Thursday, January 30, 2014

I Love You, Saphris. But Right Now I Don't Like You.

So it's day 10 on an additional medication. Saphris is the name, mood stabilizer is the game. AND I AM NOT LIKING THIS MF GAME!!!!!!! It is helping me sleep and it's supposed to help level out my moods but for now it's really messing me up. Last Thursday night I felt like I was on speed. Monday night I broke down crying for an hour. I think it was the most intense meltdown I've ever had and then just like that it was over. And I was fine. W...T...F?!?!?!

By about 2 in the afternoon I have Antsy Pants. I can't sit still. My feet twitch and itch and my butt wriggles in my office chair like I'm a 4 year old that has to go pee.  Last Thursday I adjusted every setting on my chair that could be adjusted and it still wasn't right. Then that evening I couldn't sit still at home.  I went from angry to frustrated to depressed to just plain sad and then totally mellowed a matter of 4 hours. I have a pedometer and my daily goal is 6000 steps. Normally I have to put in a 5KM walk after a day of work to reach or exceed that goal. Thursday no walk needed. I reached 5890 steps because of my fidgeting and restlessness. But it annoyed me. And it annoyed my friends, I'm sure of it. And it's still annoying them.

Tonight I was at yoga during final meditation the tears were streaming down my face. It's a good thing everyone has their eyes closed and that I wasn't sniffling. I laughed to myself. What's going on? I don't get it. How long is this going to last? My Antsy Pants are itching me and the tears are a tragedy that never really happened. I'm not getting enough hugs but don't get too close. I'm leaking like a.....what the hell good is if no one answers the question?

On the plus side I've practiced piano more diligently and more focussed than I have in the past couple of years. Is it worth it? When I put the pill to sleep under my tongue, my tongue goes numb. My head spins when I open my eyes in the morning and I wait.....wait....wait for the world to stop and let me off. Yesterday I missed work because the world didn't stop to let me off. Today I almost fell out of my chair a few times. And that was before the wine. I need a shower and a really good cry to wash the tears away so I can start fresh and maybe try to fix the things I've bludgeoned to an almost irreparable state on my way through this enigmatic labyrinth that is my life right now. I can't find the centre because I don't know where to look. I can't find the exit because my mind has gone berserk.

Jump around my favourite heart to break. Left and leaving tonight, tonight. Superhero what I wouldn't do. I don't feel like dancing better luck next time. Just like a pill, gouge away, bury me with it, the good times are killing me.

Find all the song names and win a prize!

I've lost my prize. I walked away. He cheered me on but I interrupted him. Maybe I made a mistake and should have waited, listened to what he had to say, when he was ready. Waited...

Wednesday, January 29, 2014


smash it
just like that
just how
you did it
it didn't hurt
it's ok
i can handle it
i put
everything in
and when
the bottom
falls right out
everything in
smashes out
right there
right where
you left me

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Looking Forward in 2014

With the New Year comes resolution. The theme I'm noticing with 2014 is Gratitude. I learned the practice of Gratitude in 2013 but it never hurts to continue practising something that you already know; it keeps you in shape, right? :)

As far as resolutions go I was never one to commit to any one thing for too long. Sometimes I get bored with what I'm doing. Sometimes I have a bad day and feel like I can't accomplish anything so why bother trying? I give up. I throw in the towel (and anything else that was close at hand at one point in my life) and feel like I have to start from the very beginning again. But that's not a very rational thought. I have been getting better at keepin' on keeping on but it's been a struggle. If you experience this same cycle check out these tips from Unstuck on reaching your goals.

In 2014 I resolve to Focus. I resolve to focus on what is important to me, what makes me happy, and what I want to achieve. Rah rah! Go me!

Um...wait a second, you. That's great that you are so excited and happy to Focus but there's some work to do here.

What is important to you?
What makes you happy?
What do you want to achieve? 

Maybe I will start there and figure that out first. This is going to be more difficult than I thought...

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Great Expectations

Apparently it is too much for me to expect to have two nights of peaceful, restful, tranquil slumber in a row. I'm running on empty right now so I took tonight to catch up on my online reading. One of the many pages on my "To Read" list tonight was an article from titled Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations.

The writer discusses coming to peace with a relationship in whatever form or type it takes. A constant lesson that comes my way is regarding expectations. I have high expectations of myself and, of course, high expectations of others. These often unrealistic expectations have caused me more than grief throughout my life, as my earlier posts indicate. I often end up believing that the lesson to be learned is to not expect anything, then there is never any disappointment. I cannot accept that outcome! It sounds and feels so pessimistic to me. So I return to having high expectations which begins the cycle anew.

Recently I have had this lesson come to me once again. After all, the Universe will continue to assign you the lesson until you learn it. And dammit all, I'm going to learn it this time! After all, I have high expectations of myself and want to score 100% on this exam. Just kidding. That's unrealistic of me to expect that, silly me!

As the article says, we cannot assume anything. Relationships of any kind take time. It is up to each individual to nurture their side of the relationship and be patient while the other does the same. Through this new friendship I am learning a valuable lesson in patience. Ego is not taking kindly to it. Ego is working hard to protect me but is actually causing a lot of pain, suffering and anguish within me. I know the TRUE answers to Ego's questions but that tiny seed of uncertainty grows exponentially when Ego becomes involved. That tiny seed of uncertainty almost instantly bursts forth into a tangled, gnarled, thorny mess of a green monster and claws at me from the inside out.

Last week I lost control of Ego and that ugly green mess of a monster inside tore me up good. I became insecure, uncertain, depressed, upset, agitated and began questioning everything that only a few days earlier I was sure of. Stupid monster. Go back where you came from. You aren't of any use to me this way. You only hurt me and when you have settled down I'm the one that looks silly. I am left feeling silly, ashamed, embarrassed, and defeated, my dignity shredded by your razor sharp thorns.

It really would have been nice had I read this piece on disappointment and letting go of expectations earlier than tonight. That meltdown last week wouldn't have been so hard to handle. However, reading over these 5 steps and looking back on my experience I can see how I let Ego lead the way. Let's review.

  1. Be aware of reality. Yeah I totally dropped the ball on that one. My only reality at that time was the nonsensical negative self-talk that was running through my head at mach 1 million (what is the highest mach speed anyways?). I really should have some speed bumps installed in there.
  2. Stop manipulating situations. Me, manipulate the situation? In all my stubbornness and self-loathing I didn't (and often don't) see it as manipulating the situation. Instead I see it as "Hah! That will show you!" when in reality the other person doesn't even notice what I did to "show them." If I was watching myself dot his, I would be shaking my head and rolling my eyes, like you do in a horror movie when someone hears a noise and goes outside to check it out. You know what's going to happen. Nothin' but bad stuff.
  3. Let go. This one is the money shot. Let go of expectations, get rid of that defective crystal ball, stop predicting "what if" and just be here, now, today, right here in this moment. Enjoy it for what it is because it is good even if it's not what you expected. And this...this lesson is definitely not what I expected, on so many levels!
  4. Focus on those who love you. This is sort of where I stumble when I look back at this particular, um, moment of lapse of reason, shall we say? I had just spent a lot of time being thankful and appreciative of those who love me but somehow something dark slipped through this armour and sent me spiralling into that black hole of yucky stuff. I will have to bring in reinforcements going forward.
  5. Learn to love yourself. Uh, yeah! What am I always blabbing on about to others? You have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. No person, place or thing or material object can fill the void. It's unrealistic to expect someone else to make you happy. Happiness and love come from within, not from without so learn to fill that void within you on your own. After that everything else is icing on the cake, my friends! Mmmm....icing...mmmmm...cake....
And with that I wish you sweet dreams filled with love and cake and icing! Be well.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Mom, I Dreamed of You

I decided to look up what my recurring dreams mean and I found some interesting ideas. Now, to set aside some time to determine what applies and what doesn't. I'm always thinking but it seems I'm thinking about the less important things (i.e. things I can't control) instead of the things that matter most to me. 


The mother appearing in a dream signifies how you were taught to express your feelings and sensitivity. While dreaming of the mother can portray how you are adopting or rejecting various aspects that are associated with her, she can also symbolize your ability to mother yourself.


A person who can process anger easily will feel anxiety in a dream, but not anger. If you are clearly angry in your dream, then look for how you might be repressing anger in daily life. This is an emotion, which we learn early to repress, and each of us processes anger in different ways. Therefore, you may dream about other characters acting with anger against you. This is the only way the person ‘who is never angry’ will have of processing and integrating this ‘unpleasant’ emotion. A ferocious animal attacking you is a clear example of how anger is portrayed in a dream. Since you cannot own the emotion during the day, you experience it as something ‘wild and uncontrollable’ attacking you in the dream.


One of the most important aspects of dreaming is how they make you feel. Often dream imagery gets more frightening in proportion to your inability to face something. The message is not so much about danger, but that some aspect of the mind seeks expression. The more you are unwilling to allow it - the 'louder' it speaks. Dreams affect us in the same unspoken way as going to the movies. Their purpose is to dislodge the status quo so that we can be more responsive to how life is shaping us. Dreaming of an inability to feel brings this issue forward because you may not realize how cut off you are from your feelings.


All of the characters appearing in your dream represent evolving or transforming aspects of you. What can make dream interpretation confusing is the inability to understand how dreaming of others allows you to explore the traits you associate with them. Your ideas, beliefs and areas undergoing transformation will be mirrored by the characters you dream about. When you look at the dream as a plot where all of the characters are representing you, look beyond the character and ask: what word would I use to describe this person? How might this person be representing a side of myself that I might be failing to understand or express?

People from the past can represent you at that point in life, and family members usually appear in a dream that is helping you to understand how a current crisis was created through personal dynamics of childhood.


Dreams of family members are very common, although they are still generally a reflection of how you explore the qualities of others to learn more about your potential.. Dreams of this type often take place after an experience that has left you wondering about your personal dynamics.

Dreams are often portrayed in cycles of three, where one dreamscape morphs into two other settings. The first part of the dream suggests the crisis at hand, while the second part of the dream often includes family members as a way of exploring early dynamics that were inherited, and may need to be released. The third part is usually the most bizarre, offering clues to your transformational process. You wake up and dismiss the peculiar when this is the most relevant part of the dream. The psyche seeks to break through in any way it can. The things you find most difficult to face will appear in symbolism that leaves you puzzled. Family dynamics that you have inherited offer an enormous pallet of symbols for transformation as you move forward to discover your real identity.

Natural selection drives divergence in character because the more diversified we are, the better will be our chance for survival. Even family members within a particular species are endowed with variations. This ensures that competition for short supply in a shared environment is minimized. The family can be a source of support, even while their dynamics shape you like water shapes a stone. In the contrast of your differences, they often reveal your deeper color. You simply stand in the present as life’s best example of one variation of the line you carry forward.

The characters that appear in dreams are always portraying aspects of you. Siblings can personify your competitiveness or aspects that you associate with them, while parents suggest motherly and fatherly traits within you.

Dream Processing

You spend one third of your life, the same amount of time dedicated toward your career, exploring existence in a topsy-turvy world of dreams and symbols. As if you have entered a world of mirrors, all that you encounter becomes a reflection of you. Taking the time to understand your dreams allows you to take ownership of your life. When you are facing crisis, dreams reveal the way ahead, activating self-knowledge and direction in life.

Since the time of Freud and Jung, enormous data and research has validated the patterns they wrote about that reveal how dreams demonstrate an organizing force within the psyche. Recurring dreams are a message that you are not 'getting' some type of message. Once the dream is understood and the message applied toward making changes in your life, the dream does not recur and the dreamlife moves on to the next step in your development. The more this input is ignored, the more aggressive and conflicted dreams become. Dreaming allows you to test your development while avoiding the real life crisis that can ensue from being off track to whatever destiny has in store for you.

The subconscious mind breaks through all barriers to provide this profound direction to the dreamer. As if some aspect of the brain has an understanding that transcends a sense of time and self-awareness, dreams function like another sensory organ that allows for the exploration of potential.
Since you rehash daily events in your dreams, you probably fail to see the special nuances that make the dream different from what you experienced. However, research shows that the mind is processing this information specifically because it may have impacted you in ways that you failed to recognize. When the opportunity to transform comes up against the walls of your beliefs, self-awareness still finds productive ways of breaking through. This process of self-enlightenment can be heightened when you take an active approach in understanding your dreams.

Freud called dreaming ‘a peculiar form of thinking.’ He suggested that dreams only appeared cryptic as a way to allow transformative information beyond the walls of defense mechanisms active while we are awake. Dreams allow us to understand existence from a broader perspective and Jung understood dreams as the compensation mechanism that balances the one-sided awareness of the ego. Dreaming takes place in a part of the brain that developed before language and therefore, communicates in images. Acting as the Mind’s Mirror, they offer an objective view of who you are, and hold the clues to your unacknowledged desires and potential.

The challenge you may face in understanding the language of dreams is in recognizing that everything that appears in the dream is a reflection of you. Characters portray unacknowledged aspects that you associate with them. Even the landscape, mood and objects will conjure up personal meaning designed to affect you in the same unspoken way that art and cinematic drama can move you.

Dreams provide a point of view that is unique and strange, but more importantly, can move you emotionally and inexplicably toward a change in perspective. Therefore, while you may not remember your dreams, they are changing you in profound ways. Since they usually reveal the exact opposite of what you believe to be true about yourself, understanding the language of the dreams will offer you an indispensable tool in harnessing the power of self-awareness.

Dream Processing
  • Prior to sleep, make a conscious decision to remember your dreams and ask for guidance. This actually improves your ability to remember a dream.
  • A healthy and balanced diet in addition to a regular sleep routine will improve dream recall.
  • Have a notebook or tape recorder next to your bed to immediately record the dream.
  • Since dream imagery takes place in a different part of the brain, you will notice how allowing your thoughts of the day to intrude will make accessing dream content more difficult. Train yourself to stay with the dream, prior to thinking about what you need to do that day. If nothing else, capture the sense of emotion that the dream invoked, and use that as a thread to allow the dream imagery to return.
  • Write down as many details as you can remember. It is not important to catch every aspect because many portions of the dreamscape will reveal the same message in several different ways. Start slowly, capturing the mood, landscape, and as many details as you can recall. The dreamscape lends itself well to association so even if you are not sure of the accuracy of the symbolism, in the beginning you can use whatever words or images come to mind. This will allow you to start recognizing the profound input that always emerges from within.
  • Once you are able to easily recall your dreams, start looking for the less obvious symbols, like time of day, lighting, colors and numbers.
  • You dream of the type of things that consciousness would rather keep ‘below the surface.’ Do not become frustrated when you are unable to recall the content. If accessing this information were easy, it wouldn't be the subject of your dream. Sometimes finding the appropriate words appears difficult, so try drawing images. Explore the ‘flavor’ of your dream and the feelings it created.
  • The most important part of dream processing is the practice of recording information before your mind moves to analyze it. Approaching the content as objectively as possible to record the details will allow you to analyze it later. Even while it may appear nonsensical to you, discussing the content with a friend or partner can sometimes help you to understand it.
  • Remember that the subconscious speaks ‘cryptically,’ specifically to allow repressed information to come forward so record everything.
  • Assume that the dream knows more than you do. Gather the imagery and symbols and let the dream become your guide. The dream is trying to offer a fresh perspective about what you are failing to acknowledge in your daily experiences. Once the dream’s message begins to unfold, try to apply it toward the situations that you face.
  • Those aspects of the dream that appear the most bizarre will in time, provide the most profound clues about your identity and destiny.

Analyzing the Dream
Approach the symbolism objectively and identify the setting, characters, symbols and theme of the activity. It will usually take a series of dreams before you begin to see how conflict and its resolution are being described by your unique associations. Since the story is unique to you, the symbolism will also be personal, although the Dream Dictionary can lead you in the general direction.

Trust that the information is relevant and is being revealed to you in the only way it can be expressed. The dream may appear just beyond the grasp of your memory. You can begin to observe how concrete belief structures ward off this emerging information. You dream from a more fluid awareness, and must use a similar free flowing consciousness when retrieving the content.

Explore the dream in pieces: a) I was in a car that drove off a bridge; b) I was at a train station with a strange man and forgot my baggage; c) There were several children playing in a garden where I walked through a door into strange house. All of these symbols describe essential elements of where you stand in relation to your growth. The car describes your ‘drive to move forward’ or motivation. The train station is a place of growth that shows your desire to go somewhere new or transform. The unknown characters represent unrecognized aspects of you. The strange man can be the idea of unrecognized 'masculine' traits, like being assertive or moving toward independence. The children can portray young or emerging sides of you, which are also represented by the unknown house. Forgetting baggage or 'the things' you carry with you is a common theme from the aspect of growth. The other symbolism will reveal how you are approaching change and what is necessary to move forward.

Without pre-judging the content, write it down immediately. Look at the words individually and objectively. You will see that in most cases, they are saying the exact opposite of what you believe to be true about yourself.

In dreams, all symbols have relevance, no matter how ridiculous they may appear. Besides things, look for colors, time of day and numbers.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Sweet Dreams Are Not Made of Anger

As of late I've been having problems sleeping (well, more problems than usual). When I can sleep, my sleep is broken and filled with bad dreams and nightmares, usually about my mom and I arguing or me feeling angry at her with something she has done or who knows what. It's more than slightly disconcerting as I feel that my mom and I have a great relationship; I know that I can talk to her about anything that is on my mind. It puzzles me where this anger is coming from and why it is directed at her in my dreams.

I have felt quite angry at the world the past few days and it has put me in a rotten mood. My attitude has been horrible and my outlook on life and hope for the future has been bleak. It's just a big FTW kinda time I'm having right now. I do go through this periodically but can never recall what it is that made me see red in the first place or how I got so caught up in the emotion, never mind remembering how I got myself out of it the last time. I suppose it will be just like getting out of every funk I get into. Sit down with me, myself and I and have a heart to heart, get us all talking and share some secrets with each other. Subconsciously SOMETHING is bothering me and after taking stock this weekend in knowing and appreciating all those who love me and care for me it seems odd that such an angry mood would follow.

I left work yesterday afternoon and even though I don't want to go to work today I am heading in for noon. I want to stay home, isolated and alone yet at the same time I want to be with my friends, laugh and feel good about things. I have chores to get done around the house and my list is becoming daunting, but one step at a time. That's all I need to remember. Such an easy thing to remember, such a difficult thing to do.

I think that work is a part of my anger; a few unresolved issues that I am not in control of are bothering me.  I'm hoping that they will be resolved soon because they have been sitting on the shelf for far too long as it is. I definitely feel a lack of control around things at work right now. My concentration, patience and tolerance levels are all low so that is making it difficult to get the things done that I can control. Let me rephrase that first sentence of this paragraph: I know that work is a part of my anger...

Overall I just want to feel appreciated and like I matter in life and in love. On my good days, I know this without a doubt. When I'm filled with sadness or anger, I'm also filled with doubt and self-loathing. I go over my past actions with a fine tooth comb and compare them to my values and morals and I pick out the things that aren't quite in line with my heart and I tear myself apart. I have no regrets in my life; yeah I've made some not-so-good choices here and there, but I've also made some really great choices that have brought me to where I am (negative mood aside).

Just going over the list of things in my mind right now I can see where the problem is, or problems are in this case. I am experiencing emotional unrest in the following categories:

Hobbies and Interests
Life, in general

So yeah, I feel angry. I've been irresponsible with, irrational about, unfocused on, displeased with, distracted by, bored with and/or too exhausted to care about any or all of the above. So yeah, that would make me feel angry...and sad...and disappointed in myself. fix it. (Me thinks me has a long, winding road ahead of me the rest of this week.)

I wonder what's at the top?

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Looking Back on 2013

As I lay in bed this morning scrolling through the oodles of updates from my friends and information (important or otherwise) from the many "Likes" I've committed to, a thought came to me. I wondered how many people, in reviewing their accomplishments, tribulations, and events of the past year actually go back to their social media sites to look back on everything that they have posted, shared, liked, commented on, etc.

I thought about this for some time and ended up saying to myself "Self, if only we had time to do that at the end/beginning of every year." And then I realized how not present in the moment I was for most of those shares and likes. The only social media I use is Facebook. As you know from my earlier blog entries, I often take a break from the social media world. Lately, though, I have taken a new look at things that social media offers us, in the positive light. There are always wonderful pictures, inspirational sayings and, as in the bookstore, self-help tools are plentiful! To me, the importance of these facets of Facebook, and other social media sites, is that the item I'm about to share, like or comment on resonates with me. In a positive way.

That being said, in my reflection of 2013 and happening across the following quote, I realized many things.

When I think of all the times the sun has shone and all the times the storm has brewed, broken and passed, just in 2013, I am grateful for my friends and family that have stood beside me, supported me, and (more times than I care to admit to myself) picked me up and helped me put myself back together. Just writing this and thinking about the love that everyone I know and care for feels for me makes me cry. It makes me SO happy to know that there is so much love out there, even though it often feels or seems like the world is filled with so many other distasteful actions, words and/or feelings.

There are so many people out there that can change the world, change lives, change one life, even! And all it takes is love. It is through the people that I have crossed paths with throughout my life that I have learned this and so much more.

Love DOES conquer all.
Love IS forgiving.
Love IS kind.
Love DOES NOT judge or criticize.
Love IS blind.

I don't want to just feel love. 
I want to BE love.


Thank you for being the reason that I smile today.

If you would like a smile today please check out the playlist I made on YouTube today. It is a reminder of the humanity that still exists in the world today. Love to all, Namaste.