Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Waves of Change

The past month and a bit I've been dealing with a lot of changes. Nothing major in itself but combined it all seems pretty major to me. In the past 45 days I've started back to work, embarked on a new relationship and started participation in another group with the Mental Health Outpatient Program. I've also been on a serious job search. But wait, you are probably thinking, I have a job. That's true. I do have a job. A comfortable one with health benefits, an understanding boss and, for the most part, great co-workers. Unfortunately the seasonal aspect of my position allows for great turmoil prior to, during and upon returning from my leave. It is this turmoil that leads me into a depression, feeling hopeless and without aim for not only the 3 months that I am laid off work, but also for the month before I leave and after I return.

As much as I don't like routine, I seem to be the type of person that requires routine. Yet I can't stick to a routine that I create myself. I need to wake up, get ready, and go somewhere in order to be productive in my day. Going to the library helps. It's near my house, parking is free, wifi is free and it has air conditioning. :) If I'm still in my seasonal job this summer I will need to stick to the library plan more closely and commit to making a routine for myself.

As far as the new relationship goes, it's interesting getting to know someone. Their past, their present, their future, their intricacies, my intricacies with them.  Everything is new and exciting for the first few months. And so we have another transition for me. Single to attached, one to two, me to us, I to we. It takes a little to get used to but for the most part it's a positive thing so far. But it's testing me. Pushing me outside my comfort zone. Which leads me to the next change in my life - Interpersonal Group Therapy for Depression.

Group therapy has been a different experience this time around. There's no homework, no handouts, just us in the group talking with each other and the facilitators. We talk about the challenges we've faced over the week with respect to communicating with others. I screened into the group on the basis of my difficulty with transitions. We all started with a goal to focus on over the 20 week therapy period. My goal is to use all of my resources to look for new work. Thus far I've been half-assed looking for work. Even though earlier I said I was on a serious job search, I admit it's only half-assed.  I'm not using all my resources. I'm depending on job bank "made to match" emails and internal postings to help me find my dream job, or a job. I don't even really know what I want to do or be or get paid for. And this is something important to me. You spend most of your life at work, sometimes more time at work than at home. So it would help if (and make sense that) you enjoy your job — the work, the people, the environment, the purpose, the goal, the mission, the values. And if they have monthly BBQs in the sweeter months that is a plus. I will miss that when I leave...

I'm hoping that everything works out the way it is supposed to — in my favour. LOL! All I want is to be happy and healthy and to enjoy everything in my life to the utmost. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes it seems like it.

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