Don't Panic

It's day three of a three day weekend which was supposed to be productive and fulfilling even with the cancellation of the original ORIGINAL plan of fleeing the country on an exciting overnight getaway. Getting past the disappointment of the cancellation of the exciting getaway was the first hurdle. I managed that. Then I was sick for an entire day of the past 3 days. This has cut my productive time by one third. Well, okay, actually more than one third because once I have one unproductive day it doesn't stop there.

I'm doing my best to be productive today. I DID do laundry yesterday and go out visiting and stayed in and had company over. Now to fold the laundry and put the laundry away and then go over my laundry list of other things to do.  But I'm stuck. I have a sense of dread within me today. A ball of fear in my gut, a breath full of panic just after this next normal breath. I woke up in full panic attack mode, tears and everything, twice today. I remember my dreams and why I was panicking in them, why I was crying in them but the dreams themselves make no sense to me, no sense to my literal, critical mind.

How do I being to analyze something that maybe isn't to be analyzed?  I want someone to just explain it to me. Why does it have to be like this? Why right now? Why until when? Why me? My fear is keeping me inside today; physically inside the house and emotionally and mentally inside my head and heart. Everything I read or think about or do brings me to tears. Going to the office today (government holiday) to do a mid-term test for a computer course I'm taking through work seems an insurmountable task. Who can I call on to talk me down from my ledge of fear and out the door of my home into the world of opportunities? How can I get things scratched off my list of things to do if I'm living in this fear in this moment? How do I get out of this moment of fear? How do I step out of it and into the good that I know is just one step away?

It was supposed to be such a great and wonderful weekend. Filled with new things, new places, new people and new experiences.  I was ready for it. No fear there. But it didn't happen like it was supposed to. Maybe I'm not over the disappointment, heartache and pain that I thought I was over. I was ready to venture out on my own again, to take a chance and put it all on the line. Then the line was cut. Once it's cut you can never mend it back to its original strength again. There will always be weakness, uncertainty, doubt of the future. I don't want those feelings to exist in me, not about this. I want to be strong, certain and sure of the future. But there is no guarantee, not with this, not with anything. I don't know how to handle it, how to stand up strong, to be the person I need to be until the time is right when I can be the person I want to be.

I just want to close my eyes and not think about it, not worry about it, and sometimes even not be a part of it. I need to decide if I can be strong enough to be a part of it, to ride it out until I don't have to be quite this strong anymore. Or maybe I will have to be even stronger after that time...I'm so uncertain what I need to do that all I want to do is sleep. Sleep until the moment has arrived when I can stop being strong, if even for a moment or a day or two or three.

Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days
Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

Ahhhhh......

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

Giving It Your All

Original posting date: May 20/13

He has realized he has no emotional connections to people. 

He really wants to talk to someone about this disconnection that he has. He feels there is no purpose in his life. That he could die today and it would be ok, that he has accomplished what he set out to do for himself. 

I really wasn't expecting this. I have an almost unlimited amount of patience with him about this kind of stuff. I get it. It's not that he's an asshole, he just has issues. It's not that he has bad personality traits, he just doesn't know how to interact with people and enjoy things on an emotional level. It's not all his fault. It's how he was raised and the choices that were made for him when he wasn't old enough to make them himself. It's due to his life experiences as an adult. He didn't ask to be this way.

Focus

I sat down to do some things and thought it would be a good time to write.  My head is a swirling eddy of thoughts, plans, goals, emotions, feelings and a bunch of other garbage getting in the way. It's almost time for me to go back to work and I'm panicking. I'm running out of time to get things done. I forget how to focus; I can't find it anywhere in my tool box of helpful things. I feel like I want to vomit. My head is spinning. I'm spinning. Out of control.  Someone stop the spinning. Get me off this thing. Let me breathe; let me focus; let me plan. Give me more time.

Why today? Why now?

It's so true when they say you hurt the ones you love the most.  Passive aggressiveness is not a good trait to own.  All those things you don't want to say come out in a horrible way.  I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I didn't mean for it to mean that. I guess it's something that I can't say on an ordinary day. I didn't think it mattered but it does. It matters so much that I hid it deep inside and it escaped while my guard was down.

It doesn't mean I don't care. Quite the opposite. It means I care a lot. Maybe too much. What will happen? Where will we go? Where will we be? What will happen? Happen to me....