Tuesday, September 8, 2015


I've been back to work now since the end of August. Although I did my best to enjoy my last week off I became somewhat stressed by thinking of all the things I DIDN'T accomplish. Self-defeating, right? I managed, though, and my first week of work went ok.

As for my bad spell this summer, I think it's over now. Things headed downhill in April, after I had surgery Easter weekend, though the events were unrelated to my surgery.

The first: I experienced a heart wrenching and difficult breakup. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before.

The second (part 1): the beginning of June and my last week of work, my dog had a health emergency that the vet wasn't quite sure of. After that, his health steadily declined and he needed quite a bit of palliative care.

The third: My grandma was also very sick and passed away in July. In early August, my dog, Kalvin, and I travelled home for a family gathering in my grandma's memory. It was good to see all of the family and extended family and a few lifelong friends of my grandma.

The second (part 2): The day after Kalvin and I returned back to Thunder Bay, he and I spent our final day together. I had to have him put down due to his age and health issues. I still cry every day for him and miss him so much but I know I made the right decision for him. It's so lonely without him around the house. So empty and quiet…

Amidst all of this I managed to get to yoga class, lose some weight, and visit with friends. And I learned so many things - about myself, others, life, love and death. As sad and enduring as it has been, it has also been an illuminating journey the past few months. As I adjust to a new lifestyle without Kalvin, and being back at work, I've still got my chin up. Well, some days I do. I know both my grandma and Kalvin would want me to be happy. If Kalvin was here right now he would be wanting a hug and licking the tears off my face. If my grandma was here right now she would be telling me how amazing I am and how proud she is of me and what a wonderful woman I grew up to be.

After spending some time ruminating on how the things I've experienced have made me feel I happened to come across this post on Facebook. It was the sweet icing on a dilapidated cake.

I needed to be broken down — to have my heart mangled and broken by someone that I unconditionally love, to experience loss of family and friend in immeasurable amounts and to feel emotions I didn't want to feel.  All of this was so that I could build myself up again, to be stronger, to have an improved sense of self-respect. I now know that I deserve much more than I have been giving myself and allowing myself to receive.

Thank you, Universe, for giving me the opportunity for this lesson in loneliness, sadness and grief.

PS I'm still feeling emotions I don't want to feel and even though my mind wants to be done with these emotions, my body is saying, "Nuh-uh, no way. We aren't done feeling this stuff yet, kiddo." So here I sit typing, crying, feeling, enduring, allowing — but not wallowing.

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