Monday, August 25, 2014


Today was a "-less" day. Because that's how I felt. Let me list all the adjectives that describe how I felt today, or that the voice in my head named me as today and you will understand why.

  • hope-less
  • use-less
  • list-less
  • worth-less
  • love-less
  • heart-less
  • point-less

You get the was a bleak day in my head. I didn't want to leave the safety of my fortress (also known as my bed) where my guardians (also known as my pets and my stuffed animals) kept watch over me, until I absolutely had to get up to do what I needed to do (not anything nerve-wracking, just something simple) today. I took a cold shower but it didn't do much to restore my spirits. I probably shouldn't have been driving as I hadn't eaten more than a few bites in a couple days. I was on autopilot to get the few things done that I had to do. I cut my list short so I could get back home as soon as possible. I can finish my list off tomorrow, maybe...

It's frustrating having days like today. I know it will pass and sometimes I just have to let it pass. No amount of anything will help. Ride out the black wave of utter despair in the hopes that tomorrow will bring a new wave of hope and happiness. It's the despair that gets to me, worries me, makes me feel so close to slipping into a pit of depression. It's not far from the wave of despair into the pit of depression.

Surprisingly, all the "-less" things running rampant through my head today didn't get me as down as they normally do. I mostly just felt numb and nauseated. When I had to leave the house I was always just on the verge of tears. Stop thinking, focus on the task at hand, blink back the hot stinging tears. You can do this. Not long now until you are home. Eat something. Anything, even cereal. Drink water, cold water.

I feel used and broken, not even worthy of being in the slightly irregular/half off bin today. I am broken. I will never be fixed but I know that things can and will get better. Days like today remind me of how things used to be. The fact that I can sit down at the end of the day and type this, reflecting on what I felt and the fact that I'm still here to tell you how I felt today...well that's a giant leap forward at the end of a day like today.

Take it as it comes. Some days it's two steps forward and one step back onto that wave. Other days it's a slide down the slippery slope into the pit and then a giant leap forward. At the end of it all I need to have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be and that things are exactly as they should be. No matter what the hours, minutes or seconds previous to right now felt like.

set yourself free one step at a time
one step at a time set yourself free

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