Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Trigger Me This

So Saturday night was rough.  I called everyone I could and texted a few peeps but it still didn't help. Those big fat juicy tears that you sometimes get were plopping down my face like a faucet leaking.  A friend came over and we made pasta and ate it and watched a movie and drank until 6:30 in the morning.  Probably not the best choices but I would have been awake anyways so I might as well be awake and doing something fun with people that care about me and that I care about.

So all day Sunday I tried to figure out what triggered the melt down.  What happened Saturday?  What happened Friday?  Did I sleep enough previous to getting no sleep Saturday?  Did I eat something?  Did I not do something I should have?  AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!  What the f*&% was it that happened that made the thoughts that created the feeling?

Monday and Tuesday fared no better during the day but I managed.  Monday I learned it is a 9 month to 1 year wait for a psychiatrist in this city.  Even if I do admit myself voluntarily to the mental health ward of the hospital there is no guarantee that I will be helped much sooner from what I have heard from others that have experienced similar things.  So I'm still waiting.  Paranoia was at a high today.  Seems to fluctuate between anxiety and paranoia these days.

I'm not making smart choices these days.  What am I doing?  I'm falling off the horse...

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