Thursday, January 30, 2014

I Love You, Saphris. But Right Now I Don't Like You.

So it's day 10 on an additional medication. Saphris is the name, mood stabilizer is the game. AND I AM NOT LIKING THIS MF GAME!!!!!!! It is helping me sleep and it's supposed to help level out my moods but for now it's really messing me up. Last Thursday night I felt like I was on speed. Monday night I broke down crying for an hour. I think it was the most intense meltdown I've ever had and then just like that it was over. And I was fine. W...T...F?!?!?!

By about 2 in the afternoon I have Antsy Pants. I can't sit still. My feet twitch and itch and my butt wriggles in my office chair like I'm a 4 year old that has to go pee.  Last Thursday I adjusted every setting on my chair that could be adjusted and it still wasn't right. Then that evening I couldn't sit still at home.  I went from angry to frustrated to depressed to just plain sad and then totally mellowed a matter of 4 hours. I have a pedometer and my daily goal is 6000 steps. Normally I have to put in a 5KM walk after a day of work to reach or exceed that goal. Thursday no walk needed. I reached 5890 steps because of my fidgeting and restlessness. But it annoyed me. And it annoyed my friends, I'm sure of it. And it's still annoying them.

Tonight I was at yoga during final meditation the tears were streaming down my face. It's a good thing everyone has their eyes closed and that I wasn't sniffling. I laughed to myself. What's going on? I don't get it. How long is this going to last? My Antsy Pants are itching me and the tears are a tragedy that never really happened. I'm not getting enough hugs but don't get too close. I'm leaking like a.....what the hell good is if no one answers the question?

On the plus side I've practiced piano more diligently and more focussed than I have in the past couple of years. Is it worth it? When I put the pill to sleep under my tongue, my tongue goes numb. My head spins when I open my eyes in the morning and I wait.....wait....wait for the world to stop and let me off. Yesterday I missed work because the world didn't stop to let me off. Today I almost fell out of my chair a few times. And that was before the wine. I need a shower and a really good cry to wash the tears away so I can start fresh and maybe try to fix the things I've bludgeoned to an almost irreparable state on my way through this enigmatic labyrinth that is my life right now. I can't find the centre because I don't know where to look. I can't find the exit because my mind has gone berserk.

Jump around my favourite heart to break. Left and leaving tonight, tonight. Superhero what I wouldn't do. I don't feel like dancing better luck next time. Just like a pill, gouge away, bury me with it, the good times are killing me.

Find all the song names and win a prize!

I've lost my prize. I walked away. He cheered me on but I interrupted him. Maybe I made a mistake and should have waited, listened to what he had to say, when he was ready. Waited...

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