Time to Catch Up Because I'm Stuck in my Head Today and it Feels Like a Good Day to Blog

Here I thought it was ages since I last blogged but it really hasn't been that long, I guess.  It feels like ages in my head.  Today is a difficult day in my head.  I'm trying to sort things out but they keep getting all muddled up again once I get some of them plucked out of the way.  Like ants crawling back into the ant hill after you diligently and carefully separate them from their hill and sort them by shades of colour or size or demeanor. Do ants even have demeanor?  Are any of them shy or introverted?  Or are they all social and extroverted?  Hmm...

Anyways, I digress.  I'm good at that today.  I'm supposed to be working on web page design today but I think I have accomplished almost everything but that.  I'm prepared to clean out underneath the kitchen sink today, even.  And now here I am blogging to procrastinate yet some more.  So these ants/thoughts that keep getting back together and messing my head up....yeah.  Why?  Where do I start sorting again?  Am I going about it wrong?  Am I thinking too much?  Am I looking at the wrong ants?  Am I trying to separate ants that should stay together?

I have been offered an amazing gift in my life quite recently and I'm struggling to accept it.  I feel that I am not deserving of it, not worthy of it.  I have found myself questioning the concrete practicality of it, waiting for it to be ripped away by someone or pushed away by me, just like in the past.  It's not meant to last forever, I tell myself, though I hope this time it is forever.  Something like this doesn't come along often and my fear of messing it up and my lack of confidence in who I am may just be the very thing that messes it up.  My ego would like to return the gift on a silver platter adorned with my fear and the comforting solitude I have created for myself.  My ego would like to keep me stuck in my story and my loneliness. I will not allow my ego to jeopardize this gift, to steal this gift from me.  This gift being offered is precious and should be handled with care, with gentle hands and a gentle heart.

In my ever changing emotional state do I accept this gift with grace and humility, protect this gift with my entire being without losing who I am?

I do.

Post-Psychiatrist Me

Friday was the day I finally got in to see a psychiatrist.  Earlier than expected and also earlier than anyone else could do for me.  Funny thing how I found her on my own and saw her before the system could set something up for me.

She was great!  Understanding, patient, listened, explained, asked questioned, let me ask questions.  I am on the first week of new meds right now.  Well, not totally new.  What she did was keep me on my current drug fluoxetine (aka Prozac) but took me down from 40 mg/day to 20 mg/day.  To this she has added 37.5 mg/day of venlafaxine (aka Effexor) for 5 days and then after 5 days take 75 mg of the Effexor until I see her on May 8th. She also prescribed lorazepam (aka Ativan) to help with general anxiety disorder.  It's a teeny tiny pill that I take when I first feel the onset of panic or anxiety symptoms.  It dissolves under the tongue and can be taken as needed in intervals of 3 hours up to 3 pills a day.

I postponed taking my new pills yesterday because I was scared.  I'm scared they will change me, change who I am.  I like me; I just don't like being sad, anxious and/or angry all the time for no apparent reason. (I did take them though, so not to worry!) I wake up with anxiety some mornings, other morning I awake angry, and others yet sad and crying.  How do I control that when these feelings are there before I'm even conscious in the morning?  Someone told me just stop crying.  Stop being sad.  Go back to the person you were a year ago if it was simpler then.  HOW???

To all of you that are reading this and see me or talk to me on a regular basis please let me know about the changes that are happening, if any, to me.  I might not notice them but you probably will.  And thank you to all of you for reading and accompanying me on my journey. Your support and understanding is greatly appreciated in more ways than you could ever know!

If you have any questions please feel free to email me.  I could maybe answer them in a blog for you or help you find some answers somewhere else.  We can all learn from each other and help each other in some way or another and if you are looking for someone to reach out to please use the resources in your community, your friends and your family.  Build a support system that will benefit you, not deter you from becoming able to live with your mental illness or whatever the case may be.

I love you all and I hope that this is the start of a new journey in a positive direction for me.  Stay tuned for updates and maybe some back issues that I never got to post! LOL! Namaste!

Progress Report

Not much to report so far.  My intake assessment was almost a waste of time but I did manage to get into a group that meets weekly for 8 weeks.  We are learning about self-management; appropriate and inappropriate methods of self-care/self-management.  I know most of this stuff already.  It's the DOING part that is difficult.  Change takes time, effort and support.  And TONS of patience...it seems to be easier to inappropriately self-manage but easier isn't always better.  Better isn't always easier.

I see a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks so that is good.  Time is slowly creeping by but at the same time flying so fast that I am having a difficult time keeping up.  I have set a few personal goals to accomplish within the next year and in between that I am working on positive everyday living; managing myself and having a life filled with activities and people that I enjoy and love without overwhelming myself.

My dad was in town this weekend for a visit and we had a nice talk.  Ok, I had a meltdown, he let me cry for a bit and then we had a heart-to-heart about life.  So, more than a nice talk. : )  My parents have been supportive even though they are unsure of how or what I need from them.  I have only told them recently about what has been going on and struggled to keep it to myself that long even.  I wanted to wait until I had an official diagnosis but I couldn't.  I felt that I was keeping something secret from them and that is the last thing that I want to do with my family.  They are an important part of my life and offer unconditional love and support.  Even though they don't live here with me I know they think of me often and care about me not only as their daughter but as a person, and adult trying to make it in the world today.  They do what they can to be there for me despite the geographical distance and I appreciate it in ways they will never know.  "Thank you" just doesn't cut it most of the time.  It's so much more and I hope that they know that.  I love you Mom and Dad. : )