Saturday, July 25, 2015

Who I Am

If there is anything that makes me feel vulnerable, it's falling in love. Falling in love and being in love reveals all of my insecurities and past scars in a way that nothing else does. In order to be loved, it is said that one must love oneself first. I have stripped myself down and built myself back up many times and every single time I learn something about myself and others, about life, love, heartbreak and loss. And every single time this happens, I love myself more and think that I'm ready to let someone love me, again. But it seems to be a repeating cycle ending the same way, with me broken, hurting and taken advantage of. While the rest of the world goes on I end up stripping my broken self down once more.

Yes, I hide some parts of who I am. Yes, I protect some parts of who I am. But at the end of the day when each and every one of us lays our head down, can we honestly tell ourselves "Hey, today I was 100% me, 100% of the time and I loved it all!"? The entire world doesn't need to see my entire self every day, all day. That's like walking around naked all the time! No one wants that and no one wants to see that! The parts that I hide or protect are becoming smaller but in each of those parts is something sacred to me. Something private, that only I know and that only I have access to. And I want to keep that part of me, for me. I don't think that's a bad thing. And I don't think that who I am on the outside or the people that I attract into my life are bad things, even if the endings aren't so great.

I have learned that I deserve better and want better; I deserve more and want more. I have learned that I am an amazing woman with amazing strength. I have so much love to give that it's bursting out of me! I have learned that this love that I have to share isn't for everyone and that, when I do share, I have to have boundaries in place beforehand. People can only take advantage of me and break me down if I choose to let them.

Whether I like it or not, I am sensitive. Whether it is intended or not, I will be hurt. Whether I want to or not, I will feel sad and I will cry. These are things that I must accept. These are things that are a part of me just as my strength, generosity and compassion are a part of me. That is who I am.

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