Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Time to Catch Up Because I'm Stuck in my Head Today and it Feels Like a Good Day to Blog

Here I thought it was ages since I last blogged but it really hasn't been that long, I guess.  It feels like ages in my head.  Today is a difficult day in my head.  I'm trying to sort things out but they keep getting all muddled up again once I get some of them plucked out of the way.  Like ants crawling back into the ant hill after you diligently and carefully separate them from their hill and sort them by shades of colour or size or demeanor. Do ants even have demeanor?  Are any of them shy or introverted?  Or are they all social and extroverted?  Hmm...

Anyways, I digress.  I'm good at that today.  I'm supposed to be working on web page design today but I think I have accomplished almost everything but that.  I'm prepared to clean out underneath the kitchen sink today, even.  And now here I am blogging to procrastinate yet some more.  So these ants/thoughts that keep getting back together and messing my head up....yeah.  Why?  Where do I start sorting again?  Am I going about it wrong?  Am I thinking too much?  Am I looking at the wrong ants?  Am I trying to separate ants that should stay together?

I have been offered an amazing gift in my life quite recently and I'm struggling to accept it.  I feel that I am not deserving of it, not worthy of it.  I have found myself questioning the concrete practicality of it, waiting for it to be ripped away by someone or pushed away by me, just like in the past.  It's not meant to last forever, I tell myself, though I hope this time it is forever.  Something like this doesn't come along often and my fear of messing it up and my lack of confidence in who I am may just be the very thing that messes it up.  My ego would like to return the gift on a silver platter adorned with my fear and the comforting solitude I have created for myself.  My ego would like to keep me stuck in my story and my loneliness. I will not allow my ego to jeopardize this gift, to steal this gift from me.  This gift being offered is precious and should be handled with care, with gentle hands and a gentle heart.

In my ever changing emotional state do I accept this gift with grace and humility, protect this gift with my entire being without losing who I am?

I do.

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