Everything Changes

Everything changes.

Every year something is different. But this year, this Christmas, there is so much that is different. It’s overwhelming and I can’t contain my tears or sadness no matter how hard I try. There are good changes, of course, but overall I’m having a difficult time accepting that things aren’t the same as they were before and that they will never be like they were a year ago.

I’m doing my best to reflect on everything and look at who I am now compared to who I was a year ago but my mind keeps going to back to everything that is missing this year – how alone I feel instead of how strong I have become. How do I keep my mind from getting distracted by what isn’t here and stay focused on what is here? All this mindfulness training I’ve taken and practiced, the yoga that I’ve been doing, the meditation techniques I’ve learned don't seem to be enough.

I know that I need to process the feelings I’m experiencing – to feel them, to accept them – the sadness, loneliness and emptiness that ebbs and flows within me. That is only part of the solution though. I want to focus more on healing myself from within so that I can get back to doing the things that I love and enjoy, having fun with friends, laughing out loud, even. It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve even laughed a wholehearted, meaningful, joyful, cheery, happy laugh. So, so long. And it shouldn’t be like that. No one should have to feel so sad and lonely that they can’t bear to laugh. No one should have to endure so much loss, suffering or pain that it becomes difficult to find that space within from where laughter bubbles up.

I’ve been pulling books off my shelves that resonate with me and have added a few more to my collection in the past couple weeks. It’s a process: read, apply, practice, practice, and practice. And keep practicing, just like anything else. When I want to learn to play a new piano piece it takes practice. A new instrument – practice. A new yoga pose – practice. A new job – you got it, practice. I want to be diligent in my practice and I want to do well. I want to live well and be well. I have to also want to practice, which seems to be the crux of the problem. This won’t necessarily be my New Year’s “Resolution”, but it is a priority for me.

As I type this, I’m travelling to my hometown to be with my family for the holidays. It will be brief but my immediate family will all be together – the last time we were together at Christmas was 8 years ago. It will be good to have everyone together at the table for Christmas brunch and opening our gifts. But even those traditions will have changed, lost in the passage of time.

Everything changes.