One Day (at a Time, Again)

I took a day off work today. I wasn't sure what to do but I managed to find a lot of things to fill my day. Sleeping until 10 am was a good start. I'm working on a timer system today. Washed dishes with the timer for 30 minutes. Did some computer stuff with the timer for 15 minutes. Blogging with the timer for 15 minutes (okay, I don't really think that I can put a timer on for a blog entry but I'm going with the plan for now).

I've been spending a lot of my free time alone in the past few weeks. It's been interesting "dating myself". I've peeled back few layers and found some interesting things. One of my more enlightening discoveries is that I am a chronic under estimator. Here's a list of the things I underestimate about myself:

• time (to get ready, to get somewhere, to do something, etc)
• energy/effort (to accomplish day-to-day tasks as well as larger projects)
• skills and talents

You can see a pattern here. In general I under estimate myself. I have tried positive affirmations and exercise and setting small goals and "going inside". And today I have tried the timer technique. At the end of the day I have to accept that one thing won't work every time and everything won't work at one time. (And my timer has just beeped at me. At this moment in time I have a decision to make: do I set the timer again, or stop right here and do the next thing on my list? Add another 15 minutes on the clock.) 

In talking with my psychiatrist I brought up the various tools that I have found to be helpful. She explained to me the importance of understanding, realizing and accepting that what works for many other people (positive affirmations) might not work as well or as often for me as it does for others. Positive affirmations do serve a purpose for me and that purpose is to bring me into the moment. When my collection of quotes is flipping by on my iPhone or Apple TV one always catches my eye in that moment. So I reflect on what it means to me in that moment. Where am I? Where am I going? How is this quote relative to my journey at this moment? AT THIS MOMENT. Not in the big picture, but right now. Right this very breath, heart beat, pulse, brainwave, etc.

When discussing my chronic underestimating with my counsellor we devised a plan — overestimate. Overestimating will hopefully land me right where I need to be. It seems simple in theory, as do most of my plans. And really it makes sense when budgeting, because for "time" at least, that is what I'm doing. In my first draft of my semi-annual financial budgets I tend to underestimate my income and over estimate my expenses. Not by a huge amount, but just enough to be "safe".  I've been doing my best to put overestimating into practice with my habit of being punctually late — you can always rely on me to be 15 minutes late so tell me you want me there 15 minutes earlier than you REALLY want me there! It seems to be starting off well. Not exceptionally well but not a complete and utter failure.  I do believe that focussing on overestimating time will help to relax my expectations of myself and others and to improve my self-confidence. Small successes should be celebrated.  :)

Here's to the timer technique and succeeding at overestimation!

Cure for Love

Came across these interesting articles through PsychCentral on New Scientist

Cure for love: Chemical cures for the lovesick

Cure for love: Should we take anti-love drugs?

Cure for love: Fall for a robot to fend off heartache

Cure for love: Sex with a mantis ends in dinner

Think we can cure love with drugs, robots and eating our mate? Let me know your thoughts after reading any or all of the articles! LOL! :P

The Strength in Being Vulnerable

Being self-sufficient is important but there are times when you need to let other people help you. That dreaded “f” word – feelings – is important. It's hard to let go when you sense that someone cares for you more than they let on or want to admit to themselves. When someone puts up with my negative moods (medical induced or otherwise) and tries to help me stay out of those negative moods this says a lot about their character. Maybe they do have a lot of scars and are scared to love another person, but we all have scars and we are all scared. The important thing about having scars is to do your best not to let them stop you from showing your love or from being vulnerable, no matter the risk of getting another scar.

There are so many ways that someone can contribute to any relationship. Maybe you don't see all the ways you can contribute or maybe you just see yourself as unable to contribute in a particular way. Speaking from my own personal experience, knowing that I can’t take anyone's pain away makes me feel helpless. Most of the time I recognized that there were (and hopefully still are) other ways that I can offer help. It is those little things that I offer (the ones that someone might laugh at because they think it is cute) - being there for your stubborn ass whether you wanted me to be or not.

At a time when I had given up hope on humanity, you taught me that there are people out there that hold within them the things that I am looking for in a person. You offered me the unconditional love of a friend and support and advice whether my stubborn, moody ass wanted to hear it or not. By sharing your good days and your bad days with me you have shown me the strength in being vulnerable. All of these things in a person are worth more to me than anyone can ever imagine.

If you are trying to hold on tight to something that you need to let go of, ask the other person to be open and honest with you and with themself about how they feel. Wouldn't you rather know the truth, even if it is going to hurt, so that you can move forward, with or without the other person as part of your life? There is strength in being vulnerable and I am more than willing to show my vulnerability in the hopes that others will see it as a strength.