The Dog Days of Summer

Seems I've been slacking on my blogs lately. Difficult to blog using the iPad as I can't find an app for this blog site but I will make due for anyone that's following me out there! Lol! Pardon the lack of paragraphing. Seems that though I am making paragraphs it's not working in the blog! Things have been going well since the introduction of the new medication. I'm now on 250 mg of venlafaxine and have been for some time now. It seems to be doing the trick aside from those moody blue days due to hormonal craziness. I really don't think hormonal craziness should cause me to stay in bed crying for 2 days but I will bring that up with my psychiatrist in August. It also helps that I've found a supportive, loving, caring, sensitive, understanding partner. I'm glad that I was on level ground before he found me so that I can see my progress and also see where he supports and aids in my progress as two separate things. I would not want to rely on someone else for my happiness and this is not th case in this relationship. That in itself makes it different from most of my past relationships. There tended to be a lot of "need" from either myself or my previous partners. There is only desire and want, support and help. Autonomy when desired and team work when needed. It is because of my current partner that I have taken up training to run a 5 km race. The first will be at the end of September but won't be a timed race unfortunately. My friends south of the border have indicated there might be one in their area in October some time. I'm looking forward to these events as difficult as the early training has been. After only a few sessions my knees, shins and ankles are aching. But I must persevere. One day at a time, one thing at a time. I'm also off to BC soon to visit my brother for a few weeks. This is causing some stress for me, as much as I'm looking forward to visiting with him and then stopping at our parents' house on the way back. I need to pack and get the house in order for the 4 different people that will be looking after my fur babies and the house. Find health care providers where I will be visiting in case something goes awry. Keep on my training schedule while I'm stressing out and while I'm away. On top of all the normal everyday things that I stress about. Why do I stress so much? One day at a time, one thing at a time. That being said, it's almost time for me to leave for my Mixed Anxiety group session. These have been interesting also. I've had lots to think about in the past 6-8 weeks while attending these group sessions. That will have to wait for another blog. :) I'm hoping to do some reflecting blogs also, on some things that I missed in past blogs. So lots to do again, of course. Pile it higher on my plate, like I do at the all you can eat buffets! Gotta get my money's worth out of food, life and love, it seems! ;)

Time to Catch Up Because I'm Stuck in my Head Today and it Feels Like a Good Day to Blog

Here I thought it was ages since I last blogged but it really hasn't been that long, I guess.  It feels like ages in my head.  Today is a difficult day in my head.  I'm trying to sort things out but they keep getting all muddled up again once I get some of them plucked out of the way.  Like ants crawling back into the ant hill after you diligently and carefully separate them from their hill and sort them by shades of colour or size or demeanor. Do ants even have demeanor?  Are any of them shy or introverted?  Or are they all social and extroverted?  Hmm...

Anyways, I digress.  I'm good at that today.  I'm supposed to be working on web page design today but I think I have accomplished almost everything but that.  I'm prepared to clean out underneath the kitchen sink today, even.  And now here I am blogging to procrastinate yet some more.  So these ants/thoughts that keep getting back together and messing my head up....yeah.  Why?  Where do I start sorting again?  Am I going about it wrong?  Am I thinking too much?  Am I looking at the wrong ants?  Am I trying to separate ants that should stay together?

I have been offered an amazing gift in my life quite recently and I'm struggling to accept it.  I feel that I am not deserving of it, not worthy of it.  I have found myself questioning the concrete practicality of it, waiting for it to be ripped away by someone or pushed away by me, just like in the past.  It's not meant to last forever, I tell myself, though I hope this time it is forever.  Something like this doesn't come along often and my fear of messing it up and my lack of confidence in who I am may just be the very thing that messes it up.  My ego would like to return the gift on a silver platter adorned with my fear and the comforting solitude I have created for myself.  My ego would like to keep me stuck in my story and my loneliness. I will not allow my ego to jeopardize this gift, to steal this gift from me.  This gift being offered is precious and should be handled with care, with gentle hands and a gentle heart.

In my ever changing emotional state do I accept this gift with grace and humility, protect this gift with my entire being without losing who I am?

I do.

Post-Psychiatrist Me

Friday was the day I finally got in to see a psychiatrist.  Earlier than expected and also earlier than anyone else could do for me.  Funny thing how I found her on my own and saw her before the system could set something up for me.

She was great!  Understanding, patient, listened, explained, asked questioned, let me ask questions.  I am on the first week of new meds right now.  Well, not totally new.  What she did was keep me on my current drug fluoxetine (aka Prozac) but took me down from 40 mg/day to 20 mg/day.  To this she has added 37.5 mg/day of venlafaxine (aka Effexor) for 5 days and then after 5 days take 75 mg of the Effexor until I see her on May 8th. She also prescribed lorazepam (aka Ativan) to help with general anxiety disorder.  It's a teeny tiny pill that I take when I first feel the onset of panic or anxiety symptoms.  It dissolves under the tongue and can be taken as needed in intervals of 3 hours up to 3 pills a day.

I postponed taking my new pills yesterday because I was scared.  I'm scared they will change me, change who I am.  I like me; I just don't like being sad, anxious and/or angry all the time for no apparent reason. (I did take them though, so not to worry!) I wake up with anxiety some mornings, other morning I awake angry, and others yet sad and crying.  How do I control that when these feelings are there before I'm even conscious in the morning?  Someone told me just stop crying.  Stop being sad.  Go back to the person you were a year ago if it was simpler then.  HOW???

To all of you that are reading this and see me or talk to me on a regular basis please let me know about the changes that are happening, if any, to me.  I might not notice them but you probably will.  And thank you to all of you for reading and accompanying me on my journey. Your support and understanding is greatly appreciated in more ways than you could ever know!

If you have any questions please feel free to email me.  I could maybe answer them in a blog for you or help you find some answers somewhere else.  We can all learn from each other and help each other in some way or another and if you are looking for someone to reach out to please use the resources in your community, your friends and your family.  Build a support system that will benefit you, not deter you from becoming able to live with your mental illness or whatever the case may be.

I love you all and I hope that this is the start of a new journey in a positive direction for me.  Stay tuned for updates and maybe some back issues that I never got to post! LOL! Namaste!