The Bitter Endings

One of my favourite sayings is "There are no endings, only new beginnings." However, I do believe that there are endings in there somewhere — the bitter endings. Like the shampoo or conditioner that you know is in the bottle still but won't come out. The last tiny chunk of bar soap that is still useful but oh so slippery and hard to hold onto. The split ends of your otherwise gorgeous hair.

Like all of these things, love has a bitter end. And, like the shampoo or conditioner that you know is still left in the bottle, you try to squeeze the last bitter ends out of it. You add water and shake it up and, although you do get some of the shampoo (or love) out, it is watered down and not as effective as it is at full-strength.

The bitter ends of love can be painful, frustrating, cleansing, cathartic, or just plain shit. Too much water, too much shaking, too much squeezing has caused there to be little of value left in the love you tried so hard to sustain, to keep going until the last drop is gone. It happens. But what is it worth to you as a lover? How hard should you work to get to the bitter end? How much strain should you put on something that is coming to an end anyway? You know it's ending, you see it, you feel it, you hear it, you FEEL it. There's less — less of everything that there used to be so much more of — affection, talking, agreeing, compromising, meals together, sincere apologies. And there's more of everything there used to be less of — arguing, crying, disagreeing, silence, bitterness, meaningless apologies.

Where do you go from the bitter end? Why, into a new beginning of course! It's a tough transition, difficult to let go of something, of someone and reach for something new and different to take up your thoughts, time, energy. But if you reach for something that you know is love, like an activity or a new hobby, or a new lifestyle, the transition from the bitter end into the new beginning will be less painful, less empty, more enjoyable, more fulfilling.

Reach for that new beginning as if your life depends on it. Reach far, reach strong, reach confidently. And then release the bitter ending as if it didn't exist. I will be there for you, to hold your hand, to help you reach, to make you reach for that new beginning that you desire but are scared to face alone. Someone will be there for you, with you, when you leave that bitter ending behind and turn towards the new beginning. I promise you that. And I don't make promises lightly, or hardly at all.

Reach for what you want, for what you know makes you happy, not bitter. Reach for your desire and leave the bitterness behind. It doesn't serve a purpose in your new beginning. It will only hold you back, prevent you from experiencing the best new beginning you've had thus far in your lifetime. Reach for your dream and hold on tight because you know you're going to be in for a great wild ride!

The Things You Don't Know

Sometimes there are questions that we don't want to know the answers to. Don't ask something unless you want to know the answer, right? Sometimes there are questions that we want to ask but aren't sure how. Sometimes answers to our unasked questions come out in conversation. Does it hurt less or more to know the answer this way? I haven't quite decided that yet.

Emotions, for me, don't usually take a back seat. They are like a back seat driver in the front seat —  a really crappy navigator sometimes, other times a really great navigator. When answers show themselves, I need some time to process. Conversations face to face turn to texting or emails because it's easier that way. You can face the truth without having to face the person. Technology is great for that, I suppose. No one can see the pain in my face, how my heart plummets to the pit of my stomach, how sometimes I want to vomit because I don't know what else to do. I swallow the pain down, hoping to digest it instead of actually having to process it, feel it, work through it.

And then there are people that never show me their true self face to face, for whatever reason. They remain hidden, like the stuff in that closet that if I open the door to, it will all come tumbling out in a huge heap at my feet. Not skeletons, just stuff. Maybe it needs to be sorted through, maybe it needs to stay hidden. Maybe opening the closet will open Pandora's box and unleash who knows what upon me. It's the fear of the unknown that makes me lose patience with myself, with others. It doesn't take much to ruin a good thing. Hopefully, as a mature, honest and communicative adult, good things won't be ruined.

There are good people and good friendships that I have formed in my life over the past few months that, though I don't understand the person, I would be sad if things were to change for the worse. We all have our issues, our closet full of junk that would be best sorted out, but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, the question shouldn't be asked but the answer should be known. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let friendships remain as they are, or put them on hold until the time is right. It's difficult for me to do this, to decide what to do, where to go, what to ask, what to say, when to stay silent.

Where does my stuff end and their stuff begin? Will it ever be the right time? Or is this the right time? Is this the time to just leave things as they are and go on about my life, as I want to live it? I think that it is about me living my life. Take things as they come, do what I need to do for me. I know what is right for me, what isn't right for me.

I recently adopted a dog named Penny. I call her my lucky Penny but the real question is who saved who? She will never replace my beloved Kalvin in spirit or in space but she is an amazing companion that is there for me, unconditionally. Which is what I love about pets, in general. There is that unconditional love and trust, the faith in me that I will make the best choices for them. It's a huge responsibility but I take it on wholeheartedly. I don't know what's best for anyone, sometimes not even for me. But pets have simple needs — food, water, shelter, attention. I can handle that and anything else above and beyond that is a gift, for me and for them. And sometimes it works this way for humans, too.

Everyone that comes into our life appears for a reason. I've learned so many lessons about myself and about others, the more people that I meet. And sometimes, more questions arise the more people I meet. I appreciate this gift. It is sometimes the things that you don't know that are the most important, the questions that you don't ask that lead to more answers, if that makes any sense. Not a lot makes sense to me right now. I'm struggling to find my place in life and in love, all at the same time. Yeah, I should probably focus on one at a time, but I see life as a project and love as a gift. Both take work and both can be very satisfying if you take the "right" approach. It's tricky to navigate the maze of both, though, and both can be heartbreaking. I would like to think that, after everything I have experienced up to this point in my life, it has prepared me for what is yet to come. If it hasn't, then what is yet to come will prepare me for that which is STILL yet to come…I hope.

Usually by the end of my typing, I reach an answer to my question that I started out with. Tonight, though, I think I started with an answer and created questions. Maybe it's time to deal with that closet of stuff that I've been squishing the door closed on. Maybe it's time to unpack and analyze what's worth salvaging and what isn't. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to unwrap my wounds and take a look at how they are healing. It won't hurt…much…I hope.

Shout Out to the Sensitive People

I've come to realize, and stubbornly accept, that I am a sensitive person. This is not something good or bad, negative or positive; it just is. I can't change that I'm sensitive but I am learning about ways to manage my sensitivity, just like I've learned ways to manage my depression and anxiety. It's like potty training, for your emotions.

Most of my information these days is gleaned from Facebook, much to my dismay. I realized today that I've saved quite a few posts on Facebook related to being a sensitive person so I thought that I would share a few links and memes (is that what those are called?) with you here, all in one spot, throughout my ramblings. I hope that you find these links helpful. If any of them are broken please let me know and I will update or remove them.

For all you readers out there that are sensitive, the first step, as with anything else, is accepting that you are sensitive. Embrace and embody that part of you. It can be a wonderful thing and I think the world needs more sensitivity. We are good people! Can I get a WHOOT WHOOT!?

I was, and still am, one to cry over almost everything. It's embarrassing to cry whenever I feel an emotion - happiness, sadness, anger, frustration. It makes it very difficult to communicate through hiccups, sobs and snotty snorts. But there's good news! Crying means you are mentally tough! Ronda Rousey says she cries before every match. I will take that one as a win, for sure!

I have learned that crying is cathartic. It releases a lot of my emotions and after a good cry, either in bed or in the shower, I usually feel pretty damn good. Like I can face the world and conquer whatever it throws in my path. So, cry, I say. Show your tears proudly, just make sure they aren't crocodile tears. No one likes a faker.

Often, sensitive people are introverts (or vice versa) or shy. Knowing whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, or whether your friend is an introvert or extravert can help immensely in relationships and life, in general. Like when you go to a party together, or the bar, or the grocery store, or the newly opened Wacky Wings on a Saturday night.

Introvert Doodles

A wonderful resource for sensitive people is Doreen Virtue's website and books. She offers ways to manage your sensitive energy, chakra clearing, stress management techniques, and assertiveness advice, to name a few. Another great author/speaker is Eckhart Tolle. Overthinking is something that isn't limited to the brains of sensitive people. Tolle speaks and writes of mindfulness and being in the present moment, which is something that, in today's fast paced world, a lot of people don't do. It often leads to sleep difficulties, negative thoughts, lack of self-care and just a plain old stone cold heart, eventually.

So if you are a sensitive person (or even an HSP - highly-sensitive person), fear not because the world needs us. We are a special breed that keep the peace and wipe the tears and put on the bandaids while others kick sand our faces. It's not an easy job to be a sensitive person but it's a necessary one. Through knowledge and perseverance we can keep the balance of this world right. Through compassion and understanding we can make the world a better place. So wear your heart on your sleeve proudly but learn how to protect it from the elements. Shine up your chakras and keep them cleared, put those protective crystals in your pocket or around your neck or wrist and step up to the challenge of being sensitive. We are all here to support each other and love each other!

Namaste


More interesting resources:
People react to being called beautiful
The Five Thinking Traps (Facebook link)
Gary Vaynerchuk YouTube (explicit language)
Ways to Lower Your Cortisol Levels and Your Anxiety
Things to Remember When You Are Having Negative Thoughts
Things to Remember When Going Through Tough Times
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