Thursday, June 27, 2013

"I Can't Get No....Satisfaction"

Today I woke up feeling Blah. I didn't want to get out of bed but I had things to do, places to go and, unfortunately, people to see in amongst there. My schedule was set the night before and I was set to stick to my schedule the night before. That feeling did not stay with me through the night.  It went somewhere far, far away (although I'm sure it will return when it is ready). I rearranged my schedule, post-poned a few things and outright cancelled a few other things. I did go to my counselling appointment which helped with my thought process but didn't actually make me feel any better by the end of the day, which is right now, almost literally. It probably will be past the end of the day by the time I hit "Publish".

First I will talk about how I felt then I will talk about what I am going to work on to change how I feel when (not if) this comes up again for me.

When I woke up this morning I felt frustrated, depressed, confused, anti-social and generally unsatisfied in every area of my life. I have been laid off work for 2 months now, heading back in one month. I feel depressed about that. There was so much I wanted to accomplish but haven't. And time is slipping away on me. My "To Do" list has barely anything scratched off and I feel angry and frustrated about that. I felt really great on Monday and was even dancing around the house making silly noises to my pets while I cooked supper.  Yes, I cooked supper.  It was not cereal or a sandwich or a granola bar. It was a real meal. This almost sudden change in mood confused me today. Then, enter anti-social, stage left: I was irritated by drivers on my way to my appointment and even by the people waiting at reception while I was checking in for my appointment. I didn't want to go out for supper for my friend's birthday or go over to another friend's house to watch Masterchef. Thinking about all of the above, my home, my career, my relationship, my situation in life, made me feel unsatisfied. So I know the "why"... sort of. Now I need to change my outlook on all of it. Enter Social Worker (Counsellor) Alison.

It's always convenient when you have an appointment with your counsellor on a day when you feel like shit inside your head. It's more productive than going on a good day, I think! So we looked at how I was feeling and discussed some options and an action plan for me. I did get most of my things accomplished today that I set out to do but the ones that fell off my list are the most important ones to me. This is "Me Time" not "Everyone Else Time" and I tend to forget that. The result: "Me" things get lost or ignored because of the "Everyone Else" things.

Out of the discussion came the root of the issue. I'm stuck on reorganizing my house. More specifically two rooms in my house. I have sorted and thrown out and recycled and given away a lot of things from one room. But I need to do more.  I can't do more until I have room in the other room. So I need to sort, throw out, recycle and give away stuff from the other room. I'm having difficulty with that one. I am seeking permission from people that gave me stuff in order for me to get rid of it. I feel guilty that I'm getting rid of it. But I shouldn't.  It's okay to throw stuff out. It's okay to give stuff away.  It's okay to sell stuff. And I know it will feel good to get rid of a lot of the stuff that is cluttering up my house and my mind.  It is not good for my mental state to have this clutter in there and out here. And if it has to go in the landfill then so be it. My mental health is more important right now.  And besides, I recycle, up-cycle, donate, reuse and repurpose things all the time.  I seldom put garbage out more than once a month, if that. I don't generate a lot of waste even with 2 cats and a dog (all natural, flushable, biodegradable litter and a doggy doo composter).  There is nothing wrong with throwing away a few things here and there. I need to accept that there are things that come into my life that I will need to throw away.

So why the dissatisfaction with everything else? Maybe it's my mood, maybe it's because my needs aren't being met, maybe it's because I expect too much from myself and from others. Maybe I'm just tired and overwhelmed and need to break things down into smaller tasks (surprise, surprise as this seems to be a recurring theme in my life). My latest app for my iPad/iPhone is called "Do It (Tomorrow)". All you see is today and tomorrow and you add things to your to do list. It's very much like writing one on paper which I LOVE! What you don't get done today automatically rolls over to tomorrow. When something is done, you tap it and it gets crossed out, like on a piece of paper, which I LOVE! Did I already mention that? :) I'm hoping that this little simple app will help me focus on the now instead of the bigger picture which in turn will lead to less frustration and more productivity.

With the hope of less frustration and more productivity in mind, I best be getting to bed to hopefully get a good night of rest. It's a busy day tomorrow and I'm running out of tomorrows to move things to! :D  Be well, my friends. In Darkness and in Light.

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