Thursday, January 19, 2017

The Bitter Endings

One of my favourite sayings is "There are no endings, only new beginnings." However, I do believe that there are endings in there somewhere — the bitter endings. Like the shampoo or conditioner that you know is in the bottle still but won't come out. The last tiny chunk of bar soap that is still useful but oh so slippery and hard to hold onto. The split ends of your otherwise gorgeous hair.

Like all of these things, love has a bitter end. And, like the shampoo or conditioner that you know is still left in the bottle, you try to squeeze the last bitter ends out of it. You add water and shake it up and, although you do get some of the shampoo (or love) out, it is watered down and not as effective as it is at full-strength.

The bitter ends of love can be painful, frustrating, cleansing, cathartic, or just plain shit. Too much water, too much shaking, too much squeezing has caused there to be little of value left in the love you tried so hard to sustain, to keep going until the last drop is gone. It happens. But what is it worth to you as a lover? How hard should you work to get to the bitter end? How much strain should you put on something that is coming to an end anyway? You know it's ending, you see it, you feel it, you hear it, you FEEL it. There's less — less of everything that there used to be so much more of — affection, talking, agreeing, compromising, meals together, sincere apologies. And there's more of everything there used to be less of — arguing, crying, disagreeing, silence, bitterness, meaningless apologies.

Where do you go from the bitter end? Why, into a new beginning of course! It's a tough transition, difficult to let go of something, of someone and reach for something new and different to take up your thoughts, time, energy. But if you reach for something that you know is love, like an activity or a new hobby, or a new lifestyle, the transition from the bitter end into the new beginning will be less painful, less empty, more enjoyable, more fulfilling.

Reach for that new beginning as if your life depends on it. Reach far, reach strong, reach confidently. And then release the bitter ending as if it didn't exist. I will be there for you, to hold your hand, to help you reach, to make you reach for that new beginning that you desire but are scared to face alone. Someone will be there for you, with you, when you leave that bitter ending behind and turn towards the new beginning. I promise you that. And I don't make promises lightly, or hardly at all.

Reach for what you want, for what you know makes you happy, not bitter. Reach for your desire and leave the bitterness behind. It doesn't serve a purpose in your new beginning. It will only hold you back, prevent you from experiencing the best new beginning you've had thus far in your lifetime. Reach for your dream and hold on tight because you know you're going to be in for a great wild ride!

Sunday, January 15, 2017

The Things You Don't Know

Sometimes there are questions that we don't want to know the answers to. Don't ask something unless you want to know the answer, right? Sometimes there are questions that we want to ask but aren't sure how. Sometimes answers to our unasked questions come out in conversation. Does it hurt less or more to know the answer this way? I haven't quite decided that yet.

Emotions, for me, don't usually take a back seat. They are like a back seat driver in the front seat —  a really crappy navigator sometimes, other times a really great navigator. When answers show themselves, I need some time to process. Conversations face to face turn to texting or emails because it's easier that way. You can face the truth without having to face the person. Technology is great for that, I suppose. No one can see the pain in my face, how my heart plummets to the pit of my stomach, how sometimes I want to vomit because I don't know what else to do. I swallow the pain down, hoping to digest it instead of actually having to process it, feel it, work through it.

And then there are people that never show me their true self face to face, for whatever reason. They remain hidden, like the stuff in that closet that if I open the door to, it will all come tumbling out in a huge heap at my feet. Not skeletons, just stuff. Maybe it needs to be sorted through, maybe it needs to stay hidden. Maybe opening the closet will open Pandora's box and unleash who knows what upon me. It's the fear of the unknown that makes me lose patience with myself, with others. It doesn't take much to ruin a good thing. Hopefully, as a mature, honest and communicative adult, good things won't be ruined.

There are good people and good friendships that I have formed in my life over the past few months that, though I don't understand the person, I would be sad if things were to change for the worse. We all have our issues, our closet full of junk that would be best sorted out, but sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, the question shouldn't be asked but the answer should be known. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let friendships remain as they are, or put them on hold until the time is right. It's difficult for me to do this, to decide what to do, where to go, what to ask, what to say, when to stay silent.

Where does my stuff end and their stuff begin? Will it ever be the right time? Or is this the right time? Is this the time to just leave things as they are and go on about my life, as I want to live it? I think that it is about me living my life. Take things as they come, do what I need to do for me. I know what is right for me, what isn't right for me.

I recently adopted a dog named Penny. I call her my lucky Penny but the real question is who saved who? She will never replace my beloved Kalvin in spirit or in space but she is an amazing companion that is there for me, unconditionally. Which is what I love about pets, in general. There is that unconditional love and trust, the faith in me that I will make the best choices for them. It's a huge responsibility but I take it on wholeheartedly. I don't know what's best for anyone, sometimes not even for me. But pets have simple needs — food, water, shelter, attention. I can handle that and anything else above and beyond that is a gift, for me and for them. And sometimes it works this way for humans, too.

Everyone that comes into our life appears for a reason. I've learned so many lessons about myself and about others, the more people that I meet. And sometimes, more questions arise the more people I meet. I appreciate this gift. It is sometimes the things that you don't know that are the most important, the questions that you don't ask that lead to more answers, if that makes any sense. Not a lot makes sense to me right now. I'm struggling to find my place in life and in love, all at the same time. Yeah, I should probably focus on one at a time, but I see life as a project and love as a gift. Both take work and both can be very satisfying if you take the "right" approach. It's tricky to navigate the maze of both, though, and both can be heartbreaking. I would like to think that, after everything I have experienced up to this point in my life, it has prepared me for what is yet to come. If it hasn't, then what is yet to come will prepare me for that which is STILL yet to come…I hope.

Usually by the end of my typing, I reach an answer to my question that I started out with. Tonight, though, I think I started with an answer and created questions. Maybe it's time to deal with that closet of stuff that I've been squishing the door closed on. Maybe it's time to unpack and analyze what's worth salvaging and what isn't. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to unwrap my wounds and take a look at how they are healing. It won't hurt…much…I hope.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

The Sound of a Broken Heart

Making new friends isn't easy. Keeping friends is even more difficult. Putting it all out there, trusting, having faith in another person, it's all very confusing and takes work - sometimes a lot of effort, sometimes very little effort. Loving someone, on the other hand, seems so easy for me, though.  I'm not talking about being in love, or falling in love, with someone. Just loving someone, wanting nothing but happiness, joy, peace and love for them, no matter where they are in life. When people treat you like crap, it's not because they love you. Sometimes it's not even personal, this is just the way they treat people for whatever reason. Regardless, this can be a hard pill to swallow.

When I give someone all of the love that I can and they turn away from me, often it's because they don't feel worthy of the love that I am giving them. They don't feel that they deserve to be loved; instead they feel that they deserve to be treated like crap by someone that doesn't love them. It breaks my heart every time, not for my sake but for their sake. My heart breaks for them and I cry tears of sadness for them, that they are in such a state of mind that they are not accepting of and open to receiving love. I'm not asking everyone to love me in return. I'm asking them to love themselves and know that they are worthy and deserving of the love that I am, and others that respect them are, willing to give them.

I was listening to the radio today and a song by Brandi Carlile came on - The Things I Regret. I found the words to this song moving and they gave me a new perspective about something. In particular it was the following lyrics:
But I keep pressing forward with my feet to the ground, for a heart that is broken makes a beautiful sound.
So often we try to get over, ignore or forget the painful emotions that we experience, one being heartbreak.  The lines above from Brandi Carlile's song makes me think of embracing the feeling of a broken heart, listening to the sound of your heart no matter the state of your mind. A broken heart can be painful but it can also be empowering, mind-opening and hold valuable lessons. These lines spoke to me today when I heard them and I hope that they speak to you. Hear the sound of your broken heart (or your anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc.) and listen to that sound. That sound will guide you to a happier state of being, though it might not feel like it at the time.

Love has no limits.
Love is never-ending.
Love is all encompassing.
Love knows no boundaries.
Love shows no shame.
Love is. It just is.