Thursday, December 31, 2015

A New Start

Today is the last day of 2015. I find it interesting that so much focus is put on a fresh new start for a fresh new year when, really, every moment is an opportunity to start over fresh. Every choice is a chance to take a different direction in your life. And I have come to realize all to well that I need to accept that other people will make their own choices, choose their own paths, despite their history, despite their experiences taking that same path before. It hurts to have to accept this, especially when it comes to people that I love and care for and would do almost anything for.

As much as I write about acceptance, truth and letting go I haven't accepted many things, I haven't been honest with myself and I haven't let go of a lot of feelings. It's time for me to do that. The only person I'm hurting is myself. I've been living in the past and it's wreaking havoc on my life, my heart, my spirit. There is only so long that I can stand beside someone and watch them make destructive choices - destructive to themselves and to others around them. I can no longer allow them to hurt me in that way, to use me. I am in charge of my own choices and my own life and the direction that it goes. I can no longer carry the weight of the worry, feel the pain, cry the tears. My soul feels crushed under this weight and I literally cannot breathe some days because of it.

I want to be free. I choose to be free. I release my thoughts. I have lived too long in the chains of worry beyond what is healthy, beyond what is caring. This relationship no longer serves me in any positive way and I must cut the ties that bind. I will always care and I will always unconditionally love but I am starting over - powering down, restarting, clearing my memory banks and reinstalling limited programs. There will always be a placeholder in my heart and I will always love. I will always have hope for happiness. But I need to make space in my heart for me, to love myself as I am and to make myself happy.

Every day is a challenge, for all of us, in our own way. We all experience the same emotions, whether it is fear, love, loneliness, joy, anger. It is how we choose to express them - or not express them - that influences our choices in life, that steers us on our journey. In the end it will be okay; it always is. Every day, you will be okay; you always are. Every day I will be okay; I always am.

No comments:

Post a Comment