My First "Low/No Tech Day"

Upon hearing about a friend's "no cell phone" family reunion it made me think about how much I rely on my devices to be "connected" to the world and my friends. Sometime ago I enrolled in Debbie Ford's book study called "21 Day Consciousness Cleanse" which requires that you limit your electronic connection to the world. I have yet to complete the study but I intend to during my next hiatus since this one is almost over. Also, in the event that I need to attend the one month intake program with CAMH next summer, I will be required to go one month without the use of any electronics/internet connection. This worried me at the beginning of the summer when I found this out and it was possible that I would need to attend CAMH this summer.

I decided to challenge myself to go 24 hours without accessing any electronics (radio, iPad, iPhone, Mac, Apple TV, etc.). I sometimes have "no TV days" and "no driving days" but this one was new for me. So I did it. Beginning at midnight August 21 I turned off all my electronics and went "Low/No Tech" for 24 hours. Instead of starting every sentence with "I have to admit..." I'm just going to make a list.

I have to admit that:

• Within 5 minutes of shutting off my laptop, iPhone and iPad, I felt some anxiety, which lasted for about half an hour
• Upon waking I felt the same anxiety for a bit
• It was difficult at first but it got easier as the day went on
• I got a lot accomplished without needing to be "connected" to the rest of the world (my landline was still available and my friends could contact me that way if they chose to)
• I did use an iPhone but it wasn't mine and I was trying to help a friend figure out something on her iPhone (was this cheating?)
• I did get distracted by TV at my friend's house even though it was on mute (is THIS cheating?)
• The following day when I was back "online" I got really frustrated with my electronics

This challenge really made me think about how I have become so reliant on technology and how it seems to rule my life. I become obsessed with checking my phone for emails, texts, notifications, etc. What did I miss in those 24 hours? Not a hell of a lot actually. Facebook continued on without me and there were no emergency emails or text that needed to be addressed. I actually enjoyed having 24 hours without access to technology. I have decided to do this once a week - disconnect to reconnect as one of my friends said. And it's true. In order to reconnect with ourselves we must disconnect with other things sometimes.

I challenge you to disconnect for 24 hours. See what it brings out in you. See what you discover within yourself. :)

Namaste

The Layers of Depression (no, not onion)

The more I learn about myself and how my brain processes things and how I handle my thoughts, the less I feel that I know. I've been struggling with a few things this summer and it has come to my attention that as soon as I get in tune with one layer of my depression, another layer comes galloping out, guns blazing as I stand frozen in a stupefied mental state. One step forward, two steps back.

Since I started my "new" medication two and a half years ago (and had another medication added to it in the meantime), have been taking part in an outpatient program and seeing a psychiatrist regularly, the layers are slowly being revealed to me. First, it was the depression itself: how to manage it, what my triggers were and how to change my thought process. Once that seemed to be as much under control as possible, anxiety reared its ugly head and wanted to be centre stage. So again I learned, this time Anxiety 101: again, how to manage it, what my triggers were and how to change my thought process. Now that my anxiety issues seem to be manageable, for the most part, I'm realizing that behind the curtains there are obsessive thoughts. Almost OCD, but not quite. Maybe borderline? But I haven't brought this up with my psychiatrist nor have I been diagnosed; I'm just poking around in there myself to see what's happening.

It's these obsessive thoughts that contribute to the anxiety and depression but now that the latter two are relatively quiet, the former is more audible, more noticeable, more dizzying, more distracting, more ANNOYING than ever!!! And to make it worse, I sometimes act on these obsessive thoughts, speak/text/email before analyzing these thoughts to determine the validity of them. These thoughts are getting in the way. This train needs to be derailed. It has been ruining, and will continue to ruin, relationships, friendships and anything else on the track to happiness.

The question is HOW do I derail these thoughts? Yes be aware, yes do my best to quiet them, yes do my best to turn them around. But if all that fails? Everyone get the *bleep* off the track. Consider yourself warned. ;)

I told you so...

Now

Started March 28/14

Razor blades, purple haze
It's my lucky day in hell.
I finally wrote a song for you
I guess we stop trying now.
It's a long drive

To somewhere only we know.

Say something,
I'm giving up on you.

Don't you want to go
To the time when we were bored and happy?
Don't you want to go
To the time when all the plans we'd make
Were laws we had yet to break?