I'm glad to be home with my parents for a few days over Christmas, as stressful as I find packing and driving with the dog whining in the back seat most of the 4 hour drive. There's always plenty of food and wine and lots of goodies to go back to the city with me!
I had lots of time to think while I was driving to my childhood home. It's been a rough go of things the past month and a bit. My dad came to visit at the end of November, as my grandma had a doctor appointment. This was shortly after I started feeling down, and I thought that would help me feel better. I ended up feeling very homesick after he left which only accelerated my sinking mood. Then my mom came, also for a doctor appointment. My aunt came with her and it's always fun with those two (even more fun when you add my mom's other sister!) but that didn't seem to lift my mood either.
Following this, my partner and I had some problems that we couldn't resolve. We mutually agreed that we can't be the emotionally support that each other needs in a partner at this point in our lives. I have my plateful and he has his plateful. Maybe we can go for dessert after we have cleaned our plates? I had a difficult time getting through the week after that conversation without having some seriously dark thoughts. I scared myself so i wont share them here. I was reminded of my struggle in high school. Yes, over a boy. Why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable and love so easily? Love is free but I don't seem to be getting back what I put out there. But I keep doin' it.
It's hard to leave the emotional attachment behind and to imagine life without someone who, despite the bad times, lifted me up so high in the good times. I don't want to go back to a life without him. The bad times are worth it and the bad times should be happening less and less if he is making progress with clearing his plate. And if I'm making progress clearing my plate also...
I've been thinking hard about the past 2 months and wondering what is changing/has changed to lead me down this slippery slope. A few weeks ago i started yoga. Last week I started running again. My goal is once a week right now. I'm also on an additional medication, Wellbutrin at noon, on top of my Effexor in the morning and Ativan as needed. I'm attending a group session that runs for 12 weeks; we are learning about mindfulness. Meanwhile I've been mindless: losing things, locking myself out of the house, forgetting where my friends live, etc. It was so bad I was actually worried about the 4 hour drive this weekend. I had to tell myself not to read the green signs as those signs made my mind wander. White and yellow signs, you know the road, where you need to turn and all that. No need to read the green signs. I lost my composure a few times and my eyes teared up, on the verge of a meltdown. I made it through, though. Maybe I've been eating too many sugary foods? I don't know...but that box of Whoppers was delicious yesterday.
I also realized it has been almost a year since I started my blog. In the new year I will be reflecting on the past year and sharing those thoughts. I'm glad you have stuck with me this far and I hope I've added something positive to your life. And if you don't know me, maybe one day you will. :) Have a safe and happy holiday season and be grateful for everything and everyone that you have in your life. Today, tomorrow and always. Namaste.
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