Thursday, June 20, 2013

Long Drive Home

I wish that there was a thought track that recorded every single thought that passed through my head at any given time.  I took the four hour drive from the city to the country to visit my parents and man I had some great thoughts!  But now I don't remember them.  My only companion was my dog and he wasn't much for conversation so I had a lot of time to think.  He was more interested in sticking his snout out the window to get a good whiff of whatever it was that he could smell in passing.

I do remember some of my thoughts though:
  • I prayed to the dragon fly gods and goddesses and asked them to forgive me for all the dragon flies that were being unintentionally mounted to the grill of my car as I sped down the road.
  • I wished I had a thought recorder, more often than once in that four hours!
  • Why do turtles cross the road?
  • If the dog is so hot why doesn't he drink water when we stop and I fill up his dish?
  • What goes on in the vast expanse of trees and rocks that line the highway?
  • I wonder where they are going.  I wonder where they are going. I wonder where they are going. I wonder where they are coming from.
  • I need to google endorphins and find out why mine seem to be stuck somewhere.
  • Why is the limousine bus from my city out here in the middle of nowhere? I wonder who's paying for THAT trip!
  • Why do dogs roll in poop? I hope that was bear smells like berries.  It must be bear poop.
As I drove down the highway I thought of all the times I had driven that route, each vehicle that I was driving or had travelled in, who I was with, where we stopped for pee breaks, where I stopped to pick flowers, where I got a speeding ticket.  It brought back a lot of memories.  Most of them good.  Like MW seeing his first moose ever. I'm pretty sure he was in his early thirties at the time.  I remember thinking "Who hasn't seen a moose?" but if you are from the southern USA and have never been to Canada or northern USA you have probably never seen a real live moose. Something that I take for granted. The child-like excitement he showed was uplifting, enlightening even. :)

This made start thinking about some of my firsts and to contemplate what I felt.  Excitement? Fear? Joy? Anxiety? Giddiness?  I don't really remember a lot of excitement of joy.  Maybe some giddiness, but mostly fear and anxiety associated with the firsts I could recall.  I don't regret anything that has happened in my life but sometimes I do wish that I could have some of those firsts over again and feel the happiness and excitement instead of the anxiety and fear that I recall. I was scared most of the time. Scared to take off my lifejacket in swimming lessons, scared to cross the border when they changed the "toll" system, scared to go somewhere new for the first time without anyone with me.

I still feel that way often, like a frightened child in a dark room not knowing where the light switch is but knowing it is there somewhere. Reaching out and grasping in the dark, feeling the wall with one hand and swiping the other in front so as not to stub a toe or bash a kneecap. I need to console that frightened child within me, take her hand and lead her to the light switch, help her turn it on and let her know that it's ok, that there is nothing to be afraid of. Not knowing what's in store or what's in the dark is a part of life. Everyone is in the same boat. None of us can see the future, not even fortune tellers ( a recent psychic event was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances, they said).

All that I can do is plan my best to reach my goals and when life throws a curve ball, I need to adjust my plans accordingly. What are my goals and plans anyways?  Anyone out there know? I seem to have gotten lost in my thoughts and need to bushwhack my way back to my path. I thought this summer was going to be different than it has been. I wanted to accomplish so much. I'm not really sure what I've been doing, really. Someone asked me "Why do you have to accomplish anything while you are laid off?" Maybe I've said this before in a previous blog but I keep thinking about it. Why DO I need to accomplish anything? Because that's what I do. I like to accomplish things, not for recognition but to learn and grow and conquer my demons. One day I will even conquer those demons in my head that chase me when I am training to run.

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