. Be kind but be courageous. Be respectful of your needs and the needs of others. Break the chains of love with care and they can be mended. Move forward and learn from your past successes and failures. These will be the building blocks for a house of love, with paving stones of kindness and patience.

We cannot be immune to heartbreak but we can grow stronger from each interaction. The emotions that heartbreak awakens in us are real and are crying out for attention, to be listened to, to be healed. Heal yourself by cutting out the negativity in your life. This may be negativity in your head, in your heart, in your house, in your relationships. The bright side is never far away but sometimes the journey to get there is long and arduous. Prepare yourself each time so that you will come out stronger than when you went in. It will be ok. It will always be ok. It always has been ok.

My love to all of you