Wednesday, November 18, 2015

One Person

I attended a yoga retreat and went hiking over the weekend and, I do have to say, it was great for my heart and soul, not to mention my body! Needless to say I had a lot of time to reflect during and after both of these activities. When I took a look inside I was amazed at so many things that I have experienced, felt, done, communicated and accomplished over the past month.

I have been making sure to take time for self-care and, even though I may not be getting to bed at the time that I need to and even though some of my days are busier than others, I'm managing quite well. Yes, I come home from my new job and cry. Yes, I may still cry myself to sleep some nights. Or cry when I talk about certain events or conversations that have occurred in the not-so-distant past. But when I cry it's no longer an empty, depression filled moment where I'm wallowing in my own suckery (to coin a phrase from Jennifer Pastiloff). My tears are filled with relief, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration or love. So many emotions have welled up inside of me and are bursting at my seams, no longer caged in my heart like injured animals.

I have realized that in this short life that we live, all it takes is one person. One person yet so many interactions, discussions, encounters, and not only moments of laughter but also moments of tears, time spent together, time spent apart, sometimes in silence, sometimes close and sometimes with a distance between that seems immeasurable. This one person can teach you so much, can show you the way by leading you astray. This one person can open your heart so wide with love that sometimes it hurts. It hurts because all of these emotions that I have kept inside my heart for so very long are pushing to come out all at once.

How is it possible that I can feel so much, so many emotions, so deeply, for so long due to this one person? I never imagined that anything like this existed. The intensity, the duration, the difficulty of letting it all go, working through every memory and the emotion attached to each of those memories in order to release the energy, to release the sadness in the happiness, to release the anger in the pride, to release the loneliness in the love.

This one person might be an important one person in my life but it may not be the time for me to be an important one person in their life. And maybe, just maybe, I might need to consider that I need to let this one person go. Again.

Letting go doesn't mean that I've given up hope or lost faith or that I am at odds with whatever may be. Letting go is part of accepting what is, in order to ease my suffering. Accepting what is does not mean that I've given up hope. Easing my suffering does not mean that I am being selfish. I am taking care of myself, taking care of my heart and taking care of those emotions, one by one, that are pouring out of my heart.

It's time that my heart had a rest. It has been carrying a lot of heaviness inside of it for so very long. I think my heart deserves a break, and not in the way that it is used to. I am going to experience a heart (space) break…no more heartbreak. And the heart said, "It will be good for all of us."

When you think there is no hope to be had anywhere for anything, you will find me. I will be there with hope in my heart, no matter how small a flame, so that you may light your own fire of hope again.

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