Self-Forgiveness

My newest journey is an 11 Day Prosperity Meditation. I am now entering into Day 7 and it has been interesting what has been coming up while I'm meditating, the thoughts that enter into my consciousness. As with anything that is new, the first couple days I found it difficult. It took mental strength to focus on so many things at once during the meditation - posture, breathing, audible chanting, hand motions, and the big one, holding the vision of exactly what I want to attract into my life at this time that would lead to prosperity. The yoga teacher indicated that this is normal, it takes practice, and to keep going. So I did, and with a little adjustment - sitting with my back supported - I was able to focus on everything much better which led me to feeling successful, which in turn led me to continue thus far, into Day 7!

I noticed that I get emotional during the 11 minutes that I am meditating. The first few times this threw me off; I didn't understand why I felt such deep emotion, such sadness and the urge to cry. But I kept on with my practice, daily, letting the feelings sit and then eventually paying more attention to them. Part of me (let's call this part Rho) feels that I don't deserve to have prosperity or abundance in my life. Rho feels that she can do without and when Rae is peacefully meditating and has a clear focus about her vision, Rho feels guilty that Rae wants prosperity in her life. There is an emotional struggle within me between Rae and Rho. Rae says "Yay!" and Rho says "No." I haven't actually cried yet during the Prosperity Meditation, but I'm sensing that things are coming to the surface and I will need to have a talk with Rho so that she understands that we are both safe, that no harm will come to us.

Another thing that has come up is forgiveness. I'm a forgiving person, I don't like holding a grudge. What purpose does it serve? It only eats me up inside. It does nothing to the person that I'm grudging against! They don't feel my emotions towards them, so why carry it myself? This is how I (do my best to) live my life. Yet when it comes to forgiving myself, that's another story. During meditation, my back/shoulders begins to ache a little bit, or I have to scratch my nose, or yawn, or open my eyes to make sure there isn't a cat about to get caught in the hand movements. When these little things happen Rho chastises Rae - it must always be done perfectly, everyone else can do it perfectly, their backs or shoulders done get sore, they don't scratch an itch, they are more focused and better than you, Rae. When these thoughts begin to come up for air it makes me want to quit meditating. And this is a pattern in my life. When that voice, Rho, starts saying no, I desperately want to call her on her bullshit. But maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not outgoing enough. Maybe I won't succeed. Maybe I will fail. But what if she's wrong? I won't know until I offer myself forgiveness and move forward to try again, to aim for better next time. And one day Rho will be wrong. Because I know I'm good enough, smart enough. I am outgoing enough for the things that I need to get done to reach my dreams and live out my intentions. I am succeeding at so many things in life. Hell I'm succeeding at LIFE! I'm not failing, I'm learning. And I'm proud of myself for everything that I have accomplished in the past, everything that I am accomplishing in the present and everything that I aim to accomplish in the future.

I am proud of me. I love me. I forgive me. I support me. I nurture me. I take care of me. I do all of these things for myself so that I can do them for others. So doesn't it make sense that I treat myself the way that I treat other? With compassion, empathy, forgiveness and understanding? Why would I not offer these things to myself, to my spirit, to my essence, to my being, yet offer them to everyone that crosses my path in life?

Do you treat yourself as you treat others? If not what would you like to change? Start being the person that you want to become and you will become the person that you want to be.