Great Expectations

Apparently it is too much for me to expect to have two nights of peaceful, restful, tranquil slumber in a row. I'm running on empty right now so I took tonight to catch up on my online reading. One of the many pages on my "To Read" list tonight was an article from tinybuddha.com titled Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations.

The writer discusses coming to peace with a relationship in whatever form or type it takes. A constant lesson that comes my way is regarding expectations. I have high expectations of myself and, of course, high expectations of others. These often unrealistic expectations have caused me more than grief throughout my life, as my earlier posts indicate. I often end up believing that the lesson to be learned is to not expect anything, then there is never any disappointment. I cannot accept that outcome! It sounds and feels so pessimistic to me. So I return to having high expectations which begins the cycle anew.

Recently I have had this lesson come to me once again. After all, the Universe will continue to assign you the lesson until you learn it. And dammit all, I'm going to learn it this time! After all, I have high expectations of myself and want to score 100% on this exam. Just kidding. That's unrealistic of me to expect that, silly me!

As the article says, we cannot assume anything. Relationships of any kind take time. It is up to each individual to nurture their side of the relationship and be patient while the other does the same. Through this new friendship I am learning a valuable lesson in patience. Ego is not taking kindly to it. Ego is working hard to protect me but is actually causing a lot of pain, suffering and anguish within me. I know the TRUE answers to Ego's questions but that tiny seed of uncertainty grows exponentially when Ego becomes involved. That tiny seed of uncertainty almost instantly bursts forth into a tangled, gnarled, thorny mess of a green monster and claws at me from the inside out.

Last week I lost control of Ego and that ugly green mess of a monster inside tore me up good. I became insecure, uncertain, depressed, upset, agitated and began questioning everything that only a few days earlier I was sure of. Stupid monster. Go back where you came from. You aren't of any use to me this way. You only hurt me and when you have settled down I'm the one that looks silly. I am left feeling silly, ashamed, embarrassed, and defeated, my dignity shredded by your razor sharp thorns.

It really would have been nice had I read this piece on disappointment and letting go of expectations earlier than tonight. That meltdown last week wouldn't have been so hard to handle. However, reading over these 5 steps and looking back on my experience I can see how I let Ego lead the way. Let's review.

1. Be aware of reality. Yeah I totally dropped the ball on that one. My only reality at that time was the nonsensical negative self-talk that was running through my head at mach 1 million (what is the highest mach speed anyways?). I really should have some speed bumps installed in there.
2. Stop manipulating situations. Me, manipulate the situation? In all my stubbornness and self-loathing I didn't (and often don't) see it as manipulating the situation. Instead I see it as "Hah! That will show you!" when in reality the other person doesn't even notice what I did to "show them." If I was watching myself dot his, I would be shaking my head and rolling my eyes, like you do in a horror movie when someone hears a noise and goes outside to check it out. You know what's going to happen. Nothin' but bad stuff.
3. Let go. This one is the money shot. Let go of expectations, get rid of that defective crystal ball, stop predicting "what if" and just be here, now, today, right here in this moment. Enjoy it for what it is because it is good even if it's not what you expected. And this...this lesson is definitely not what I expected, on so many levels!
4. Focus on those who love you. This is sort of where I stumble when I look back at this particular, um, moment of lapse of reason, shall we say? I had just spent a lot of time being thankful and appreciative of those who love me but somehow something dark slipped through this armour and sent me spiralling into that black hole of yucky stuff. I will have to bring in reinforcements going forward.
5. Learn to love yourself. Uh, yeah! What am I always blabbing on about to others? You have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. No person, place or thing or material object can fill the void. It's unrealistic to expect someone else to make you happy. Happiness and love come from within, not from without so learn to fill that void within you on your own. After that everything else is icing on the cake, my friends! Mmmm....icing...mmmmm...cake....

And with that I wish you sweet dreams filled with love and cake and icing! Be well.