Change is Afoot

The past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster for me as a big (anticipated, yearly) change is coming up.  I am being laid off of work. Now we all know from my previous posts that I don't handle change well.  Even if it is anticipated and has happened before.  Just something about me that I haven't quite mastered yet.  It will come, just like everything else I have worked on.  As long as I don't get distracted....which I just did after that sentence before this one.  Totally forgot what I was doing here. So back to where I was. Change. I only work 9 months of the year (for now), so every Spring I get laid off and every Fall I come back.  I'm hoping to get something full-time eventually but for now, this is nice.  Summers off to realign myself spiritually, physically and mentally while still looking for the job that will pay the bills and keep me happy all year, not just part of the year.

This next change is a biggie. In emailing with a friend I have come across an interesting discovery.  Call it a revelation of sorts?  The trigger of the intense emotions I feel when I am training for running have been discovered.  When I go training I start out good but then after I run/walk for a bit I start to get angry.  I've realized that it's all the voices (distorted thoughts) in my head comparing me to others, telling my I'm fat and lazy and I can't do this so why am I even trying, that I should be at home sleeping or doing something fun that lead to this intense anger. It doesn't matter where I jog or with whom, the distorted thoughts are louder than anything else; it makes me angry. It makes me angry that they are there.  It makes me angry that they are so loud.  And it makes me angry that I can't outrun them...yet.

I'm planning on joining a gym in May, work on my cardio and do some strength training. Maybe I won't be able to reach my goal of being able to jog the whole 5K at the beginning of June but I will finish the race. Then I will keep training for the 5K race in September and see what happens. One step at a time.  Eventually I will not only outrun the demons in my head but I will change how they see me.  Soon I will be no longer be worried about my progress compared to others, I will be more confident than ever in my skin and I will know that I CAN do this!  Just like anything that is worth doing, it will be a struggle and I will have setbacks but I must persevere.  Being able to run 5K is a goal that is important to me and I need to build that into my schedule.  If nothing else, I will have developed a healthy exercise routine so that when I go back to work in August I will have a better lifestyle.

On a side note, there is an interesting blog I've come across by Seth Godin and I find today's entry thought provoking. Enjoy! : )