Strong Enough

I know it's been awhile but things have been going on and off and on and off. Tonight, things are off; off so badly.

Do you ever feel that your heart is going to burst because you care about someone so much? Not even that you are in love with them but just that you love them. You want good things for them but part of you wants those goods things to be with you and not with someone else. But still. In the end you want good things for them: happiness, love, abundance, even if it isn't with you.

My heart exploded tonight. Not with love. He smashed it. I let him...again. I keep trying so hard to have a friendship but every single effing time it's me that gets hurt. He doesn't do it to hurt me on purpose. He doesn't even know that it hurts me. But if he thought about it and cared like I thought he cared, he wouldn't do it. Or he at least wouldn't do it the way he does. I appreciate his brutal honesty and I can't say that he hasn't been honest. But the signals are mixed and I get confused. Got confused. I won't be confused anymore. I know where I am in his books. I'm a footnote, or an end note, even. He's a tough guy. He broke me. He broke me into a million pieces, a million times over. And I kept letting him. I kept giving him my heart because I thought he would one day do something good with it. But he just kept breaking it. No more. It ends tonight.

I've come so close to the edge so many times over him. No person is worth this pain. No person is worth ending my life over. I am in control of myself and what I feel and how I allow others to treat me. I will cry...a lot. And I will be sad. But I will not let the sadness turn into the deep, dark depression that I am so familiar with. I will not let my lost love for him overpower my ever present love for myself. I may not be strong enough to handle a friendship with him but I am strong enough to get through this. I will be okay. I always am.

Tonight's tidal wave of emotion only reiterates that I am not ready for a relationship...still. Maybe I never will be but I hope that isn't true. I want to be ready. I want to be strong enough, to be strong for that person that is strong enough for me.