Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Just Another Manic Episode

Over a week of good days...must be high time...

What's it like when I'm like this?  During the day I'm happy.  Crazy, talkative, bubbly, social, happy.  One of those people that I stay away from because they are so animated it exhausts me being around them for long periods of time.  At night I don't sleep much, and right now I'm angry.  No real reason.  Just seething, red hot anger that makes me want to walk forever, drive forever not knowing where I'm going or caring where I will end up.  I want to make bad choices because it will make things better for the moment.  But I don't make bad choices.  So I am sober and straight and want to throw things and break things and yell and scream and jump up and down.  Like a little kid having a temper tantrum.  They know how to do it, let it all out and get it over with until you are too tired to do anything more.  Then life goes on as if nothing ever happened in their kid world.  How do I let it out?  How do I release this anger within me when I don't even know where it comes from?  Does it matter where it comes from at this moment in time?

There's no point in talking to anyone I care about during times like this.  I just end up hurting the ones that I love.  Burning bridges, slamming doors, stepping on toes, all that jazz.  Better off alone in this state of mind.  Walk it off, cry it off, get lost in the music.  I remember when I was younger (high school even), I would go out on the back deck of my parents' house and yell at the top of my lungs.  Just shout out a big bellow.  They live in the country so it was okay to do this.  My parents would laugh but it would make me feel so much better...I need a country acre to do that with again.

I will do my best to sleep it off.  Might be enough time to take a pill...

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