Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Sweet Dreams Are Not Made of Anger

As of late I've been having problems sleeping (well, more problems than usual). When I can sleep, my sleep is broken and filled with bad dreams and nightmares, usually about my mom and I arguing or me feeling angry at her with something she has done or who knows what. It's more than slightly disconcerting as I feel that my mom and I have a great relationship; I know that I can talk to her about anything that is on my mind. It puzzles me where this anger is coming from and why it is directed at her in my dreams.

I have felt quite angry at the world the past few days and it has put me in a rotten mood. My attitude has been horrible and my outlook on life and hope for the future has been bleak. It's just a big FTW kinda time I'm having right now. I do go through this periodically but can never recall what it is that made me see red in the first place or how I got so caught up in the emotion, never mind remembering how I got myself out of it the last time. I suppose it will be just like getting out of every funk I get into. Sit down with me, myself and I and have a heart to heart, get us all talking and share some secrets with each other. Subconsciously SOMETHING is bothering me and after taking stock this weekend in knowing and appreciating all those who love me and care for me it seems odd that such an angry mood would follow.

I left work yesterday afternoon and even though I don't want to go to work today I am heading in for noon. I want to stay home, isolated and alone yet at the same time I want to be with my friends, laugh and feel good about things. I have chores to get done around the house and my list is becoming daunting, but one step at a time. That's all I need to remember. Such an easy thing to remember, such a difficult thing to do.

I think that work is a part of my anger; a few unresolved issues that I am not in control of are bothering me.  I'm hoping that they will be resolved soon because they have been sitting on the shelf for far too long as it is. I definitely feel a lack of control around things at work right now. My concentration, patience and tolerance levels are all low so that is making it difficult to get the things done that I can control. Let me rephrase that first sentence of this paragraph: I know that work is a part of my anger...

Overall I just want to feel appreciated and like I matter in life and in love. On my good days, I know this without a doubt. When I'm filled with sadness or anger, I'm also filled with doubt and self-loathing. I go over my past actions with a fine tooth comb and compare them to my values and morals and I pick out the things that aren't quite in line with my heart and I tear myself apart. I have no regrets in my life; yeah I've made some not-so-good choices here and there, but I've also made some really great choices that have brought me to where I am (negative mood aside).

Just going over the list of things in my mind right now I can see where the problem is, or problems are in this case. I am experiencing emotional unrest in the following categories:

Hobbies and Interests
Life, in general

So yeah, I feel angry. I've been irresponsible with, irrational about, unfocused on, displeased with, distracted by, bored with and/or too exhausted to care about any or all of the above. So yeah, that would make me feel angry...and sad...and disappointed in myself. fix it. (Me thinks me has a long, winding road ahead of me the rest of this week.)

I wonder what's at the top?

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