Sunday, February 2, 2014

A Little Disappointing, to Say the Least

Well, Saphris and I couldn't make it work. Which is too bad as I had high hopes for the relationship. I think my psychiatrist did, too. At this point I don't know if there is anything similar that I could try. The purpose was two-fold: to help with sleep and to act as a mood stabilizer. It worked great for the sleep part but seemed to have the total opposite effect on my mood, as I reported in my previous post. I head back to my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks so we will see what the verdict is at that time.

This weekend has been an interesting one as I'm experiencing feelings that I've rarely felt, and these feelings are lasting for a considerable length of time. The first is major anxiety about things that I have rarely had anxiety over previously. Yesterday the simple thought of leaving my house sent me into panic attack with the added bonus of feeling like vomiting on the spot. Good thing I didn't eat anything yesterday...could have been messy. The second is this incessant need to be with another person; the thought of being alone with myself lately has been quite scary. I'm not one to NEED another person around to feel happy or safe but it seems that is what's happening. Friday I had a couple friends over, last night a friend came over and then I went out to watch UFC with another couple of friends. Last night I was already searching for a friend to stay with me for the evening tonight. I don't get it. Why am I scared to be alone? Why do I feel I NEED someone around me at this point in time? 

These new feelings are very confusing and puzzling to me and I don't really know how or where to find an answer. Maybe there isn't an answer. Maybe I will have to look for help from someone with this one. I did receive some great advice and support from a good friend last night regarding a situation that is hurting my heart at this very moment. It's so difficult to be strong and independent, to stand my ground when all I want to do is cave in, throw caution to the wind and seek acceptance and love, even if it's not the kind that will meet me needs and serve me in a positive way.

I'm hoping that my busy week ahead will provide a welcome distraction to these thoughts and feelings for the time being. If they continue, however, I will need to revisit them and look deeper into the abyss of my heart and soul in order to find the root of them. I can't continue like this.  I'm running out of patience (yet again - or maybe still?) and there is only so much cleaning and organizing I can do. Kleenex is running short around here, too.

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