Sunday, January 15, 2017

The Things You Don't Know

Sometimes there are questions that we don't want to know the answers to. Don't ask something unless you want to know the answer, right? Sometimes there are questions that we want to ask but aren't sure how. Sometimes answers to our unasked questions come out in conversation. Does it hurt less or more to know the answer this way? I haven't quite decided that yet.

Emotions, for me, don't usually take a back seat. They are like a back seat driver in the front seat —  a really crappy navigator sometimes, other times a really great navigator. When answers show themselves, I need some time to process. Conversations face to face turn to texting or emails because it's easier that way. You can face the truth without having to face the person. Technology is great for that, I suppose. No one can see the pain in my face, how my heart plummets to the pit of my stomach, how sometimes I want to vomit because I don't know what else to do. I swallow the pain down, hoping to digest it instead of actually having to process it, feel it, work through it.

And then there are people that never show me their true self face to face, for whatever reason. They remain hidden, like the stuff in that closet that if I open the door to, it will all come tumbling out in a huge heap at my feet. Not skeletons, just stuff. Maybe it needs to be sorted through, maybe it needs to stay hidden. Maybe opening the closet will open Pandora's box and unleash who knows what upon me. It's the fear of the unknown that makes me lose patience with myself, with others. It doesn't take much to ruin a good thing. Hopefully, as a mature, honest and communicative adult, good things won't be ruined.

There are good people and good friendships that I have formed in my life over the past few months that, though I don't understand the person, I would be sad if things were to change for the worse. We all have our issues, our closet full of junk that would be best sorted out, but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, the question shouldn't be asked but the answer should be known. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let friendships remain as they are, or put them on hold until the time is right. It's difficult for me to do this, to decide what to do, where to go, what to ask, what to say, when to stay silent.

Where does my stuff end and their stuff begin? Will it ever be the right time? Or is this the right time? Is this the time to just leave things as they are and go on about my life, as I want to live it? I think that it is about me living my life. Take things as they come, do what I need to do for me. I know what is right for me, what isn't right for me.

I recently adopted a dog named Penny. I call her my lucky Penny but the real question is who saved who? She will never replace my beloved Kalvin in spirit or in space but she is an amazing companion that is there for me, unconditionally. Which is what I love about pets, in general. There is that unconditional love and trust, the faith in me that I will make the best choices for them. It's a huge responsibility but I take it on wholeheartedly. I don't know what's best for anyone, sometimes not even for me. But pets have simple needs — food, water, shelter, attention. I can handle that and anything else above and beyond that is a gift, for me and for them. And sometimes it works this way for humans, too.

Everyone that comes into our life appears for a reason. I've learned so many lessons about myself and about others, the more people that I meet. And sometimes, more questions arise the more people I meet. I appreciate this gift. It is sometimes the things that you don't know that are the most important, the questions that you don't ask that lead to more answers, if that makes any sense. Not a lot makes sense to me right now. I'm struggling to find my place in life and in love, all at the same time. Yeah, I should probably focus on one at a time, but I see life as a project and love as a gift. Both take work and both can be very satisfying if you take the "right" approach. It's tricky to navigate the maze of both, though, and both can be heartbreaking. I would like to think that, after everything I have experienced up to this point in my life, it has prepared me for what is yet to come. If it hasn't, then what is yet to come will prepare me for that which is STILL yet to come…I hope.

Usually by the end of my typing, I reach an answer to my question that I started out with. Tonight, though, I think I started with an answer and created questions. Maybe it's time to deal with that closet of stuff that I've been squishing the door closed on. Maybe it's time to unpack and analyze what's worth salvaging and what isn't. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to unwrap my wounds and take a look at how they are healing. It won't hurt…much…I hope.

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