Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Layers of Depression (no, not onion)

The more I learn about myself and how my brain processes things and how I handle my thoughts, the less I feel that I know. I've been struggling with a few things this summer and it has come to my attention that as soon as I get in tune with one layer of my depression, another layer comes galloping out, guns blazing as I stand frozen in a stupefied mental state. One step forward, two steps back.

Since I started my "new" medication two and a half years ago (and had another medication added to it in the meantime), have been taking part in an outpatient program and seeing a psychiatrist regularly, the layers are slowly being revealed to me. First, it was the depression itself: how to manage it, what my triggers were and how to change my thought process. Once that seemed to be as much under control as possible, anxiety reared its ugly head and wanted to be centre stage. So again I learned, this time Anxiety 101: again, how to manage it, what my triggers were and how to change my thought process. Now that my anxiety issues seem to be manageable, for the most part, I'm realizing that behind the curtains there are obsessive thoughts. Almost OCD, but not quite. Maybe borderline? But I haven't brought this up with my psychiatrist nor have I been diagnosed; I'm just poking around in there myself to see what's happening.

It's these obsessive thoughts that contribute to the anxiety and depression but now that the latter two are relatively quiet, the former is more audible, more noticeable, more dizzying, more distracting, more ANNOYING than ever!!! And to make it worse, I sometimes act on these obsessive thoughts, speak/text/email before analyzing these thoughts to determine the validity of them. These thoughts are getting in the way. This train needs to be derailed. It has been ruining, and will continue to ruin, relationships, friendships and anything else on the track to happiness.

The question is HOW do I derail these thoughts? Yes be aware, yes do my best to quiet them, yes do my best to turn them around. But if all that fails? Everyone get the *bleep* off the track. Consider yourself warned. ;)

I told you so...

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