Crazy or Sad?

Here’s why I think I’m crazy lately. Wait. Crazy or sad? Or both? I don't really know.  I’m not sleeping well, I’m constipated, I’m overwhelmed (still) with everything on my calendar, I’m emotional even when nothing warrants waves of emotion, I want to do things but I just think about them and don’t do them so I get frustrated and depressed, work is unfulfilling, I don’t have the energy or the concentration to play piano. And every day I yell at my pets because of all of this.

Maybe my meds aren't working. I don’t know. I just assume they are working. I never really think about it. I should have my shrink check into that. The constipation alone is enough to make anyone grumpy and there are other bad signs in there, too. My friends are worried. But I am pretty sure that it all has to do with too much on my calendar. When I have a night that I don’t have anything to do (like tonight), I do absolutely nothing. But I struggle with that. With it being okay to relax. I feel I need to be DOING something, accomplishing something for the good of the world, all the time. It’s a recurring theme at my counselling appointments. If I would have stayed at work today then I would have gone to yoga right from work. I feel empty...especially when I’m not DOING things.










I will go put my car in the garage and practice piano and do some stretching. Enough moping about for me. I will just sit here and cry if I keep doing this. Hopefully something will work tonight...

Let's Be Friends

In this day and age of social media the term "friends" has become overused, less meaningful and just plain boring. What does it mean to have over 1000 friends online? Or to have less than 60? Does it make you any more or less of a person? Any more or less "cool"?

I've come to look at social media as a place to air our, and others', dirty laundry. A place where we can find people that care, even if just for a brief moment in time (enough to type "so sorry to hear" or "like" your status or repost), about what is going on in our life, what our struggles are, what our beliefs are, what our celebrations are. In reality though, how many of those "friends" would stop their world for more than a brief moment in time, more than long enough to click "like" and pick up the phone or stop by to see how things really are? Maybe send a text and make sure you are okay or to congratulate you and ask a few more questions than would be appropriate on the "public domain".

I admit, I'm guilty of all of these non-interactive interactions that are available with the technology out there today. I try not to make use of them too often but I find it easier to communicate through writing/typing than through talking. I used to write letters…with a *gasp* pen and paper to convey my thoughts and emotions to those I care about in my life. Now it has been reduced to short snippets here and there via texting or a "like" and a "share" to let others know that I agree with what they agree with, which someone else waaaaaaay down the electronic line came up with. Granted a lot of the sayings that are shared have become important to me and they are used in my screen saver to remind me of things that I forget to tell myself.

This blog has become my journal of sorts to share with the online world. Like I've said before, I'm not sure who reads it, if anyone at all does, but that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I have put my heart out on the line to share my ideas, my feelings, my thoughts and parts of my life with others. It may be electronic and impersonal in a way but that in itself makes it easier for me to share. That also seems to make it easier for people to be bullies and to be bullied. But that's a whole other sensitive topic in itself.

I am going to reflect on my "friendships" and not feel guilty about unfriending people that aren't real in my life. I personally like to keep my friends under 100 and I am still careful about what I share these days, mores than in the past. Once it's out there on the inter web, it's out there forever, for all to see, even if you have the strictest privacy settings.  There will always be prying eyes that will take your words and construe them, take your thoughts and turn them against you. To call these people "friends" is a mis-statement.

So if you want to be friends, let's be friends. Let's be REAL friends.  The kind that get together every once in awhile (online if the distance is far) and shoot the shit, talk about real stuff and feel real feelings.  And maybe we won't have a lot of time for each other but we will know that the time we do have for each other is important. And in between those get togethers, if either of our worlds should fall apart, we will know that a simple phone call to hear the other's real voice on the end of the line, when we might feel at the end of our line, could make all the difference.

Thank you to all of my REAL friends for helping me when I was at the end of my line and thank you for the future moments when you will keep me from the end of my line.

Be love, my friends.

Looking for Help? You Don't Need to Look in Your Wallet!

In the many conversations that I have had with friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances over the years one thing has continuously come up. I thought I would share my findings with you as there may be more people out there that aren't aware of this. Here in Ontario you DO NOT have to pay for most types of counselling.

I'm sure that there are specific kinds of counsellors and programs that do cost but in all my years of treatment (and it's been a lot of years, a lot of doctors, a lot of referrals, a lot of counsellors, a lot of psychiatrists…you get my drift) I have NEVER had to pay a cent. This is one of the reasons that we pay provincial taxes! Granted our mental health care system is lagging far behind our physical health care system, which itself isn't that great, but there are options available to get you the help that you need. If you don't have an Employee Assistance Plan to hook you up with a counsellor there are numbers to call to speak with professionals who will get you the help that you need. Heck you can even drop me a line and I will pass on all my wisdom and advice that I have learned over the years that I don't use for myself. Just kidding, I do use it. Not as often as I should, though.

So to anyone out there in Blog Land who thinks that you are alone and things will never get better, that there is no one to talk to, that no one cares, remember this post. There are people and facilities to help you out at no cost to you. There are people that care. Even though I don't know who is out there reading this, I care about you. You are reading this blog for a reason whether it's because you know me or just to be a silent friend and read what goes on in my life in the hopes of helping yourself or a loved one.

Be well, my friends. Be safe and be strong. When in doubt, practice Random Acts of Kindness! And please don't be scared to ask for help. I will be there in spirit right beside you.

Some links you may find useful:
http://thunderbay.cmha.ca/programs_services/crisis-response-service/#.UghfhBaBBUQ
http://twloha.com
http://www.medhelp.org
http://zenhabits.net/11-ways-to-cure-someday-syndrome/
http://www.lifewithoutpants.com/no-time-make-time/
http://www.positivelypositive.com/2013/07/24/positive-procrastination-getting-stuff-done-intuitively/