The Pressure to be Joyous

It's been ages. Yes, I know. But did anyone out there even notice?😕 Maybe eventually I will catch up but until then...

I'm writing today to tell you that if you are struggling, myself included, that there are a lot of people that love you. This might not mean anything to you but you mean something to those that love you. And even if I'm the only one that tells you that you are loved, take that to heart. You are important, you are valued, you are loved. I can't change who you are, what you think, what you believe, but maybe I can influence you with this post.

There is so much pressure around the holidays to spend time with loved ones, to be happy, to celebrate. Not everyone wants these things during the holidays, or even every day. I think that we should focus more on celebrating each other all throughout the year as opposed to just around certain holidays. Take Valentine's Day, for example. Why is this day so special to tell the ones that you love that you love them? We should be telling each other every day, in various ways, how much we love each other, how valued our people are to us. I make a point of telling my friends I love them at least weekly, if not several times a week. Since I have an ex that is a very close friend we have changed it to "I friend you" as opposed to "I love you", since the word "love" has a different connotation in this instance. It has caught on! I have a few friends that use this phrase with me. Maybe saying "I love you" to a friend is too much, too difficult. But we need to remember that there are many levels of love. Sooooooooo many levels of love! And we are all capable of giving endless love. It's never going to run out! There's an infinite supply of love to go around!

If you're struggling today reach out. To a loved one, a trusted friend, hell you can even reach out to me. I will be there to throw you a rope and, if you are willing to take the rope, I will help you get out of whatever hole you're in. Because you are important and you are loved. You are LOVE!

Whatever today holds for you I hope that at some point you can find joy and love, even for a short moment, in every day, in your heart and in the things that you are grateful for. Sometimes it seems that there's not a lot to be grateful for but if you even have one person that loves you, if you have a roof over your head, food in your fridge, some money in your bank account, fresh running water, etc. there's always some place to start with gratitude. Don't feel pressure to feel joy. Just feel what you feel, observe it, notice it and move on with your day. If you need to spend more time on it later, do so. For the moment, know that you are loved.💗💗💗

The Bitter Endings

One of my favourite sayings is "There are no endings, only new beginnings." However, I do believe that there are endings in there somewhere — the bitter endings. Like the shampoo or conditioner that you know is in the bottle still but won't come out. The last tiny chunk of bar soap that is still useful but oh so slippery and hard to hold onto. The split ends of your otherwise gorgeous hair.

Like all of these things, love has a bitter end. And, like the shampoo or conditioner that you know is still left in the bottle, you try to squeeze the last bitter ends out of it. You add water and shake it up and, although you do get some of the shampoo (or love) out, it is watered down and not as effective as it is at full-strength.

The bitter ends of love can be painful, frustrating, cleansing, cathartic, or just plain shit. Too much water, too much shaking, too much squeezing has caused there to be little of value left in the love you tried so hard to sustain, to keep going until the last drop is gone. It happens. But what is it worth to you as a lover? How hard should you work to get to the bitter end? How much strain should you put on something that is coming to an end anyway? You know it's ending, you see it, you feel it, you hear it, you FEEL it. There's less — less of everything that there used to be so much more of — affection, talking, agreeing, compromising, meals together, sincere apologies. And there's more of everything there used to be less of — arguing, crying, disagreeing, silence, bitterness, meaningless apologies.

Where do you go from the bitter end? Why, into a new beginning of course! It's a tough transition, difficult to let go of something, of someone and reach for something new and different to take up your thoughts, time, energy. But if you reach for something that you know is love, like an activity or a new hobby, or a new lifestyle, the transition from the bitter end into the new beginning will be less painful, less empty, more enjoyable, more fulfilling.

Reach for that new beginning as if your life depends on it. Reach far, reach strong, reach confidently. And then release the bitter ending as if it didn't exist. I will be there for you, to hold your hand, to help you reach, to make you reach for that new beginning that you desire but are scared to face alone. Someone will be there for you, with you, when you leave that bitter ending behind and turn towards the new beginning. I promise you that. And I don't make promises lightly, or hardly at all.

Reach for what you want, for what you know makes you happy, not bitter. Reach for your desire and leave the bitterness behind. It doesn't serve a purpose in your new beginning. It will only hold you back, prevent you from experiencing the best new beginning you've had thus far in your lifetime. Reach for your dream and hold on tight because you know you're going to be in for a great wild ride!

The Things You Don't Know

Sometimes there are questions that we don't want to know the answers to. Don't ask something unless you want to know the answer, right? Sometimes there are questions that we want to ask but aren't sure how. Sometimes answers to our unasked questions come out in conversation. Does it hurt less or more to know the answer this way? I haven't quite decided that yet.

Emotions, for me, don't usually take a back seat. They are like a back seat driver in the front seat —  a really crappy navigator sometimes, other times a really great navigator. When answers show themselves, I need some time to process. Conversations face to face turn to texting or emails because it's easier that way. You can face the truth without having to face the person. Technology is great for that, I suppose. No one can see the pain in my face, how my heart plummets to the pit of my stomach, how sometimes I want to vomit because I don't know what else to do. I swallow the pain down, hoping to digest it instead of actually having to process it, feel it, work through it.

And then there are people that never show me their true self face to face, for whatever reason. They remain hidden, like the stuff in that closet that if I open the door to, it will all come tumbling out in a huge heap at my feet. Not skeletons, just stuff. Maybe it needs to be sorted through, maybe it needs to stay hidden. Maybe opening the closet will open Pandora's box and unleash who knows what upon me. It's the fear of the unknown that makes me lose patience with myself, with others. It doesn't take much to ruin a good thing. Hopefully, as a mature, honest and communicative adult, good things won't be ruined.

There are good people and good friendships that I have formed in my life over the past few months that, though I don't understand the person, I would be sad if things were to change for the worse. We all have our issues, our closet full of junk that would be best sorted out, but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, the question shouldn't be asked but the answer should be known. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let friendships remain as they are, or put them on hold until the time is right. It's difficult for me to do this, to decide what to do, where to go, what to ask, what to say, when to stay silent.

Where does my stuff end and their stuff begin? Will it ever be the right time? Or is this the right time? Is this the time to just leave things as they are and go on about my life, as I want to live it? I think that it is about me living my life. Take things as they come, do what I need to do for me. I know what is right for me, what isn't right for me.

I recently adopted a dog named Penny. I call her my lucky Penny but the real question is who saved who? She will never replace my beloved Kalvin in spirit or in space but she is an amazing companion that is there for me, unconditionally. Which is what I love about pets, in general. There is that unconditional love and trust, the faith in me that I will make the best choices for them. It's a huge responsibility but I take it on wholeheartedly. I don't know what's best for anyone, sometimes not even for me. But pets have simple needs — food, water, shelter, attention. I can handle that and anything else above and beyond that is a gift, for me and for them. And sometimes it works this way for humans, too.

Everyone that comes into our life appears for a reason. I've learned so many lessons about myself and about others, the more people that I meet. And sometimes, more questions arise the more people I meet. I appreciate this gift. It is sometimes the things that you don't know that are the most important, the questions that you don't ask that lead to more answers, if that makes any sense. Not a lot makes sense to me right now. I'm struggling to find my place in life and in love, all at the same time. Yeah, I should probably focus on one at a time, but I see life as a project and love as a gift. Both take work and both can be very satisfying if you take the "right" approach. It's tricky to navigate the maze of both, though, and both can be heartbreaking. I would like to think that, after everything I have experienced up to this point in my life, it has prepared me for what is yet to come. If it hasn't, then what is yet to come will prepare me for that which is STILL yet to come…I hope.

Usually by the end of my typing, I reach an answer to my question that I started out with. Tonight, though, I think I started with an answer and created questions. Maybe it's time to deal with that closet of stuff that I've been squishing the door closed on. Maybe it's time to unpack and analyze what's worth salvaging and what isn't. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to unwrap my wounds and take a look at how they are healing. It won't hurt…much…I hope.

The Sound of a Broken Heart

Making new friends isn't easy. Keeping friends is even more difficult. Putting it all out there, trusting, having faith in another person, it's all very confusing and takes work - sometimes a lot of effort, sometimes very little effort. Loving someone, on the other hand, seems so easy for me, though.  I'm not talking about being in love, or falling in love, with someone. Just loving someone, wanting nothing but happiness, joy, peace and love for them, no matter where they are in life. When people treat you like crap, it's not because they love you. Sometimes it's not even personal, this is just the way they treat people for whatever reason. Regardless, this can be a hard pill to swallow.

When I give someone all of the love that I can and they turn away from me, often it's because they don't feel worthy of the love that I am giving them. They don't feel that they deserve to be loved; instead they feel that they deserve to be treated like crap by someone that doesn't love them. It breaks my heart every time, not for my sake but for their sake. My heart breaks for them and I cry tears of sadness for them, that they are in such a state of mind that they are not accepting of and open to receiving love. I'm not asking everyone to love me in return. I'm asking them to love themselves and know that they are worthy and deserving of the love that I am, and others that respect them are, willing to give them.

I was listening to the radio today and a song by Brandi Carlile came on - The Things I Regret. I found the words to this song moving and they gave me a new perspective about something. In particular it was the following lyrics:

But I keep pressing forward with my feet to the ground, for a heart that is broken makes a beautiful sound.

So often we try to get over, ignore or forget the painful emotions that we experience, one being heartbreak.  The lines above from Brandi Carlile's song makes me think of embracing the feeling of a broken heart, listening to the sound of your heart no matter the state of your mind. A broken heart can be painful but it can also be empowering, mind-opening and hold valuable lessons. These lines spoke to me today when I heard them and I hope that they speak to you. Hear the sound of your broken heart (or your anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.) and listen to that sound. That sound will guide you to a happier state of being, though it might not feel like it at the time.

Love has no limits.
Love is never-ending.
Love is all encompassing.
Love knows no boundaries.
Love shows no shame.
Love is. It just is.

Shout Out to the Sensitive People

I've come to realize, and stubbornly accept, that I am a sensitive person. This is not something good or bad, negative or positive; it just is. I can't change that I'm sensitive but I am learning about ways to manage my sensitivity, just like I've learned ways to manage my depression and anxiety. It's like potty training, for your emotions.

Most of my information these days is gleaned from Facebook, much to my dismay. I realized today that I've saved quite a few posts on Facebook related to being a sensitive person so I thought that I would share a few links and memes (is that what those are called?) with you here, all in one spot, throughout my ramblings. I hope that you find these links helpful. If any of them are broken please let me know and I will update or remove them.

For all you readers out there that are sensitive, the first step, as with anything else, is accepting that you are sensitive. Embrace and embody that part of you. It can be a wonderful thing and I think the world needs more sensitivity. We are good people! Can I get a WHOOT WHOOT!?

I was, and still am, one to cry over almost everything. It's embarrassing to cry whenever I feel an emotion - happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. It makes it very difficult to communicate through hiccups, sobs and snotty snorts. But there's good news! Crying means you are mentally tough! Ronda Rousey says she cries before every match. I will take that one as a win, for sure!

I have learned that crying is cathartic. It releases a lot of my emotions and after a good cry, either in bed or in the shower, I usually feel pretty damn good. Like I can face the world and conquer whatever it throws in my path. So, cry, I say. Show your tears proudly, just make sure they aren't crocodile tears. No one likes a faker.

Often, sensitive people are introverts (or vice versa) or shy. Knowing whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, or whether your friend is an introvert or extravert can help immensely in relationships and life, in general. Like when you go to a party together, or the bar, or the grocery store, or the newly opened Wacky Wings on a Saturday night.

Introvert Doodles

A wonderful resource for sensitive people is Doreen Virtue's website and books. She offers ways to manage your sensitive energy, chakra clearing, stress management techniques, and assertiveness advice, to name a few. Another great author/speaker is Eckhart Tolle. Overthinking is something that isn't limited to the brains of sensitive people. Tolle speaks and writes of mindfulness and being in the present moment, which is something that, in today's fast paced world, a lot of people don't do. It often leads to sleep difficulties, negative thoughts, lack of self-care and just a plain old stone cold heart, eventually.

So if you are a sensitive person (or even an HSP - highly-sensitive person), fear not because the world needs us. We are a special breed that keep the peace and wipe the tears and put on the bandaids while others kick sand our faces. It's not an easy job to be a sensitive person but it's a necessary one. Through knowledge and perseverance we can keep the balance of this world right. Through compassion and understanding we can make the world a better place. So wear your heart on your sleeve proudly but learn how to protect it from the elements. Shine up your chakras and keep them cleared, put those protective crystals in your pocket or around your neck or wrist and step up to the challenge of being sensitive. We are all here to support each other and love each other!

Namaste


More interesting resources:
People react to being called beautiful
The Five Thinking Traps (Facebook link)
Gary Vaynerchuk YouTube (explicit language)
Ways to Lower Your Cortisol Levels and Your Anxiety
Things to Remember When You Are Having Negative Thoughts
Things to Remember When Going Through Tough Times
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Self-Forgiveness

My newest journey is an 11 Day Prosperity Meditation. I am now entering into Day 7 and it has been interesting what has been coming up while I'm meditating, the thoughts that enter into my consciousness. As with anything that is new, the first couple days I found it difficult. It took mental strength to focus on so many things at once during the meditation - posture, breathing, audible chanting, hand motions, and the big one, holding the vision of exactly what I want to attract into my life at this time that would lead to prosperity. The yoga teacher indicated that this is normal, it takes practice, and to keep going. So I did, and with a little adjustment - sitting with my back supported - I was able to focus on everything much better which led me to feeling successful, which in turn led me to continue thus far, into Day 7!

I noticed that I get emotional during the 11 minutes that I am meditating. The first few times this threw me off; I didn't understand why I felt such deep emotion, such sadness and the urge to cry. But I kept on with my practice, daily, letting the feelings sit and then eventually paying more attention to them. Part of me (let's call this part Rho) feels that I don't deserve to have prosperity or abundance in my life. Rho feels that she can do without and when Rae is peacefully meditating and has a clear focus about her vision, Rho feels guilty that Rae wants prosperity in her life. There is an emotional struggle within me between Rae and Rho. Rae says "Yay!" and Rho says "No." I haven't actually cried yet during the Prosperity Meditation, but I'm sensing that things are coming to the surface and I will need to have a talk with Rho so that she understands that we are both safe, that no harm will come to us.

Another thing that has come up is forgiveness. I'm a forgiving person, I don't like holding a grudge. What purpose does it serve? It only eats me up inside. It does nothing to the person that I'm grudging against! They don't feel my emotions towards them, so why carry it myself? This is how I (do my best to) live my life. Yet when it comes to forgiving myself, that's another story. During meditation, my back/shoulders begins to ache a little bit, or I have to scratch my nose, or yawn, or open my eyes to make sure there isn't a cat about to get caught in the hand movements. When these little things happen Rho chastises Rae - it must always be done perfectly, everyone else can do it perfectly, their backs or shoulders done get sore, they don't scratch an itch, they are more focused and better than you, Rae. When these thoughts begin to come up for air it makes me want to quit meditating. And this is a pattern in my life. When that voice, Rho, starts saying no, I desperately want to call her on her bullshit. But maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not outgoing enough. Maybe I won't succeed. Maybe I will fail. But what if she's wrong? I won't know until I offer myself forgiveness and move forward to try again, to aim for better next time. And one day Rho will be wrong. Because I know I'm good enough, smart enough. I am outgoing enough for the things that I need to get done to reach my dreams and live out my intentions. I am succeeding at so many things in life. Hell I'm succeeding at LIFE! I'm not failing, I'm learning. And I'm proud of myself for everything that I have accomplished in the past, everything that I am accomplishing in the present and everything that I aim to accomplish in the future.

I am proud of me. I love me. I forgive me. I support me. I nurture me. I take care of me. I do all of these things for myself so that I can do them for others. So doesn't it make sense that I treat myself the way that I treat other? With compassion, empathy, forgiveness and understanding? Why would I not offer these things to myself, to my spirit, to my essence, to my being, yet offer them to everyone that crosses my path in life?

Do you treat yourself as you treat others? If not what would you like to change? Start being the person that you want to become and you will become the person that you want to be.

Success, Failure and Fear

Last Friday, I attended a Facebook book launch for Aliza Bloom Robinson's book Falling Into Ease and as part of her launch she was offering tons of great prizes to those that attended and posted a review on Amazon. I don't usually do those sorts of things but this time I thought, why the heck not? I hadn't read her book cover to cover at the time but I did read parts of it and skimmed through other parts and I knew it would be a useful tool to add to my collection! Anyway, I ended up winning a free 30 minute session with Aliza and 50% off her Masterclass she is offering in November. I was pretty excited! But I had homework to do before my free session with her. She asked me to identify one thing that I think is a habit, pattern or obstacle to a dream or goal that I have. So I journaled last night on this. I'm currently considering a career change and want to venture out on my own - I've always been really great at helping people (sometimes to my own detriment but I've learned some good lessons and won't repeat that again, hopefully!) so why not make a career out of it? That was the dream that I focussed on for this particular session.

Here's what came up in my journalling:

When I think of myself as being successful I don't see a clear path from here to there. I see the end result and where I am now but the in-between is a large concrete barrier or quicksand. I have to chip my way through or slowly maneuver my way across or find a way around. I get frustrated with not seeing immediate, large scale results and then I lose my motivation and quit or lose interest or get depressed and down on myself. I KNOW that I'm making progress even though it might be small steps but my heart doesn't feel it.

So I asked myself "What will happen if I fail? What will happen if I succeed?" Failure is not the end of the world. It is a chance to learn, to grow. If I fail I will be disappointed in myself but there are many other methods and things to try. I will still be who I am. My family and friends will still love me and care about me. The only person I will disappoint is myself. If I succeed it will also be a chance to learn, to grow. My family and friends will still love me and care about me. I will have made new friends, new contacts, new wealth, new opportunities - wait…all of that could happen even if I fail. So really, what do I have to lose? Absolutely nothing at all, really.

In summary of my journalling I came up with this quote:

It is not whether I will fail or succeed at what I dream of doing. It is what I will gain from doing what I dream of.

That brings me to my session with Aliza. In less than 45 minutes I was brought to tears and saw my future as it could be; I was proud of my future self. I am proud of me! I've always had a fear of failure and recently realized that I also have a fear of success. Aliza helped bring me back to the moment when that fear was instilled in me. I was transported to kindergarten however many years ago. According to my mom, I knew my shapes and colours and was reading Reader's Digest condensed books so the decision was made to move me into Grade 1 after the Christmas holidays. I changed busses, schools, teachers, friends. I was the new kid in class half way through the year. I was shy and all this attention made me want to curl up in a hole. Looking back on this, I can see why I developed a fear of success. Everything was torn away from me because I was "smarter" than the other kids my age in the kindergarten class, most of whom lived in my country neighbourhood and took my bus, and could have been my friends.

I knew that this event impacted my life significantly but I didn't realize how deeply it was rooted in my core being. Aliza took me into a guided anxiety attack and had me explain what my anxiety and fear looked like. Imagery is an amazing thing! I felt trapped, which is how I feel quite often - treading water just to be able to breathe, never mind being able to swim anywhere. Someone/something was squeezing my spirit to protect me but was squeezing too hard and, until now, I had been unable to break free. Aliza guided me through releasing that feeling; not getting rid of it, just releasing it, to examine it to see what it looked like. We then "unhooked" me from that moment in kindergarten and activated a new thought based on how I saw my future - to be proud of myself. I am free; I am safe; I am happy. I am standing up for myself; I have a voice that is heard.

This was an amazing experience that Aliza walked me through. I'm still digesting and processing the flood of emotions that continue to sweep through me. I'm excited for the future and looking forward to my daily task of envisioning what it feels like to be living my dream, feeling happy and safe, being free and infusing that feeling into the present. I am weaving that feeling into every fibre of my being, nurturing my spirit and taking care of my 6 year old self - the little girl that learned to fear the feeling of success, a feeling that should be wonderful and amazing!

Shortly after I did my journalling last night I came across a post on Facebook where a website will create a quote by "analyzing" your Facebook posts. This was what it came up with for me:

Very appropriate considering my journey the past few days and, without her even knowing this quote appeared to me, Aliza echoed it by saying that once you take a step the next step will be revealed. My concrete barrier/quicksand has now turned into a staircase to success!

What would it feel like for you to live your dream? Envision what it would look like, feel like, taste like, sound like. Envision that EVERY DAY! The "how" doesn't matter right now, just focus on the feeling of success and happiness, whatever it feels like for you when you envision living your dream and/or achieving your goal!

March 23, 2003 - Dreams

What are my dreams/hopes/aspirations in life? I used to have many but it seems as I've gotten older and entered "the real world" my dreams have been diminished, destroyed or have disappeared altogether. Why did I let this happen? How can I have goals or expect to reach my goals if I don't have dreams? Come on dreams! Why have I deserted you for so long?

Dreams make me want to be somebody, to do something. In a general sense, I feel dreams are silly…but a few years ago I would have refuted anyone who said that to me! So now I need to find my dreams or make new ones. Playing flute in the Walt Disney orchestra, racing stock car, obtaining my CMA and Forensic Accounting certificate. They are still there, just buried deep beneath a lot of other garbage, maybe disguised as new dreams, even! Tonight I will dream of my dreams and return to the path of enjoyment, struggle and success. I will work hard to find my dreams, to set goals which will help me achieve those dreams and all the while remain me, as those who love me and accept me know me.

I am strong, intelligent, diligent and capable. If I put my mind to it I can accomplish anything and I have the support of friends and family who love me very much. I can ask for help if I need it because there is no reason for me to struggle alone.

To dreams and the path of achievement!

Foundlings

I know, it's been awhile since I've been here. I'm not sure why as I've had plenty to pour out. Maybe I've been scared to know what's inside, to know and to let it out, even here. But I've found a project that will hopefully bring me back here more regularly. It's something I've been meaning to do but have been putting it off. I was tidying up today, getting some paperwork done, and came across my journal of sorts. I used to pick a topic/theme/emotion and free write. Over the next while I will be posting the entries from my old journal here on my blog. They are short but maybe they will help someone out there. I know that re-reading these entries and typing them out will help me. 

I didn't realize how old the entries were when I had pulled it out over a year ago and set the intention to transfer the entries here. Upon opening it when I sat down to type tonight, I realized that even though the first entry is from 13 years ago, I am currently sort of where I was 13 years ago. And 13 is my lucky number. So it's appropriate that I sat down to do this now, I guess!

So here goes nothing, something or everything!

A New Start

Today is the last day of 2015. I find it interesting that so much focus is put on a fresh new start for a fresh new year when, really, every moment is an opportunity to start over fresh. Every choice is a chance to take a different direction in your life. And I have come to realize all to well that I need to accept that other people will make their own choices, choose their own paths, despite their history, despite their experiences taking that same path before. It hurts to have to accept this, especially when it comes to people that I love and care for and would do almost anything for.

As much as I write about acceptance, truth and letting go I haven't accepted many things, I haven't been honest with myself and I haven't let go of a lot of feelings. It's time for me to do that. The only person I'm hurting is myself. I've been living in the past and it's wreaking havoc on my life, my heart, my spirit. There is only so long that I can stand beside someone and watch them make destructive choices - destructive to themselves and to others around them. I can no longer allow them to hurt me in that way, to use me. I am in charge of my own choices and my own life and the direction that it goes. I can no longer carry the weight of the worry, feel the pain, cry the tears. My soul feels crushed under this weight and I literally cannot breathe some days because of it.

I want to be free. I choose to be free. I release my thoughts. I have lived too long in the chains of worry beyond what is healthy, beyond what is caring. This relationship no longer serves me in any positive way and I must cut the ties that bind. I will always care and I will always unconditionally love but I am starting over - powering down, restarting, clearing my memory banks and reinstalling limited programs. There will always be a placeholder in my heart and I will always love. I will always have hope for happiness. But I need to make space in my heart for me, to love myself as I am and to make myself happy.

Every day is a challenge, for all of us, in our own way. We all experience the same emotions, whether it is fear, love, loneliness, joy, anger. It is how we choose to express them - or not express them - that influences our choices in life, that steers us on our journey. In the end it will be okay; it always is. Every day, you will be okay; you always are. Every day I will be okay; I always am.

Everything Changes

Everything changes.

Every year something is different. But this year, this Christmas, there is so much that is different. It’s overwhelming and I can’t contain my tears or sadness no matter how hard I try. There are good changes, of course, but overall I’m having a difficult time accepting that things aren’t the same as they were before and that they will never be like they were a year ago.

I’m doing my best to reflect on everything and look at who I am now compared to who I was a year ago but my mind keeps going to back to everything that is missing this year – how alone I feel instead of how strong I have become. How do I keep my mind from getting distracted by what isn’t here and stay focused on what is here? All this mindfulness training I’ve taken and practiced, the yoga that I’ve been doing, the meditation techniques I’ve learned don't seem to be enough.

I know that I need to process the feelings I’m experiencing – to feel them, to accept them – the sadness, loneliness and emptiness that ebbs and flows within me. That is only part of the solution though. I want to focus more on healing myself from within so that I can get back to doing the things that I love and enjoy, having fun with friends, laughing out loud, even. It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve even laughed a wholehearted, meaningful, joyful, cheery, happy laugh. So, so long. And it shouldn’t be like that. No one should have to feel so sad and lonely that they can’t bear to laugh. No one should have to endure so much loss, suffering or pain that it becomes difficult to find that space within from where laughter bubbles up.

I’ve been pulling books off my shelves that resonate with me and have added a few more to my collection in the past couple weeks. It’s a process: read, apply, practice, practice, and practice. And keep practicing, just like anything else. When I want to learn to play a new piano piece it takes practice. A new instrument – practice. A new yoga pose – practice. A new job – you got it, practice. I want to be diligent in my practice and I want to do well. I want to live well and be well. I have to also want to practice, which seems to be the crux of the problem. This won’t necessarily be my New Year’s “Resolution”, but it is a priority for me.

As I type this, I’m travelling to my hometown to be with my family for the holidays. It will be brief but my immediate family will all be together – the last time we were together at Christmas was 8 years ago. It will be good to have everyone together at the table for Christmas brunch and opening our gifts. But even those traditions will have changed, lost in the passage of time.

Everything changes.

One Person

I attended a yoga retreat and went hiking over the weekend and, I do have to say, it was great for my heart and soul, not to mention my body! Needless to say I had a lot of time to reflect during and after both of these activities. When I took a look inside I was amazed at so many things that I have experienced, felt, done, communicated and accomplished over the past month.

I have been making sure to take time for self-care and, even though I may not be getting to bed at the time that I need to and even though some of my days are busier than others, I'm managing quite well. Yes, I come home from my new job and cry. Yes, I may still cry myself to sleep some nights. Or cry when I talk about certain events or conversations that have occurred in the not-so-distant past. But when I cry it's no longer an empty, depression filled moment where I'm wallowing in my own suckery (to coin a phrase from Jennifer Pastiloff). My tears are filled with relief, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration or love. So many emotions have welled up inside of me and are bursting at my seams, no longer caged in my heart like injured animals.

I have realized that in this short life that we live, all it takes is one person. One person yet so many interactions, discussions, encounters, and not only moments of laughter but also moments of tears, time spent together, time spent apart, sometimes in silence, sometimes close and sometimes with a distance between that seems immeasurable. This one person can teach you so much, can show you the way by leading you astray. This one person can open your heart so wide with love that sometimes it hurts. It hurts because all of these emotions that I have kept inside my heart for so very long are pushing to come out all at once.

How is it possible that I can feel so much, so many emotions, so deeply, for so long due to this one person? I never imagined that anything like this existed. The intensity, the duration, the difficulty of letting it all go, working through every memory and the emotion attached to each of those memories in order to release the energy, to release the sadness in the happiness, to release the anger in the pride, to release the loneliness in the love.

This one person might be an important one person in my life but it may not be the time for me to be an important one person in their life. And maybe, just maybe, I might need to consider that I need to let this one person go. Again.

Letting go doesn't mean that I've given up hope or lost faith or that I am at odds with whatever may be. Letting go is part of accepting what is, in order to ease my suffering. Accepting what is does not mean that I've given up hope. Easing my suffering does not mean that I am being selfish. I am taking care of myself, taking care of my heart and taking care of those emotions, one by one, that are pouring out of my heart.

It's time that my heart had a rest. It has been carrying a lot of heaviness inside of it for so very long. I think my heart deserves a break, and not in the way that it is used to. I am going to experience a heart (space) break…no more heartbreak. And the heart said, "It will be good for all of us."

When you think there is no hope to be had anywhere for anything, you will find me. I will be there with hope in my heart, no matter how small a flame, so that you may light your own fire of hope again.

Self-Love

"Pay attention to me!" she screams. I ignore her and go to work, go to yoga, spend time with my friends and, basically, spend time doing anything that doesn't involve her. But she's hurting and needs my attention. The problem is that I don't know how to pay attention to her, how to meet her needs. Do I read to her? Play games with her? Take her for a pedicure? No, those aren't the things she needs. She needs to feel loved, safe, appreciated and cared for. How do I help her feel those things? What do I say? What do I do? I'm confused and don't understand. I'm an intelligent gal but I don't know the answer to this one and it's bothering me. I need to take care of her - she is me - but I'm struggling to come up with a way to do that.

The Importance of Pets

Some time ago I was in to see a counsellor (not my usual one) and she invited me to write a piece for a presentation the she and her co-worker were doing. The subject was about pets and how important a pet can be in a person's life, especially a person with a mental illness. Having just lost my BFF Kalvin and knowing that I enjoy writing, the counsellor thought that it would be a good opportunity for me to get some "stuff" out, to help the healing process along. So I sat on my bed with Kalvin's picture on my bedside table and I wrote. And I cried. And it hurt. It hurt yet it felt good to hurt like that and to let it go, to release it into the ethers of the Universe. I would like to share with you how important my pet, my dog, my BFF Kalvin was (and still is) to me.

If you're a romantic like me, you spend your life searching for someone, THE one. I never expected to find the unconditional love and support that I needed in a furry four legged creature. Kalvin found me and found a way into my home and into my heart. When I was depressed and crying he was there licking my tears, literally. When I needed a hug, he was there, all 100 and some pounds of him, in my lap. When I felt and thought that life just wasn't worth living anymore, he was there, nudging my hand. He was the one that needed me to go on with my battle, to be strong and persevere. On my darkest days the last thought I always had was "If I was gone who would feed Kalvin?" When I met Kalvin I never dreamed of how important he would become to me, to my life, how critical his presence would be to mine.

In the last few months of Kalvin's life I became critical to his presence.  He needed bandaging, his hearing was going and almost overnight he lost his vision. He moved slower and sometimes stumbled. But he adapted and persevered and remained strong. He went on with his battle until it was too much for both of us to bear. When his tail no longer wagged in happiness and joy, and the light was gone from his eyes, I knew that it was time for us to say goodbye.

My life will never be the same. There will always be a hole in my heart, a piece of my soul missing without his giant physical presence in my life, my small home, what used to be our home. Some people will say that I've lost a pet but I have lost so much more. I've lost my sidekick, my best friend, the only constant in my ever changing life. I know what being alone feels like and now I know what loneliness feels like. But I go on with my battle. I lived for Kalvin and I will continue to live for him, wake up for him, walk for him, run for him. He was my everything and now, without him, I must be strong, adapt, and persevere just as he did when life became difficult for him.