One Person

I attended a yoga retreat and went hiking over the weekend and, I do have to say, it was great for my heart and soul, not to mention my body! Needless to say I had a lot of time to reflect during and after both of these activities. When I took a look inside I was amazed at so many things that I have experienced, felt, done, communicated and accomplished over the past month.

I have been making sure to take time for self-care and, even though I may not be getting to bed at the time that I need to and even though some of my days are busier than others, I'm managing quite well. Yes, I come home from my new job and cry. Yes, I may still cry myself to sleep some nights. Or cry when I talk about certain events or conversations that have occurred in the not-so-distant past. But when I cry it's no longer an empty, depression filled moment where I'm wallowing in my own suckery (to coin a phrase from Jennifer Pastiloff). My tears are filled with relief, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration or love. So many emotions have welled up inside of me and are bursting at my seams, no longer caged in my heart like injured animals.

I have realized that in this short life that we live, all it takes is one person. One person yet so many interactions, discussions, encounters, and not only moments of laughter but also moments of tears, time spent together, time spent apart, sometimes in silence, sometimes close and sometimes with a distance between that seems immeasurable. This one person can teach you so much, can show you the way by leading you astray. This one person can open your heart so wide with love that sometimes it hurts. It hurts because all of these emotions that I have kept inside my heart for so very long are pushing to come out all at once.

How is it possible that I can feel so much, so many emotions, so deeply, for so long due to this one person? I never imagined that anything like this existed. The intensity, the duration, the difficulty of letting it all go, working through every memory and the emotion attached to each of those memories in order to release the energy, to release the sadness in the happiness, to release the anger in the pride, to release the loneliness in the love.

This one person might be an important one person in my life but it may not be the time for me to be an important one person in their life. And maybe, just maybe, I might need to consider that I need to let this one person go. Again.

Letting go doesn't mean that I've given up hope or lost faith or that I am at odds with whatever may be. Letting go is part of accepting what is, in order to ease my suffering. Accepting what is does not mean that I've given up hope. Easing my suffering does not mean that I am being selfish. I am taking care of myself, taking care of my heart and taking care of those emotions, one by one, that are pouring out of my heart.

It's time that my heart had a rest. It has been carrying a lot of heaviness inside of it for so very long. I think my heart deserves a break, and not in the way that it is used to. I am going to experience a heart (space) break…no more heartbreak. And the heart said, "It will be good for all of us."

When you think there is no hope to be had anywhere for anything, you will find me. I will be there with hope in my heart, no matter how small a flame, so that you may light your own fire of hope again.

Self-Love

"Pay attention to me!" she screams. I ignore her and go to work, go to yoga, spend time with my friends and, basically, spend time doing anything that doesn't involve her. But she's hurting and needs my attention. The problem is that I don't know how to pay attention to her, how to meet her needs. Do I read to her? Play games with her? Take her for a pedicure? No, those aren't the things she needs. She needs to feel loved, safe, appreciated and cared for. How do I help her feel those things? What do I say? What do I do? I'm confused and don't understand. I'm an intelligent gal but I don't know the answer to this one and it's bothering me. I need to take care of her - she is me - but I'm struggling to come up with a way to do that.

The Importance of Pets

Some time ago I was in to see a counsellor (not my usual one) and she invited me to write a piece for a presentation the she and her co-worker were doing. The subject was about pets and how important a pet can be in a person's life, especially a person with a mental illness. Having just lost my BFF Kalvin and knowing that I enjoy writing, the counsellor thought that it would be a good opportunity for me to get some "stuff" out, to help the healing process along. So I sat on my bed with Kalvin's picture on my bedside table and I wrote. And I cried. And it hurt. It hurt yet it felt good to hurt like that and to let it go, to release it into the ethers of the Universe. I would like to share with you how important my pet, my dog, my BFF Kalvin was (and still is) to me.

If you're a romantic like me, you spend your life searching for someone, THE one. I never expected to find the unconditional love and support that I needed in a furry four legged creature. Kalvin found me and found a way into my home and into my heart. When I was depressed and crying he was there licking my tears, literally. When I needed a hug, he was there, all 100 and some pounds of him, in my lap. When I felt and thought that life just wasn't worth living anymore, he was there, nudging my hand. He was the one that needed me to go on with my battle, to be strong and persevere. On my darkest days the last thought I always had was "If I was gone who would feed Kalvin?" When I met Kalvin I never dreamed of how important he would become to me, to my life, how critical his presence would be to mine.

In the last few months of Kalvin's life I became critical to his presence.  He needed bandaging, his hearing was going and almost overnight he lost his vision. He moved slower and sometimes stumbled. But he adapted and persevered and remained strong. He went on with his battle until it was too much for both of us to bear. When his tail no longer wagged in happiness and joy, and the light was gone from his eyes, I knew that it was time for us to say goodbye.

My life will never be the same. There will always be a hole in my heart, a piece of my soul missing without his giant physical presence in my life, my small home, what used to be our home. Some people will say that I've lost a pet but I have lost so much more. I've lost my sidekick, my best friend, the only constant in my ever changing life. I know what being alone feels like and now I know what loneliness feels like. But I go on with my battle. I lived for Kalvin and I will continue to live for him, wake up for him, walk for him, run for him. He was my everything and now, without him, I must be strong, adapt, and persevere just as he did when life became difficult for him.